Forgiveness in Marriage

David and Marva Coombs

“A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers,” said Dr. Frank Finchman, co-author of a report entitled, “Forgiveness and Relationship Satisfaction” (2011 Journal of Family Psychology, 25, 551-559). “Forgiveness is a process, not an event.” He also said that failing to forgive carries a heavy burden that can actually shorten our lives. “So if you want to live a long and fulfilling life, you will want to find forgiveness as a way of life.”

All people have been victimized and have been offended. It is also true that all have been guilty of afflicting harm.  All have felt the pain of being betrayed, and all have betrayed others to varying degrees. We must not only give forgiveness but also must ask for forgiveness; to be forgiven we need to repent.

Possibly that is why the Lord, when giving us the example of how to pray, included the phrase, “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). As emphasis to this point, He adds: “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). We are forgiven to the level we are willing to forgive. We can’t say, “Lord curse those who offended me. But Lord, be gracious and forgiving of my offenses.” 

Possibly, we may not understand the principle of forgiveness. We may think that if we forgive, we must forget the incident and the pain. In serious circumstances, this may not be possible. God promises to forget those sins we have confessed and forsaken. He has said He will “blot out, as a thick cloud, our transgressions” (Isaiah 44:22). However, it may take a long time, coupled with many positive experiences in order to forget. Certainly, with small trespasses, we can quickly forgive and even forget.

Some think that to forgive means we condone the wrong, that we pretend the wrong is not that bad. People fear it is our responsibility to reconcile, to immediately trust and to allow closeness. Not true. 

Dr. Finchman explains that forgiveness “is more like giving up the perceived right to get even. It’s like giving up the attitude, ‘You owe me.’ Forgiveness is a response to being wronged that entails a change in which justified anger and resentment are freely given up.” When forgiving we no longer want harm to come to the offender. We’ve given up any need to punish.

For marriages to endure, transgressors must sincerely apologize and ask for forgiveness. This validates their partners’ pain. When forgiveness is granted, the transgressors receive an undeserved gift from their spouses. This is similar to our approaching the throne of God, unworthy and undeserving, and asking for God’s gift of forgiveness. As we forgive we are developing a God-like quality.

When the gift is granted, all is not immediately well. In serious offenses the transgressors promote healing by their actions showing that they have fully and honestly confessed, sincerely repented and have made the necessary changes.  

It is most unfair, for example, for a husband to say, “Ok, I know I have been addicted to drugs since I was a teenager, but I have mostly stopped. With the exception of a few recent incidents, I have been good. Now it is up to you, my dear wife, to forgive me and get over it. God has forgiven me so why haven’t you? You are the one who is creating the rift in our marriage.” He hasn’t yet won her trust by completely quitting or by getting help to quit. He has minimized his behavior and counter attacked. She may have empathy for him, not wish him any harm, but also not want to be with him. 

If we have seriously offended our loved ones, we need to be patient with them and not think that we can correct long-standing issues with a quick fix. Large doses of humility help others forgive us. Human emotions cannot be switched on and off. Pain may linger longer than any would like which requires the repentant to be patient and humble as part of the penance. There cannot be quick flights into health with expectations that all is well immediately.

No marriage can last long or be happy unless spouses become good at apologizing and at forgiving each other and “find forgiveness as a way of life.”

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to drmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.