What is the difference between guilt and shame?

David and Marva Coombs

Guilt is the feeling people have when they have done something wrong and feel bad about it. Shame goes deeper: people feel they are bad. They feel rotten to the core and think they have little or no redeeming value. Guilt is relieved by repenting, forsaking past sins, asking for forgiveness and seeking actively to live a better life. Shame is an overwhelming, dark feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness that afflicts some people, and they refuse to let it go. They believe they will never be worthy to receive forgiveness from God, from others and certainly not from themselves.

Guilt plays a healthy role in helping people repent and change. Such feelings keep them on righteous tracks, let them know when they have crossed lines and motivate them to make course corrections. But shame is another matter. It creates a barrier that family and friends can’t cross. Shame’s victims seem impervious to comfort or advice.

I counseled with a young, single woman who had aborted her baby although her family and friends tried to convince her not to do so. But she could not see a way out of her predicament except to abort her baby. Immediately after the operation, she felt she had committed an unforgivable sin and fell into a deep depression. She made several attempts at suicide and was admitted to a treatment center. 

She allowed me to meet with her in private sessions but refused to attend group therapy. She remained distant and uncooperative but, paradoxically, wanted to continue our sessions. Apparently, she sensed me as someone who hadn’t judged her; perhaps I was her link to the outside world. Six months passed and I began to wonder if she would ever come out of her dark, self-imposed prison. 

Her shame could not be alleviated by medication, counseling or encouragement from family and friends. She came from a deeply religious home. Regardless of efforts to explain the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ and how she could be forgiven, nothing worked. She had built an impregnable wall around herself, preventing anything or anyone from getting in. In her shame, she was convinced she was worthless and unredeemable.

But then a ray of hope began to shine upon our sessions. She gave herself permission to smile and began to take care of herself. She bathed more often and cut her long hair which she had used to cover much of her face. She enjoyed her food. She opened up in her sessions and began attending group therapy. It was like watching a person being reborn. It wasn’t long till she was able and willing to leave the facility and live a normal life.

I asked her what the turning point was in her therapy that began her healing. She told me she felt she had simply suffered long enough to pay for her sin. She was ready to let go of the need of further punishment. It was as if she believed she had to atone for her own sin before she could accept love from others and particularly love from her Heavenly Father. 

Those who suffer from shame often have to hit bottom before they can begin to move up. They have so developed the inner language of self-destruction that learning the language of self-support comes slowly. Because of their negative self-talk, they have trouble accepting the truth about their self-worth. 

As they come to believe that all their sins are forgivable, they realize that God still loves them and always has. They realize there is no exception to the word “all” and no matter what they have done, they finally believe in the atonement of Jesus Christ and that it applies to them. 

Through the process of repentance, the Lord’s love heals all of us from our past sins. Our God is big enough to deal with all our guilt and with all our shame.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-705-3579 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.