Sensitivity in marriage

David and Marva Coombs

Years ago, I had to attend an early morning meeting, and we had only one car, so I promised Marva I would be home in time for her to keep her appointments later that morning. Things didn’t go as planned. First the meeting ran late. Then I remembered I needed to make another stop. So I called Marva to inform her that I wouldn’t be home, so she would have to make other arrangements.  I said to her, “Honey, I’m sorry. You do understand don’t you?”

She could have reluctantly agreed with me, buried her feelings of resentment and pretended that it would be all right. Instead, being honest with her feelings and with me, she kindly said, “David, I really need you to keep your commitment to me! I need the car, and I need your support. I have no time to make other arrangements. So will you please come home as soon as you can?” I did as she requested and felt grateful for a wife who tells me her feelings while still being sensitive to mine.

Thinking of that experience later, I realized what I had done. Having made a commitment to her, I seemed ready to break it casually. Without knowing it, I was telling her that my schedule was more important than hers, and if there was to be a sacrifice, she would be the one to make it. Of course, I didn’t use those words, and I would have been shocked if she had accused me of feeling that way. But when I considered the incident afterwards, I concluded I was really giving her that message and that I was being insensitive to her needs.

I’ve noticed this problem--self-centeredness and insensitivity--over and over in my work as a professional marriage counselor. The problem is a real one, and it isn’t unique to just men--both husbands and wives struggle with it. But it can be overcome by partners using a little kindness and empathy.

At a party Marva and I attended early in our marriage, I told what I thought were cute jokes on her and also a few regarding her mother, of course, at their expense. It seemed innocent enough to do because others were doing it too. But when we were driving home, she told me how embarrassed and hurt she was. She requested that all jokes and personal experiences shared publicly be positive and complimentary. When I considered my behavior, I agreed that I had no cause to belittle her or her mother--that derogatory jokes about women are unnecessary. Her request was reasonable. Again, I was glad she pointed out my insensitivity so sensitively. 

In our previous house, we had a desk in our bedroom which Marva used. I often found myself reminding her to keep it cleared off and orderly. On one occasion when I was tired and angry about something else, I used her cluttered desk as an excuse to vent my angry feelings--demanding that she immediately clean it off. I let her know that since she’s home all day, she could have taken a few minutes to put her desk in order.

She responded by gently leading me over to the closet to show me all the shirts she had washed and ironed that day, then to my dresser to show me all the clean clothes she had washed, folded and neatly put away. She calmly reminded me of the sick children she had cared for and taken to the doctor, and of the good dinner she had ready for me when I came home. Then she said, “Honey, what I need from you is not criticism for what I haven’t done but expressions of appreciation for what I have done.” I apologized; she accepted. I expressed my appreciation for her good work, and the next day I took the kids to the park and gave her time to clean her desk.

Now, I haven’t given any examples of Marva’s flaws and foibles. Being true to my commitment, and being the smart husband that I am, I am not going to say anything about her that is not complimentary. She is a wonderful wife who has taught me what it takes to be a good husband and who loves me regardless of my flaws and foibles. May all of us take time to consider how our actions impact others and to be more sensitive to their needs and feelings.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com, or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.

What is the difference between guilt and shame?

David and Marva Coombs

Guilt is the feeling people have when they have done something wrong and feel bad about it. Shame goes much deeper: people feel they are bad. They feel rotten to the core and think they have little or no redeeming value. Guilt is relieved by repenting, forsaking past sins, asking for forgiveness, seeking actively to live a better life. Shame is that overwhelming dark feeling that afflicts certain people and they refuse to let it go. They believe they will never be worthy to receive forgiveness from God, from others and certainly not from themselves.

Guilt plays a healthy role in helping people repent. Such feelings keep them on track, let them know when they have crossed lines and motivates them to make course corrections. But shame is another matter. It presents a difficult challenge of preventing those who love them from convincing those steeped in shame to let it go.

I was counseling with a young single pregnant woman who had purposely aborted her baby, even after her family and friends tried so hard to convince her not to do it. But she could see no way out of her predicament except to abort. Immediately after the operation, she felt she had committed an unforgivable sin and fell into a deep state of depression. She made several attempts at suicide and was admitted to a treatment center. 

She allowed me to meet with her in private sessions but refused to attend group therapy. She remained distant and uncooperative but, paradoxically, wanted to continue our sessions. Apparently, she sensed me as someone who hadn’t judged her and maybe I was her link to the outside world. Six months had passed when I began to wonder if she was ever going to come out of her dark, self-imposed prison. 

Her shame was impervious to medication, counseling and encouragement offered by family and friends. She came from a deeply religious home. Regardless of efforts to explain the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ and how she could be forgiven, nothing worked. She had built an impregnable wall around herself, preventing anything or anyone to get in. In her shame, she was convinced she was worthless and unredeemable.

But then a ray of hope began to shine upon our sessions. She gave herself permission to smile and began to take better care of herself. She bathed more often and cut her long hair which she had used to cover much of her face. She enjoyed her food. She opened up in her sessions and began attending group therapy. It was like watching a person being reborn. It wasn’t long till she was able and willing to leave the facility and live a normal life.

I asked her what the turning point was in her therapy that began her healing. She told me she felt she had simply suffered long enough for her sin. She was ready to let go of the need of further punishment. It was as if she believed she had to atone for her own sin before she could accept love from others and particularly love from her Heavenly Father. 

This is an example of those who suffer from shame. They have to hit bottom before they can begin to move up. They have so developed the inner language of self-destruction that learning the language of self-support is slow to come. Because of their negative self-talk, they have trouble accepting the truth about their self-worth. 

As they come to believe that all sins are forgivable, as they realize that God still loves them and always has, as they realize there is no exception to the word “all” and no matter what they have done, they finally believe in the atonement of Jesus Christ and that it applies to them. 

Through the process of repentance, the Lord’s love heals all of us from all of our past sins. Our God is big enough to deal with all of our guilt and with all of our shame.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-705-3579 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com. 

The best and the worst parents may still have surprises

David and Marva Coombs

Parenting is not easy! In fact, it is the most challenging--can be the most heartbreaking--and yet one of the most rewarding experiences of life. Few things are as important than good parenting skills. 

People tend to follow the example of their parents. If their parents were not good role models, then they may have unresolved anger towards them. This needs to be faced and resolved by forgiving their parents, who likely did the best they knew how. They themselves were raised by imperfect parents. How well we parent can be affected by how well we have forgiven our parents for their mistakes; we hope our children will do the same for us.

The best gift a father could ever give his children is to love their mother and vice versa. This relationship sets the tone for a stable family. When children see their dad and mom being tender, kind and affectionate with each other, they feel safe. When they see their parents resolve their differences without being ugly; they feel at peace. Peaceful children are easier to raise.

We are blessed by the attitude that children are on loan to us from Heavenly Father, and we want to do all we can to prepare them to return home to Him. We are humbled by the thought that God will ask us to give an accounting of our parenting when we stand before Him to be judged. Parenting is a sacred privilege and honor. This attitude colors how we talk to our children, how we nurture them and how we relate to them.

We show our love by spending time working and playing together.  A truck driver said he knew he had been spending too much time on the road away from home when his little girl said, “Daddy, will you come visit me again soon?” Children need to feel our hugs and hear love in our voices as we teach them and especially when we discipline them. We all want to be the best examples of Christ-like behavior as we can be. Our greatest joy comes from feeling successful in our roles as parents. Most parents pray earnestly that their children will be happy and successful. 

Occasionally, in spite of our best efforts, some of the worst kids come from the best homes. Conversely and surprisingly, some of the best kids come from some of the worst homes.

We have to remember that we as parents are not the only force that influences the lives of our children. We may be good parents and provide the best environment emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and physically. But there are many factors over which we have no control. Each child comes with a unique personality already hard-wired into their psyche. Kids may develop into adults who are stubborn, independent and unresponsive to good counsel. Their sexual orientation may be a surprise. 

They may be mentally brilliant or have learning disabilities. They may have a pre-disposition to addictions to alcohol or other drugs. They may be affected by their cultural surroundings and be readily influenced by bad friends. They may be born with diseases that permanently alter their lives. 

Most parents do all they can to be the best they possibly can be, but they may have to resign themselves to the fact that even their best efforts may not produce their expectations. Moms and dads need not judge the eternal destiny of their children because they cannot know what changes their children will make somewhere between now and God’s final judgement. That’s why parents can never lose hope or never give up on their wayward children.

Some children are absolutely amazing and wonderful, but parents cannot necessarily take credit for their successes and achievements. Their children may have come that way from Heavenly Father bringing with them their own gifts and abilities.

Additionally, children have their agency with the power to choose for themselves what they will do with their lives. Their choices may or may not reflect their home life. As stated in the beginning: parenting is the most challenging--can be the most heartbreaking--and yet can be he most rewarding experience of their lives. Parents can only do their best and leave the rest to God.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-705-3579 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.

 

Considering a divorce? Stop! Wait!

David and Marva Coombs

Obviously, those considering divorce are hurting. No shield protects them from the pain of being rejected by someone whom they trusted would love them forever. In their hurt, they strike out and say and do things they may later regret. In their pain, they think they would be happier if they were single again. However, research shows that most people who divorce will remain unhappy, depressed and lonely long after the divorce. Wars with ex-spouses continue: financial problems increase and conflicts intensify.

A number of years ago, we talked with folks who were dear to us. They had both divorced their first companions and had been married to one another about six years. They had a good marriage, but both expressed their regrets for the costs of their divorces, particularly the emotional cost to their children.  Both also said they had divorced too fast with little thought of the consequences. Then they said, “We needn’t have divorced.”  

Many people have mixed feelings about their divorces and express regrets. They wish they had been more patient, more forgiving and more willing to work things out.Three out of four divorced couples eventually remarry. However, second marriages have even higher divorce rates than first ones.

It’s hard to work through difficult marriages, but it is also hard to work through divorces. Many couples that seriously considered divorce are now happy after taking classes on strengthening marriage to learn what it takes to have successful marriages. 

Research has shown that those couples in unhappy marriages who recommitted to their partners reported they were happy within five years. Some--often those with the worst problems--reported being very happy. They were glad they didn’t divorce. They had conquered even serious problems such as infidelity, addictions, and emotional neglect. (The Case for Marriage, 148.)

One myth about divorce is that children will be better off without having parents in constant conflict. Research does not bear this out. Most of the time, children are shocked and devastated when  parents announce their desire to divorce. These children would be better off if their parents sought counseling, resolved their differences and stayed married. Of course, in a few situations including sustained physical and emotional abuse, divorces may be necessary.

Unfortunately, few married couples take classes to improve their marriages. Few read books to enhance their relationships. Few seek the help of trained marriage counselors even when they are available at little or no expense. Even if couples spent several hundred dollars on counseling, it is still very cost effective compared to the expense of divorce. 

Utah State University extension services has an office in St. George and offer free classes on “How Not to Marry a Jerk or Jerkette” and also offer marriage improvement courses. Free dinners and baby sitting are provided. (Call 435-634-2692 for more information.) 

Also. local churches offer free classes on Strengthening Marriage and Family. These classes are not just for those having problems, but also for those who simply want to have the best marriages possible.

Those who are considering divorce should stop, wait and reconsider before they proceed into what may be a very big mistake that will have serious emotional, spiritual and financial consequences for themselves and for their children. The fact is that most divorces are not necessary.

(Many concepts for this article was gleaned from a publication produced by the State of Utah entitled “Should I keep Trying to Work it out?” For additional help go to www.utahmarriage.org.)

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com. 

Senior Couples Divorce Rates Increase

David and Marva Coombs

It is estimated that 800,000 senior citizens will divorce this year. Why are so many older couples divorcing after thirty or more years of marriage? Unfortunately, these divorces are a result of lack of fulfillment which become obvious when the children are gone.  Some couples plan years ahead that once the children are out of the house, they will no longer put-up with each other; consequently, they stop investing energy into their marriages.

These parents think that if they postpone their divorce until the children are gone, it won’t be so upsetting to the children. They think when children are adults, they will be mature enough to understand and cope with their parents’ break-ups. 

The truth is divorce is devastating to children regardless of their ages. For example, Becky was away at college when she received the news that her parents were divorcing. The news was shocking. It was unbelievable!  As the truth eventually sank in, it turned her world upside down. She was so devastated that she was barely able to finish her semester. With Mom and Dad divorcing, the family dynamics changed completely. Becky wondered about family gatherings for birthdays, anniversaries and reunions? Which parent would she stay with? She wondered if her parents divorce will effect her ability to have a stable marriage. Will she do the same thing when she marries? Unfortunately, studies show it is likely she will follow her parents example.

Divorce is nearly always a shock. The covenant of marriage is supposed to last forever giving children the secure feeling that parents will always be together and will unitedly be there for them 

Children believe their parents will be the rock that is firm and steadfast and be the foundation upon which they can always depend. Take away the foundation and everything falls apart.

No one likes to hear senior couples arguing, bickering and finding fault. Some couples don’t fight openly but are emotionally distant, have given up sexual intimacy, yet maintain the appearance that all is well. For the sake of the children, they put up a false front by being cordial and polite to each other in public but privately they live without romance. They feel obligated not to announce the divorce till they have patiently loved the children and sent them off on their own.

One couple, recognizing their marriage was heading for disaster, said, “We have to call the war off. We are better than this. We need to forgive one another and put aside our hurt feelings and our pride. What we are doing to each other is selfish, immature, and simply not right. We both have to stop being unkind and distant emotionally and sexually.”

This couple came to counseling knowing that divorce was not the answer, and they were motivated to change. They learned that love is a daily decision. They realized they had a choice of what they said and how they behaved. They knew right from wrong. They were willing to change by looking inwardly instead of blaming their spouse.

While they came from divorced parents, they knew they didn’t have to repeat that pattern. They knew how to live better. They began to educate their feelings of love for each other again. 

When they first met, the chemistry had been powerful and falling in love just happened. When they first began to reconstruct their earlier feelings, it was hard. But they got their love back by doing kind and loving behaviors. Even though they felt at first they were just going through the motions, as they continued to court each other, they began to feel positive and loving emotions for each other again.

Spouses doing little things that express the all important message that they care means the whole world to those they love. Every kind word, every thoughtful deed, every tender touch generates loving feelings. Keeping the courtship alive prevents marriages from deteriorating.

Even when couples feel there is no hope for their marriages, they can learn that there is always hope. The prices are too high and the cost is too great for couples to even consider divorce. They owe it to themselves, their children, grandchildren and to generations yet unborn to be better examples, they can put aside their pride and work with faith and energy to have sweet, loving and beautiful marriages. 

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.

 

Creating a life full of contentment

David and Marva Coombs

Many find it difficult to be content in a culture where most people are convinced that more is better. As people compare themselves to others, they invariably feel the pain of discontent. How many people can say they are content with their lives? Too many define happiness as somewhere in the future. The common mantra is “I will be so happy when--” 

People could cry out to God to make them especially beautiful without knowing the challenges and problems that plague those who are. People could demand a strong, healthy and athletic body, free from disease, aches and pains but then lose the lessons to be learned from dealing with imperfection. People could ask why they were not gifted mentally or musically or however else they desire as they compare themselves to others.  But comparisons are usually faulty because most people don’t recognize their own talents and gifts. They could also ask why they were not born into wealth as others have been. Why couldn’t they at least enjoy a nicer income than that which they have now? 

Charles H. Spurgeon said: “You say, ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.’ You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled. It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness” (Internet site: Christian Quotes on Gratitude, p1).

What would happen if people were content in their current circumstances; for example, if the past election did not turn out the way they wanted, could they be content with life just as things are without requiring anything to be different? Could we be like Paul who said, “I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content (Philippians 4:11). True contentment comes from accepting the good in our lives and saying it is sufficient. It is having the confidence that God is in charge and knows full well what our needs are and that He will provide in due time. 

Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13). Having the faith that God is in the details of our lives gives us the confidence to know that, as we seek His help, challenges will eventually work out for our good. 

It is important for people to dream, to be well-educated and to grow in knowledge and Godly attributes. Satisfaction comes as they set worthy goals, work hard and achieve them; however, it is also important that they plan in pencil. Life is full of surprises; people enjoy their lives best when they surrender their wills to God’s will. Those with faith understand that God knows and loves them intimately; the struggles they face teach them the very things necessary to make their lives on earth complete. 

People could chaff and get angry at God when His tutorials are not to their liking. In place of wrestling with God, they will find peace as they let go of their angst and nestle into the arms of His love. People would experience less anxiety and depression if they let go of their doubts and fears and allowed a wave of God’s love and peace to wash over them, leaving them contented. 

The big question we all need to ask is what does God want us to learn from our unique circumstances? Could it be that the one great lesson He wants us all to learn is to accept gratefully what we have been given? Could we find happiness in the here and now? No doubt He wants us to take off the blinders hiding the blessings we currently enjoy? 

God wants us to experience the peace that comes from flooding our minds with thoughts like: “Life is good. Life is beautiful just as it is, even with all of its problems and challenges. I am happy being who I am, doing what I am doing; I don’t need anything to be different for me to be happy. I’ll pursue my goals, but I don’t have to achieve them to be happy. I can take joy in the adventure. God is good; with Him I can do all things. I have sufficient. I am content.” 

Learning to be content may not be an event so much as it is a process. For now, may we all  engage in this vital quest of “letting go and letting God” which helps us create lives of contentment. 

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.