Why do women stay with abusive husbands?

                                                             David and Marva Coombs

     Several societal myths are perpetuated regarding women who are abused by their husbands such as:  1. These women are not very bright.  2. These women must enjoy beatings in some masochistic way. 3. These wives deserve the beatings because they purposely provoke their husbands to anger. 

     Of course, these women are bright and capable.  Some truly love their husbands and pray for the day when their men will mellow out and eliminate their anger.  They say that, if it weren’t for the times when their men explode, they are really nice guys.  And they are. Unfortunately, while a few men actually overcome battering their wives and do become excellent husbands, most often, the abuse gets worse.

     Abusive husbands follow a predictable cycle:  tension, explosive behavior, sorrow which includes apologies and making up by being very nice, followed by tension, etc.  Some women feel if they can just endure the anger part, then they really enjoy the honeymoon phase when hubby is so nice.

     Some husbands are not only abusive physically but also verbally.  They discount and demean their wives and convince the women that they are at fault for making their men upset.  This is the great lie.  No one makes others angry.  Anger is a choice.  These men can change and can learn to take responsibility for their actions; they can learn not to blame others for their abusive behavior.  Many abused women are told daily that they are ugly, that if they left the marriage, no other man would want them.  With their self-esteem shattered, these women fear they would be worse off if they left.

Some abusive men live in fear their wives will leave them, so they make all kinds of threats:  they will take the children from their wives; the husbands threaten to beat their companions even worse for embarrassing them; they will hunt them down and kill them.  They threaten to burn their houses down.  Faced with these options, most women courageously choose to stay to protect their children.

     One researcher said battered wives will average five attempts to leave their husbands before successfully doing so.  Some women are talked out of leaving by their church leaders who feel it is their job to keep the family together at all costs. However, the clergy does have a legal problem:  if it can be proven that they encouraged a woman to leave the marriage, the husband can bring legal charges against that church.

     One of the biggest barriers preventing wives from leaving their husbands is lack of money.  St. George provides a solution to this problem at the Dove Center which shelters battered women and their children.  The Dove Center offers shelter up to 90 days.  They help victims of abuse to access government programs available to them.  They also offer legal advice and assist them in getting court-ordered protection.  Counseling services are provided without cost.  Medical and dental services are available free from the Doctor’s Volunteer Clinic.

     A private organization called the The Erin Kimball Memorial Foundation provides apartments up to two years after they leave the Dove Center and financial assistance to help battered women to become self-sufficient.  Churches also offer free counseling, food, and clothing.

While in the past, battered women had very little support, that is no longer true.  If women need help, their first call should be to the Dove Center crises line at 628-0458.

Dr. Coombs is a professional counselor with a private practice in Washington City.  He and his wife, Marva write articles together and offer free presentations on strengthening marriage and family.  Call 435-705-3579 or email them at DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or www.DrDavidCoombs.Com.