Adulation Is Poison

David and Marva Coombs

     Children want to be told they are loved, are valued, and are special.  When they work hard to achieve, to do their best, and to accomplish much good, their efforts need to be acknowledged.  However, adulation occurs when parents and others heap excessive praise and flattery on their children.  We see dramatic examples of adulation when fans literally worship athletes, movie stars, and rock stars.  

     One public example of adulation gone amiss was in 1986 when the Beatles bragged they had become “more popular than Jesus” (Wikipedia,”More popular than Jesus,” main page).  It backfired.  People were outraged. The Beatles popularity plummeted and tours had to be cancelled.  This gives credence to the famous adage, “Pride goeth before the fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

     Adulation is heady; recipients of all ages find it difficult to stay grounded and humble.  Most find it hard to maintain emotional balance when they are given exaggerated positive attention.  Those who are rich, famous, and/or beautiful struggle with pride and few escape untouched.  Too much praise and too many compliments actually harm all people on every level.  

     While excessive praise can damage children, some parents, unfortunately, go to the opposite extreme; they feel it is their responsibility to remind their children that, while they may have succeeded in something, they are still inferior, inadequate, or unattractive.  Parents do so thinking they are protecting their children from becoming conceited, from getting a big head.  

     In reality, the children may get the message that they can never measure up, can never do anything right.  Parents must find the balance between “You’re the best.” and “Don’t get a big head.”  Whatever is said, praise must be real and genuine.

     Consider these appropriate examples of praise: 1. “Congratulations on being crowned homecoming queen.  What makes you so lovely to us is not only your God-given gift of physical beauty but also your ability to be kind and thoughtful of others.”  2.  “We are proud of your working so hard on your school work.  We love seeing you discipline yourself in your studies and also appreciate your willingness to help others in your classes who are struggling.”   3. “Receiving the award for most valuable player is a real honor.  We are proud of you.  You worked hard for this and you deserve it.  What we also like is that you are a team player and inspire others to play their best.”  

These comments acknowledge children’s accomplishments and recognize their good behaviors without using comparatives like, “You’re the best.”  For most  good behavior, smiles or a simple “nice work” are all that’s needed.

     Some families display trophies, ribbons, diplomas, and certificates of achievements of their children’s accomplishments.  None of these things are necessarily examples of adulation gone awry.  Balance is evident when children are taught gratitude and give credit to supportive parents, friends, teachers, coaches, team mates--when they express gratitude for divine assistance that came in answer to urgent prayers.  

     The story is told that in ancient Rome, when the conquering hero rode through the streets basking in the wild cheers of the people, a companion rode along side him in the chariot and continuously whispered in his ear, “You are not a God, but only His servant.”

     When people think they are better than others, they make themselves exceptions to rules and cross boundaries of integrity and appropriate behavior.  No one is immune.  When praise is received, the safest response is to quietly and politely say thank you and then don’t believe it, knowing that adulation is poison.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual counselor with a private practice in Washington City.  He and his wife Marva write articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family life.  Contact them at 435-705-3579 or DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or www.DrDavidCoombs.com.