Sensitivity in marriage

David and Marva Coombs

Years ago, I had to attend an early morning meeting, and we had only one car, so I promised Marva I would be home in time for her to keep her appointments later that morning. Things didn’t go as planned. First the meeting ran late. Then I remembered I needed to make another stop. So I called Marva to inform her that I wouldn’t be home, so she would have to make other arrangements.  I said to her, “Honey, I’m sorry. You do understand don’t you?”

She could have reluctantly agreed with me, buried her feelings of resentment and pretended that it would be all right. Instead, being honest with her feelings and with me, she kindly said, “David, I really need you to keep your commitment to me! I need the car, and I need your support. I have no time to make other arrangements. So will you please come home as soon as you can?” I did as she requested and felt grateful for a wife who tells me her feelings while still being sensitive to mine.

Thinking of that experience later, I realized what I had done. Having made a commitment to her, I seemed ready to break it casually. Without knowing it, I was telling her that my schedule was more important than hers, and if there was to be a sacrifice, she would be the one to make it. Of course, I didn’t use those words, and I would have been shocked if she had accused me of feeling that way. But when I considered the incident afterwards, I concluded I was really giving her that message and that I was being insensitive to her needs.

I’ve noticed this problem--self-centeredness and insensitivity--over and over in my work as a professional marriage counselor. The problem is a real one, and it isn’t unique to just men--both husbands and wives struggle with it. But it can be overcome by partners using a little kindness and empathy.

At a party Marva and I attended early in our marriage, I told what I thought were cute jokes on her and also a few regarding her mother, of course, at their expense. It seemed innocent enough to do because others were doing it too. But when we were driving home, she told me how embarrassed and hurt she was. She requested that all jokes and personal experiences shared publicly be positive and complimentary. When I considered my behavior, I agreed that I had no cause to belittle her or her mother--that derogatory jokes about women are unnecessary. Her request was reasonable. Again, I was glad she pointed out my insensitivity so sensitively. 

In our previous house, we had a desk in our bedroom which Marva used. I often found myself reminding her to keep it cleared off and orderly. On one occasion when I was tired and angry about something else, I used her cluttered desk as an excuse to vent my angry feelings--demanding that she immediately clean it off. I let her know that since she’s home all day, she could have taken a few minutes to put her desk in order.

She responded by gently leading me over to the closet to show me all the shirts she had washed and ironed that day, then to my dresser to show me all the clean clothes she had washed, folded and neatly put away. She calmly reminded me of the sick children she had cared for and taken to the doctor, and of the good dinner she had ready for me when I came home. Then she said, “Honey, what I need from you is not criticism for what I haven’t done but expressions of appreciation for what I have done.” I apologized; she accepted. I expressed my appreciation for her good work, and the next day I took the kids to the park and gave her time to clean her desk.

Now, I haven’t given any examples of Marva’s flaws and foibles. Being true to my commitment, and being the smart husband that I am, I am not going to say anything about her that is not complimentary. She is a wonderful wife who has taught me what it takes to be a good husband and who loves me regardless of my flaws and foibles. May all of us take time to consider how our actions impact others and to be more sensitive to their needs and feelings.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com, or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.