Senior Couples Divorce Rates Increase

David and Marva Coombs

It is estimated that 800,000 senior citizens will divorce this year. Why are so many older couples divorcing after thirty or more years of marriage? Unfortunately, these divorces are a result of lack of fulfillment which become obvious when the children are gone.  Some couples plan years ahead that once the children are out of the house, they will no longer put-up with each other; consequently, they stop investing energy into their marriages.

These parents think that if they postpone their divorce until the children are gone, it won’t be so upsetting to the children. They think when children are adults, they will be mature enough to understand and cope with their parents’ break-ups. 

The truth is divorce is devastating to children regardless of their ages. For example, Becky was away at college when she received the news that her parents were divorcing. The news was shocking. It was unbelievable!  As the truth eventually sank in, it turned her world upside down. She was so devastated that she was barely able to finish her semester. With Mom and Dad divorcing, the family dynamics changed completely. Becky wondered about family gatherings for birthdays, anniversaries and reunions? Which parent would she stay with? She wondered if her parents divorce will effect her ability to have a stable marriage. Will she do the same thing when she marries? Unfortunately, studies show it is likely she will follow her parents example.

Divorce is nearly always a shock. The covenant of marriage is supposed to last forever giving children the secure feeling that parents will always be together and will unitedly be there for them 

Children believe their parents will be the rock that is firm and steadfast and be the foundation upon which they can always depend. Take away the foundation and everything falls apart.

No one likes to hear senior couples arguing, bickering and finding fault. Some couples don’t fight openly but are emotionally distant, have given up sexual intimacy, yet maintain the appearance that all is well. For the sake of the children, they put up a false front by being cordial and polite to each other in public but privately they live without romance. They feel obligated not to announce the divorce till they have patiently loved the children and sent them off on their own.

One couple, recognizing their marriage was heading for disaster, said, “We have to call the war off. We are better than this. We need to forgive one another and put aside our hurt feelings and our pride. What we are doing to each other is selfish, immature, and simply not right. We both have to stop being unkind and distant emotionally and sexually.”

This couple came to counseling knowing that divorce was not the answer, and they were motivated to change. They learned that love is a daily decision. They realized they had a choice of what they said and how they behaved. They knew right from wrong. They were willing to change by looking inwardly instead of blaming their spouse.

While they came from divorced parents, they knew they didn’t have to repeat that pattern. They knew how to live better. They began to educate their feelings of love for each other again. 

When they first met, the chemistry had been powerful and falling in love just happened. When they first began to reconstruct their earlier feelings, it was hard. But they got their love back by doing kind and loving behaviors. Even though they felt at first they were just going through the motions, as they continued to court each other, they began to feel positive and loving emotions for each other again.

Spouses doing little things that express the all important message that they care means the whole world to those they love. Every kind word, every thoughtful deed, every tender touch generates loving feelings. Keeping the courtship alive prevents marriages from deteriorating.

Even when couples feel there is no hope for their marriages, they can learn that there is always hope. The prices are too high and the cost is too great for couples to even consider divorce. They owe it to themselves, their children, grandchildren and to generations yet unborn to be better examples, they can put aside their pride and work with faith and energy to have sweet, loving and beautiful marriages. 

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.