Many Divorces Are Unnecessary

by David and Marva Coombs

     A woman in an imperfect 20-year-old marriage counseled with me as her therapist as she struggled with the decision to divorce.  She was sad and lonely.  She had made valiant efforts to re-vitalize her marriage, but nothing worked.  She felt rebuffed, rejected, and angry for her husband’s lack of response.

     Yet, her husband was not terribly mean or cruel.  He took passive delight in their four children, but he left the parenting up to her.  He had a very successful career which was his life. He was a good provider, and they lived comfortably. 

     She wanted an emotional and spiritual connection.  She wanted romance and excitement, but he wasn’t interested.  

     The wife wanted them both to be actively involved in church activities, to attend plays and musicals, and to get together with old friends.  Again, he wasn’t interested, but he encouraged her to do all these things if they were important to her. 

I acknowledged her marriage lacked sparkle but was not convinced that divorce would be in her best interest.  I asked, “How many wives are given financial freedom and time to do whatever they like?”  I reasoned with her as follows:   

1. She was free to raise her children with all the time and love she wished to give them.
2. She was free to bond with other women and enjoy cultural and social events.  She could pursue educational dreams or a career.  She could be as active as she wanted in her church and in community service. 
3. She could release herself from trying to change a husband who didn’t want to change.  This would lift a big burden from her and would allow her to be more content and grateful for her life and to make the best of what she had.

On the other hand, if she divorced, she could expect:

1. A nasty court battle.  Divorces are painful, emotionally devastating, and expensive. 
2. He would likely become angry and think she was ungrateful for all he had provided for her; he might hide money and assets to prevent her from getting her fair share.
3. She would probably have to work to support herself and her children.
4. She would have little time to enjoy educational, cultural, or social pursuits.
5. She would not be free to be as active as she would like in church and community service. 
6. The divorce would devastate the children and would have a negative impact upon them.  While he was a passive dad, he was still their Dad and they loved him. 
7. There is no guarantee she would marry again, and no promise a second marriage would turn out to be what she wanted.

     As she continued in counseling, she learned she had to be responsible for her own happiness.  Instead of looking at the things missing in her marriage, she became grateful for the freedom her husband afforded her.   He was not that abusive or controlling.  Her circumstances could have been much worse.  While hers wasn’t a super marriage, it wasn’t that awful either.   Many unhappy wives would be willing to trade places with her. 

     She originally sought counseling for approval to divorce, but in the process of her therapy, she came to the conclusion that her divorce was unnecessary.  In fact, professional literature confirms that most divorces are unnecessary and that the pain of divorce is greater than the pain of the marriage.  In fact, studies reveal that couples contemplating divorce who re-commit to their marriages often become very happy.

Dr Coombs is in private practice as marriage, family and individual therapist in Washington City. He and his wife Marva wife articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or go to www.DrDavidCoombs.com.