An LDS Perspective on Human Intimacy
         Dr. David H. Coombs, Marriage and Family Counselor, and Marva J. Coombs

    The misuse of sexual passion causes significant heartaches. When we cross sensitive lines, we do so at a high price.  Yet, when kept and expressed within the bounds the Lord has set, our sexuality "is a sacred and significant power...this power is good...it is the very key to our happiness"  (Boyd K. Packer, Conference Report, April 1972,136).
     As Latter-day Saints, we view sexuality as an eternal gift not limited to mortality.  Brigham Young taught there is one eternal law of procreation and that God "created man, as we create our children" (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11 p. 122).  President Joseph F. Smith taught the same when he said, "Christ the Savior was born of woman and God, the Father, was born of woman. Adam, our earthly parent, was also born of woman into this world, the same as Jesus and you and I" (Deseret Evening News, Dec. 27, 1913, Sec. Ill, 7).  We are, in the most literal sense, children of God; we are of the same race as the Gods.
    These sacred powers continue in the resurrection for those who marry worthily in the temple and thus qualify for the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom (Doctrine and Covenants 132:19). In effect, our Heavenly Parents have said to us in mortality: We will grant unto you the sacred power to have offspring that you may become partners with us to be co-creators of life.  If you mis-use these sacred powers and fail to repent of their mis-use, then you will be resurrected to a lesser degree of glory and you will not have these powers restored to you; they shall be taken away.  But, if you abide in our work, marry according to the priesthood and exercise these powers of procreation in righteousness, then in the resurrection you shall have them restored to you. You shall then possess the key to having eternal offspring and become as we are.
    We can see why Satan wants to do all he can to degrade this sacred power. Most everything vulgar refers to sexuality.  Satan does not have a body, therefore, does not enjoy the gift of sexuality.  He does all he can to get us to mis-use our sexual powers.  He then succeeds in keeping us from obtaining our goal of becoming heavenly parents, unless we repent.
    Amazingly, in his opening address of the April 1974 General Conference, President Spencer W. Kimball, in his desire to teach that sex is not just for having babies, quoted Billy Graham as follows: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of the kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His command to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply’” (Reader’s Digest, May 1970, 118).
    As stated above, sexual intimacy has two purposes, thus husbands and wives are encouraged to enjoy intimacy throughout their lives.  During child-bearing years, couples will appropriately want to use contraceptives in order to wisely space their children.  Without contraceptives, some couples could have babies every year.  Abstinence during the wife’s fertile period is a form of birth control, but it has side effects: it puts stress on couples’ relationships, and because women’s cycles are not consistent, couples can experience unexpected pregnancies.   
    Many couples question how many children they should have; this is a private issue that is resolved between the Lord and them alone.  Some LDS couples feel they  should have as many children as  health and circumstances permit.  The Psalmist stated:  “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord. . .happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them” (Psalms 127:3-5).  Nevertheless, the size of the family is the couples’ decision.
    Sexual intimacy legitimately belongs only to those who have made marital covenants.  The command “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14) still exists.  The Ten Commandments have not been revoked.  As Cecil B. DeMille said, “We cannot break the Ten Commandments.  We can only break ourselves against them” (Old Testament Student Manual, 1981,127).
     Sexual sin has serious consequences.  The world portrays sexual promiscuity and recreational sex as normal and without prices or negative consequences. Those who accept this argument live in denial and will ultimately face prices such as heart break, single parenting, guilt, shame, disease, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, divorce, break-up of families, financial devastation, and the broken hearts of children. These are heavy prices.
      Sexual purity (abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage) can be achieved and is well worth all efforts.  To those who have mis-used their sexuality, the Lord offers complete forgiveness upon sincere repentance.
    Once married, does anything go in the bedroom?  No!  Anything that offends the sensitivities of either spouse is not worth it. In regards to frequency, intimacy could occur too often or too little. Each couple has to negotiate the frequency and timing that works best for both of them in an environment of mutual respect that allows both to feel loved and adored.    
    Some want to introduce pornography into their love making with the mistaken idea that it can be used to increase passion.  Pornography is poison under any circumstances. It pollutes normal expectations and effects trust in the relationship.
    What about the use of vibrators? Vibrators can be useful to help some who cannot achieve orgasm easily or for couples who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have intercourse. For some, intercourse is painful without the aid of lubricants.
    Those who have had negative teachings or painful experiences regarding their sexuality may question that sex is meant to be enjoyed.  Note what one LDS woman said: “Sex should be sacred and a source of intense enjoyment. . . a complete union of husband and wife. . .But it is to be more than pleasure.  We respect our bodies.  The body is the temple of the spirit.   But God created us to be sexual.  I enjoy sex.  It makes me happy” (Independent, Press-Telegram, Long Beach, CA, July 19, 1975 A10).      Good books, counseling, and consulting physicians can help those with physical or psychological issues that prevent sexual enjoyment.
    Men and women approach love making differently and are sexually aroused differently.  LDS women should never be guilty of saying anything such as: “You know how men are.” or “He only has one thing on his mind.”   We were created differently so we will work at learning to make one another happy.
    Because of the bond our love-making creates in our marriages, learning to pleasure one another is worth working for.  Remember, “This power is good. . . it is the very key to our happiness” (Ibid, Packer).
   

                                               It’s a Lie! Don’t Believe It!
                                            David H. Coombs, Ed.d, MFT

     A popular magazine seen in many counselors’offices, recently published articles written to normalize and justify pornography. These articles suggests that pornography is harmless and can be an effective tool to help couples achieve the height of sexual pleasure. Further, these articles claim pornography should be viewed not only by men but also should be enjoyed by women as well. This magazine suggests that pornography is only harmful when it creates unnecessary guilt caused by teachings of religious zealots.
    These articles lie. Pornography does pose a serious threat to our society and to the sanctity of marriage, and it undermines the quality of healthy relationships. For better instruction, see the website FightTheNewDrug.com that details how the poison of porn effects the brain and ruins lives. Also see the work done by premier relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman online at the Gottman Institute: “Open letter on Porn.” I applaud the recent movement to declare pornography a serious health hazard that should be banned.
    We have the benefit of reliable studies and reports published by scholars, who are not religious zealots, that leave no doubt about the  destructive nature of pornography. Additionally, I support those faiths that have joined the fight against this evil in our society. Pornography is a billion-dollar industry that cares nothing about who they harm. Who do you think is behind this movement to normalize something so despicable? Who will benefit the most from a push to justify this addiction and to have it in every home?
    Many young children already have been exposed to the filth of porn from discovering it in their homes, on their dad’s computer, or find XXX movies on the top shelves of the bookcase. Their friends have shared it with them on their cell phones or I-pads. Wives have had their hearts broken by their husbands’ addiction to porn. These wives feel objectified by their husbands’ lust; normal sexual relationships have vanished, empathy and compassion have disappeared, and women’s dreams of healthy relationships have been crushed.
    Boys’ exposed to porn develop distorted views of girls when they delve deeper into the darkness of their addiction for the rush of distorted sexual activity. Girls and women have been made to believe that, to be considered sexually desirable, they must dress immodestly, have their bodies sculpted, and have false breasts implanted, so they can imitate what appears in pornographic images.
    Wives feel that they cannot compete with the women portrayed in porn. In fact, pornography propaganda claims it is the wives fault when their husbands stray to have imaginary sex with other women. Women who pose for the pornographers’ cameras are seriously abused and traumatized. They too are victims of the trade. No parents would want their daughters exploited this way.
    Some porn sites portray violence toward women which lead some men to think that this is what women want or deserve. This violence destroys sensitivity needed for an intimate and sensitive connection. As a result boys and men do not learn to treat girls and women with kindness, courtesy, and respect.
    Porn creates unrealistic expectations—a supernormal experience that cannot be duplicated in normal couple relationships; consequently, pornography reduces the satisfaction for both. Those addicted have the false impression that their partners should be ready on demand for unusual sex play. Pornography prescribes that husbands are to dominate, and wives must willingly submit. How does such thinking promote a quality relationship in which both partners feel equally valued? How many divorces can trace pornography as the root cause?
    These articles tell men and women that the use of pornography is normal and natural; it claims that since it doesn’t effect anybody else, no one is harmed. The reality is that it does negatively effect men and the women in many areas of their lives. When men look to their sweethearts to participate in unwanted and undesirable sexual activity and are rebuffed, these men become angry and rude and lash out; any tenderness or emotional closeness they may have had is gone.
    The addict does not realize the spiritual damage caused by sexual addiction till overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Guilt is knowing you are doing bad, and shame is feeling you are bad. This leaves the addict in isolation, cut off from God and from normal, healthy relationships. These two things: God’s love and the love of others are the very things needed for successful recovery. Just coming out of the shadows and admitting one needs help is the first step.Those addicted to drugs can eventually have the poisons eliminated from their bodies; but those addicted to porn have all the sordid images in their minds and readily available for instant recall; that makes recovery harder. However, recovery is possible. I repeat: recovery is possible; addicts can overcome their addiction with hard work and divine assistance.
    Oh, by the way, did I mention I have cancelled my subscription to this magazine?

Dr. Coombs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with his office in Washington, Utah. Contact him at 435-705-3579, email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or visit Dr.DavidCoombs.com.
   
   

                        The Book of Mormon Promise

“I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity - the pure love of Christ - will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness.”
Marion G. Romney, Apostle of the Lord
and member of the First Presidency. General Conference, April 1980.

                                          We Cannot Do Democracy Without Civility
                                                     Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D., MFC

    We cannot do democracy without civility. In most elections, nearly half of the voters do not like how the election turned out. This article is not an argument for or against the out-comes of elections. What should concern us all is the intense hatred, crudeness, crass behavior, and destructive riots. Vile criticism, false information, and distorted news flows without restraint from the media which is tearing this country apart. While we have always had contentious debates, this time they appear more extreme.
    Emmylou Harris, popular singer and song writer said, “As citizens we have to be more thoughtful and more educated and more informed. I turn on the TV and I see these grown people screaming at each other, and I think, well, if we don’t get our civility back we’re in trouble.”
     The constitution gives citizens the freedom to march in the streets, to carry placards, (even when they are obscene and vulgar), to gather in peaceful assemblies to express their frustration. But that law does not give them the right to riot, to destroy public and private property, to burn cars, to smash windows, and beat-up voters who voted against their candidate.
    Across our nation, citizens are behaving irresponsibly and irrationally.  Where is the mature and reasonable thinking that we would expect from members of a democracy that is based on a constitution that guarantees the rights and freedoms of all citizens.
    Are we not a civilized nation that knows how to channel our feelings of discontent? Can we not disagree without, not only being disagreeable, but without demonizing and annihilating those who think differently?
    Our nation fought a Civil War in which over 600,000 thousand American citizens lost their lives because of a war of words that got out of control. People were proud; when they were offended and their ideas were rejected, they justified a response with swords, guns, and cannons. Fathers fought against their sons; brothers murdered their brothers; families were torn apart, and for what? Couldn’t we have resolved the slavery issue without going to war?
    Kevin Stirtz, popular author, stated, “To work best democracy needs a diversity of thoughts, ideas, and expression. This is only possible with freedom and civility.”
     When we disagree and have strong feelings, we must learn to discipline our language and our behavior to maintain decorum. Failing to do so has already lead to civil strife.
    In 1863, in the midst of the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln, called upon our nation for a day of fasting and prayer. He said the nation was being punished for their sins because they had “forgotten God.” President Lincoln stated that our nation had become “too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us!” He admonished the nation to humble themselves, “to confess our national sins, and pray for clemency and forgiveness.”
    We today must pray for our elected leaders, both local and national, and do all we can to aid them to be successful in the offices which they hold. Their success will be our success. Pray for the families in our country, pray that parents will their raise children in an atmosphere of love, kindness, and civility. Let there be no ugly rhetoric in our homes as we speak of our leaders.
    Samuel Johnson, Oxford scholar and English Statesman of the 1700s stated, “When once the forms of civility are violated, there remains little hope of return to kindness or decency.”       
    We are a Christian nation, “one nation, under god, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” Unity helps us preserve our democracy on which our freedoms depend. We must do our part to minimize ranker and civil strife both in our homes and in the public square.
(Quotes from this article came from an online source “Quotes on Civility.”)   

 "To Maintain our self-esteem:

            We must
                 lovingly
                      discipline,     
            kindly correct,
                   constantly support, 
                          and
           quickly forgive
                   ourselves!" 



Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D, MFC
1296 W Red Butte, Washington, Utah
drdavidcoombs@gmail.com (435) 705-3579

When confronted with temptations repeat the following to yourself:

I don't want it!

I don’t need it!

I have no right to it!

Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D, MFC  1296 W. Red Butte, Washington, UT 84780  435-705-3579 DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com

                                          Pressures on Women To Be Thin Can Be Deadly
                                                        Dr David Coombs, Ed.D. MFT

    The obsession for women to achieve the “right” body size can contribute to the development of a mental illness called Anorexia Nervosa which has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
    Enormous pressures by the media cause women to focus their lives on being thin and gorgeous in every way. Women, throughout the world, pay a high price to fit into a prescribed mold. To be acceptable, they believe they must wear a size 2 which for most women is not only unrealistic but is also impossible. Women spend fortunes on extreme diet programs, endure plastic surgery, buy expensive cosmetics and hair products, enroll in gym memberships, have home exercise equipment or simply just starve themselves.
    Recently, a survivor of an eating disorder Dr. Nicole Hawkins, PhD, gave a presentation sponsored by Therapia and Center for Change for Southern Utah. She reported society’s media teaches women to hate their bodies. Certain destructive elements of our culture trap women into thinking they must do all they can, even not eating, to have the perfect, acceptable body.
    A few highlights from Dr. Hawkins reveal the stress many women feel:
Only 2% of women in the world call themselves “beautiful.”
86% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance.
When asked, two out of five women said they would gladly give up 3-5 years of their lives if they could just reach their ideal weight.
51% of girls who were teased and mocked thought of suicide. Peers can be shockingly cruel on social media. (i.e.“You are so fat and ugly, why don’t you just kill yourself.”) Frequent use of Facebook creates greater eating pathology and body dissatisfaction.
The average model is 5’11” and weighs 117 lbs, and wears a size 2. The average American woman is 5’4” and weighs 166 lbs and wears a size 14.
The majority of the images presented in media have been airbrushed or manipulated. 56% of girls believe models have “perfect bodies.”
90% of women diet regularly. 90% of diets fail after one year. Dieters regain all weight lost plus another 10%.
14% of 5-year-old girls diet. 50% of 9-year-old girls diet. 80% of 10 year-old girls diet. 90% of high school girls diet regularly.
Major depression is a common side effect of extreme diets that do not deliver the desired results.
    Dr. Hawkins is the clinical director for the Center for Change and reports remarkable success when girls suffering from eating disorders are medically stabilized and receive adequate nutrition. With individual and group counseling,  girls and women are taught the truth about the destructive influences of our society. They also learn healthy ways of thinking, eliminating distorted thought patterns, gain greater respect for their miraculous bodies, and grow in appreciation for who they are, and how beautiful they really are.
    Doctors with the Wellness Center behind the IHC hospital in St George also provide help for women with legitimate health issues that cause weight gain and weight retention in spite of appropriate diet and exercise. One long-distance runner kept gaining while eating correctly, lifting weights, and running an average of 40 miles a week. The wellness Center helped her measure her metabolism and discovered it was barely working. She learned she was gluten and dairy intolerant. With her diet changed, her metabolism corrected, she lost 30 pounds to reach 170 pounds. Her coach told her that she had reached her perfect weight. Not many women would jump for joy at weighing 170 pounds. However, she was delighted and was able to hear and accept what the doctor said and left feeling beautiful. Women’s goals ought not be set by the media but by their achieving their own healthy weight—determined by their genes and their age, coupled with eating correctly—not dieting—and exercising.
    More must be done to protect women, young and old, from expecting their bodies to go where they cannot go and from the damning and deadly effects of eating disorders. All women can learn to be grateful for the bodies they’ve been given and to stop comparing themselves to others.

(Several books were recommended at the Center for Change Conference: Making Peace With Your Plate, (“eating disorder recovery") by Robyn Cruze and Espra Andrus, The Body Image Workbook by Thomas Cash, and Intuitive Eating, by Evelyn Tribole.)

Dr. Coombs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with his office in Washington, Utah. Contact him at 435-705-3579. email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or visit DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                     Key Points from a Marriage Enrichment Presentation
                                                   Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFC

    Because most people will not attend a marriage enrichment seminar, even though it would be wonderful if they could, couples may be interested in a short taste of one. Recently, Cliff Farnsworth. LCSW, Southwest Trainer for Utah Foster Care, conducted such a seminar that was well received by couples eager to improve the quality of their relationships. This article is a composite of notes taken at the presentation along with thoughts generated by the discussion that followed. Here are a few highlights.
    One of the top predictors for a successful marriage is husbands’ being agreeable. When husbands most often agree with their wives’ comments, ideas, or suggestions, the wives feel supported and validated which does marvelous things for women’s self-esteem and, even better, for their love for their husbands.
    Other top predictors for successful marriages include faith in God, emotional maturity, sufficient training and education to be gainfully employed, and freedom from addictions.
    Humor strengthens and builds healthy relationships. We need daily smiles, chuckles, and hearty laughs. One wife said, “My husband’s humor is so corny. He used to be a scout master, and I think he gets all his jokes out of Boy’s Life, but he still makes me smile.”
    A couple slid off the freeway, careened twenty feet into a barrow pit, and smashed into a tree, totaling their vehicle but hurting no one. The wife turned to her husband and said, “Wow, Honey! Now we get to have a new van.” She could have scolded her husband, called him names, and let him know he was driving too fast. But criticism never works; humor does and often defuses tense situations.
    Someone suggested that when we go into a marriage, we should do so with our eyes wide open and afterwards keep them half closed. While  opposites may attract, such couples will have more differences to negotiate which makes their marriages more challenging—but not impossible. Having as many things in common as possible makes the path smoother. Yet, all couples will have differences to resolve. Farnsworth referred to research showing that 67% of marital differences are never resolved, yet those marriages remain successful when partners make accommodations, are flexible, and learn to to live with the differences. For example, one wife shared that her husband does not celebrate Valentine’s Day but shows his love in other great ways; she accepts that.
    Farnsworth quoted freely from John Gottman’s book, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” (particularly from pages 72-95) wherein Gottman identified four patterns of communication that often destroy marriages: “1.Criticism: Attacking someone’s personality or character. . . usually with blame. 2. Contempt: Insulting or demeaning the spouse; indicating by words or actions that one believes the spouse to be ‘stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool.’ 3. Responding defensively to complaints, criticism, or contempt by making excuses, denying, arguing, whining, or counter-blaming rather than trying to solve the problem. 4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing physically or emotionally from the relationship when disagreements occur, becoming like a stone wall.” These negative patterns can change if couples want to improve their marriages. They are bad habits and should not be labeled as “just the way I am.”
    The question was asked: “Which is more important? Love or commitment?” The answer was commitment! There may be times when out of neglect or foolish mistakes, couples’ feelings of love fade away. They stay together because they made covenants to each other. The loving feelings return by partners doing loving behaviors such as extending the gift of forgiveness and performing acts of kindness. As people continue to go through the motions that loving couples normally do, the love returns.
    Love is a feeling, and it is also a choice. Consider doing the following: 1. Pray individually for your spouse and pray as a couple each day. 2. Always kiss good-bye and hello. (Research indicates that kissing for six seconds will ensure that the spouse remembers the kiss actually happened.) 3. Call/text/email at least once daily. 4. Have at least 5 minutes uninterrupted conversations in which you give each other undivided attention. 5. Hug for at least 30 seconds once each day.
    Successful marriages don’t just happen. They require significant effort and time. Couples need time together daily; they need weekly dates. Couples need min-moons (short honey moons) in which they get away from jobs, children, and the house for at least one or two nights every six months. Leave children in the loving care of others.
    Intimacy is a constant and needs to be mutually enjoyed on a regular basis. All couples determine a rhythm that works best for them. A healthy understanding of sexuality, not poisoned by pornography, is essential. Daily non-sexual contact-comfort such as caresses, holding hands, brushes across the cheek or arm, sliding fingers through hair, tickling backs, rubbing sore feet, keeps spouses emotionally connected with one another.
    Couples make financial investments in hopes of significant returns. They make significant investments in the maintenance of their cars and homes and yards. They work hard in their careers and look forward to successful retirements. Yet, the most important investment they will ever make is in their marriages. No other success can compare to the success couples create in their homes with each other and their children. Remember, if only one partner improves their behavior, that has significant impact on the marriage.
    Thank you, Cliff Farnsworth, for a wonderful evening.

                                            Christ is the Balm that Heals our Wounded Souls

                                                     Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

     When Latter-day Saint Christians have been humbled by life’s experiences and “have been brought down low into the dust”(I Nephi 18:18), we reach out to our Redeemer to find comfort and strength. We search the scriptures for the “pleasing word of God” that we have come to know “healeth the wounded soul”(Jacob 2:8). Verses we may have read many times before stand out on the page and take on new meaning. We become converted anew to the amazing love and grace of our God. We see more clearly our foolish pride and ask again as we have many times before, that “the atoning blood of Christ be applied to us that we may receive forgiveness of our sins”(Mosiah 4:2).

What continues to amaze us is that God’s forgiveness comes “freely” as often as we sincerely repent (Mosiah 26:22)—which may include confessing to the proper priesthood authorities. God is so gracious and so merciful that we mortals have difficulty understanding His tenderness, His patience, and His long suffering towards us (See Lectures on Faith, 39). When we beg and appeal to our Father, in the blessed name of Jesus, for our “guilt to be swept away” (Enos 1:6), He does “not suffer that we beg in vain” (Mosiah 4:20). He grants  us remission of our sins and fills our hearts with joy. The wretched pain of guilt is replaced with the “sweet peace of conscience” (Mosiah 4:3).

We might ask, how do we qualify for this marvelous miracle of forgiveness? How do we apply the atoning blood of Christ to ourselves personally? The answer is found, not in going through the motions of church activity, but in accepting Jesus as our personal Savior and giving permission for His spirit to “have full sway in our hearts” (Alma 42:30). We give up “all our sins to know him” (Alma 22:18), particularly  those which so “easily beset us” (II Nephi 4:18). We pray not passively nor by rote but, “with all energy of heart” (Moroni 7:48). We become more patient and loving with our families. We are more easily entreated. We are more generous and free with our resources. We are less likely to hold on to hurt feelings as we more freely forgive others. We “feast upon the words of Christ” (II Nephi 32:3); and hunger for more. To “retain a remission of our sins” (Mosiah 4:26), we realize we cannot be good people or do good things without Christ.

We realize that the Lord is not as concerned with what we have done in the past as He is with what we are doing with our lives today. Because we are Latter-day Christians, we “no longer droop in sin” (II Nephi 4:28), but we rejoice as we “sing the song of redeeming love” (Alma 5:26). Jesus has redeemed us and His atonement is the balm that heals our wounded souls.

(Dr. Coombs is a professional therapist in Washington, Utah. He can be reached at (435) 705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web DrDavidCoombs.com.)

                                                             How To Date Successfully

                                                        Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D, MFC

     The purpose of successful dating among singles is to develop one’s own relationship skills and in the process to find the right person with the qualities and interests that match their own. If they choose wisely in the courtship they increase the probability of a satisfying and rewarding marriage.          With the current divorce rate at about 50%, people need to do a better job of finding the right person for them. Too many people don’t know how to date successfully. They fall into the trap of being attracted to outward appearances; i.e. someone who is handsome or beautiful that attracts them physically. They begin to date , and their entire courtship consists of dinners, movies, and making out. In a few months they marry. With such shallow courtships, they did not get to know each other well and wonder why their marriages quickly become difficult and unmanageable, often to the point that they see divorce as the only option.

     It takes time for couples to discover if they are a good match. Many mental health professionals suggest that couples date a variety of people over a period of several years. The key to doing this is limiting hugs and kisses and no sexual contact. Once sexual feelings are aroused, people no longer think straight. Before passions skew daters thinking patterns, they must get to know each other intellectually, politically, culturally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Successful dating requires creativity to vary the activities to allow couples to become best friends.

     Dating ideas may include working on projects together that require problem solving skills, a little give and take, maybe sweat and tears. Do meaningful service projects. Read and discuss good books, articles, and newspapers that stimulate thinking and discussion. Serve on committees that allow you to see how well they accept responsibility for assignments and how well they follow through and show dependability. Enjoy group activities that allow you to see each others social skills.

Talk about those things that interest you as well as what is of interest to your dates. If one is more interested in sports and the other in musicals, be willing to take turns enjoying each other’s preference. 

     Notice how they treat clerks, waiters, janitors, drivers on the road, the elderly and small children. Are they patient or quick to criticize, find fault, and blame others? How do they deal with frustration, irritation and disappointments? Are they moody and often depressed or are they cheerful and optimistic? Are they disagreeable or are they willing to negotiate, compromise, and work out differences?  Do they act helpless and need rescuing? Are they domineering, demanding, controlling and manipulative?

     What is their attitude toward education and seeking careers that are emotionally and financially rewarding? Do they like to read and to learn new things? Are you spiritually compatible; do you both feel the same about  church and the level of church activity? Would you be interested in reading scriptures and other inspirational books together?

     Get to know the parents of your preferred dates. When people marry, they not only marry their sweethearts but their whole family. How will their cultural background effect your relationship? What you see in your date’s parents, good or bad, may play a role in your potential marriage.

     Dating helps you discover how honest and trustworthy they are. Do they have bad habits or addictions that need to be resolved? Notice red flags from those with addictions, such as pornography: if they say, “Yes, I’ve had a problem off and on in the past, and while I know pornography is bad, it is not that bad.” Realize, with that attitude, they have no motivation to change because, to them, the habit is not that bad. The same is true with any addictions. Would you prefer to marry on the promise the addictions will be resolved quickly or to wait and to see if the problems have really been put to rest?

     Everyone can put their best foot forward for three months, so give the relationship plenty of time to see if those you are dating are real and genuine people. You don’t want any unpleasant surprises later. 

     While it is said that opposites attract, it is also known that opposites make for more difficult marriages because there are more things to be negotiated. It is better and easier to succeed if you find those who have more in common with you.

     Unfortunately, most people select their mates from one or two options instead of getting to know a number of potential partners. You can successfully date a lot of people providing you are not physically involved. The more people you date, the more you will know what kind of personality you most enjoy.

     A common disaster happens to those good-hearted people who give and give with the hopes of having love returned in equal measure. Too often they get caught in relationships with someone who takes and takes and rarely gives back.

     Doubtless, what you get in the courtship is what you get in the marriage. It is also likely that the faults seen, but overlooked in dating, will be exaggerated in the marriage and the strengths may diminish. Therefore, “keep your eyes wide open in the courtship, and once married, you keep your eyes half closed.”

I highly recommend a book to aid those who wish to date successfully: How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, by Dr. John Van Epp, Ph.D.

Dr. Coombs is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Washington, Utah. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or his email is DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web at DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                                      I’ve Decided Not To Be Offended!

                                                     by Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D., MFC

     For years I’ve been offended by my wife’s correcting my driving. I’m either going too slow or too fast, not turning at the right place, or not parking in the best places. She tells me where to go and how to get there or warns me of a car or a pedestrian that I supposedly hadn’t seen. I tell her over and over to stop doing that. I’m not a kid. I know how to drive, and I don’t need to be reminded what to do all the time. When I scold her, for some reason, she feels hurt and there’s tension in the air. When will she ever learn?

     Finally, I put my foot down that she is not to tell me how to drive. So, not long ago, we were driving in silence, and she was being good at not correcting me. I got lost and didn’t know where we were. She broke the silence by telling me that I should have exited the freeway several exits ago but since she was sworn to silence, she didn't say anything. There were other frightening incidents, like when I nearly collided with a truck and she yelled out and saved our lives.

     Well, I learned my lesson. I realized that there are times that I do need her advice, and there are times I don’t. But, since she doesn’t know when I do or don’t, I need not be offended. If I get upset, then it is my problem. I am the one who decides if I am going to be irritated. That is my choice. I have come to the conclusion that the prices I am paying for my problem are too high.

     Therefore, I’ve decided not to be offended at anything she has to say whether it’s in the car or in the house or at anytime or any place. Wow! That  has made a big difference in our relationship. The tension has been greatly reduced, and we are enjoying more peace than ever before.

     She tells me how grateful she is for my allowing her the freedom to say what she feels without fear that I will disapprove. She tells me that my criticism affected her self-esteem because she disliked disappointing me. That was a wake-up call for me. I felt terrible that I was failing in my role of being the guardian of her self worth.

     She is a lovely woman who has devoted herself to pleasing me and doing all she can to make me feel loved, yet there I was spewing forth negative comments that made her feel unloved and unappreciated. Why did it take me so long to learn not to be easily offended?

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage and family therapist and has a private practice in Washington, Utah. You can contact him at 435-705-3579 or email him at DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on his webpage www.DrDavidCoombs.com.

                  Lessons in Faith Gleaned from the Holy Scriptures

                  A Scripture Chain of Confidence in the Lord

         When entertaining doubts and fears, read the following: 

1. "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not" (D&C 6:36).

2. "For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content" (Philippians 4:11).

3. "All things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28).

4. “Be still, and know that I am god” (Psalm 41:10).

5. "Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us" (Hebrews 12:1)

6. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

7. "O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever (Jacob 3:2).

                                                           “Face the Future With Optimism”

(Excerpts from an address given by Elder M. Russell Ballard April 6, 2012 at Brigham Young University-Idaho Commencement Services)

As I prepared for this talk today, I asked for guidance to know what message our Heavenly Father would want me to share with you. The calming and assuring words spoken by the Lord to Joseph Smith came to my mind: “Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours…and the riches of eternity” (D&C 78:18).

What I believe the Lord wants me to tell you is that you should replace fear with faith—faith in God and the power of the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. I can remember as a young 13-year-old boy coming home from priesthood meeting on Sunday, December 7, 1941, to learn from my parents that Japan had just bombed Pearl Harbor. This propelled the United States into a world war that had already been raging in Europe for two years. It seemed like life as we knew it was going to come to an end. There was much uncertainty as many young men were swept up into military service. However, now just as then, amidst all of the conflicts, struggles, and evil influences in the world, there is still much of good. 

As you think about your future, you should be filled with faith and hope. Always remember that Jesus Christ, the creator of the universe, the architect of our salvation, and the head of this Church is in control. He will not permit His work to fail. He will be victorious over all darkness and evil. And He invites us all, members of His Church and others who are the honest in heart, to join in the battle for the souls of men. Along with all else we will do in life, we must also dedicate and consecrate our heart, might, mind, and strength to His cause, walking in faith and working with conviction.

Face the future with optimism. I believe we are standing on the threshold of a new era of growth, prosperity, and abundance. Barring a calamity or unexpected international crisis, I think the next few years will bring a resurgence in the economy as new discoveries are made in communication, medicine, energy, transportation, physics, computer technology, and other fields of endeavor.

Many of these discoveries, as in the past, will be the result of the Spirit whispering insights into and enlightening the minds of truth-seeking individuals. Many of these discoveries will be made for the purpose of helping to bring to pass the purposes and work of God and the quickening of the building of His kingdom on earth today. With these discoveries and advances will come new employment opportunities and prosperity for those who work hard and especially to those who strive to keep the commandments of God. This has been the case in other significant periods of national and international economic growth.

Before the Savior’s second coming—and based on His divine timetable—the gospel must be taken to every nation, kindred, tongue, and people until it fills the whole earth. And as the Prophet Joseph declared, “no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the great Jehovah shall say the work is done” (Documentary History of the Church, Vol. 4, 540).

As the gospel is carried to the billions of spiritually hungry souls, miracles will be performed by the hand of the Lord. Missionaries of many nationalities will serve the Lord throughout the earth. New chapels and many more temples will be built to bless the Saints as pre-millennial growth has been prophesied. 

You may ask, “Where will the financial resources come from to fund this growth?” The resources will come from faithful members like you through your tithes and offerings. As you graduates do your part, the Lord will bless you with prosperity and the wisdom to keep your mind focused on what matters most in your life: “But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:13). 

So, for yet a season, possibly a short season, it will seem as though the windows of heaven will have truly opened so that “there shall not be room enough to receive it” (Malachi 3:10). I believe you graduates sitting here today will be active participants in temporal blessings if you keep the commandments of the Lord. With prosperity will come a unique challenge—a test that will try many of you to your spiritual core. As you step into this new world of prosperity and engage in converting your education into financial success, you will always have to control wants vs. needs.

You will have two choices. Will your motivation to build and acquire the blessings of the Lord be for personal gratification, the recognition of men, for power, influence and self-aggrandizement? Or will your motive be to glorify God, working to help usher in the growth and expansion of His Church?

Those who seek riches to build up their own egos will find their treasure to be slippery and easily lost in unwise ways. The welfare of their souls will be in great jeopardy. Jacob, the obedient younger brother of Nephi warned us concerning this wealth:

“And the hand of providence hath smiled upon you most pleasingly, that you have obtained many riches…yet you are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear stiff necks and high heads because of the costliness of your apparel…do ye suppose that God justifieth you in this thing? Behold I say unto you, Nay. But he condemneth you, and if ye persist in these things his judgments must speedily come unto you…let not this pride of your hearts destroy your souls!  (Jacob 2:13-14,16).

Jacob then put our motivation to acquire wealth in the proper perspective with a promise:

“But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God.

“And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good—to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted” (Jacob 2: 18-19).

The Lord is not telling us that we should not be prosperous or that prosperity is a sin or is evil. On the contrary, He has always blessed the obedience of His people with prosperity. He is telling us that we should seek prosperity only after we seek, find, and serve Him. Then, because our hearts are right, because we love Him first and foremost, we will choose to invest the riches we obtain in building His kingdom.

If you choose to seek riches for the sake of riches, you will fall short. You will never be satisfied.  You will be empty, never finding true happiness and lasting joy. The trial of your faith, my dear brothers and sisters, in the next few years to come will likely not be that you lack the material things of this world. Rather it will be in choosing what to do with the temporal blessings you may receive.

Of you and your generation, President Ezra Taft Benson said: “For nearly six thousand years, God has held you in reserve to make your appearance in the final days before the Second Coming…God has saved for the final inning some of His strongest children, who will help bear off the kingdom triumphantly…You are the generation that must be prepared to meet your God” (“Stalwart and Brave We Stand,” quoted by Marvin J. Ashton, Ensign, November 1989, 36).

Brothers and sisters, to be a vital part of the marvelous work and wonder in these last days, you must submit your will to God, letting it be swallowed up in His will.  As you press forward “with a steadfastness in Christ,” with a “brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men...feasting upon the word of Christ,” (2 Nephi 31:20) searching diligently, praying always, and believing, then, as the Lord promises, “all things will work together for your good” (see D&C 90:24).

So, I urge you to make a commitment to yourself and to Heavenly Father to dedicate your life and consecrate your time and talents to the building up of the Church of Jesus Christ in anticipation of the Savior’s second coming. Let the motive of your thoughts and actions be to glorify God and to bless your fellowman. Let this desire inspire you to greet each new morning with enthusiasm, let it fuel your thoughts and actions throughout each day. If you do this, you will be blessed in the midst of a world that is fast losing its way, and you and your loved ones will be secure and happy. This does not mean that you will not face trials and tests, but it does mean you will have the spiritual power to handle them with faith and trust in the Lord.

My dear graduates, the purpose of my message is to help you envision your future. Have faith and hope for the bright future you face as you leave BYU-Idaho and move on to your next great adventure. You young men are the future fathers, “a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9). You young women are the future mothers and nurturers of God’s own spirit sons and daughters.

For both men and women, one of your top priorities is to find your eternal companion, if you have not already done so. Marriage in the temple will provide you with a companion to help you stay on the right path that leads back to the presence of our Heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. You are the generation that will continue the preparation for the Second Coming.

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                                                         Perfectionism makes life more difficult

                                                          Dr. David H Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

     A fine line separates those wanting to do well and those wanting to win Olympic Gold Medals. I am always amazed at those athletes who sacrifice family, friendships, education, careers, marriage, postpone children and so many other things; they give up what most people consider a normal life.  They pay a price I would not be willing to pay nor would I want any of my children to pay. Yet, I must add, I admire them for their drive, commitment, diligence, and years of hard work. I also feel compassion for those athletes whose scores are just seconds away from the medalists.

     Perfectionistic people often have difficulty being happy. Some who strive compulsively to do all things well find life burdensome and challenging. They often feel guilt and depression. Perfectionism afflicts high achievers and those who feel that, to be valued, they must successfully achieve in all ways: economically, academically, athletically, artistically, politically, or physically.  If our worth is dependent on achieving, then do we harshly judge those who are mentally and/or physically handicapped and are dependent upon others to take care of them? Are they not valued? 

Are they not of worth? We are more than what we do; we are valued because we exist. 

     If we were raised by perfectionistic parents, then we undoubtedly were taught maxims like:  “Give 100% in all that you do.”  “If it is worth doing, it is worth doing right.”  “Practice makes perfect.”  While there is some truth to these statements, when carried to the extreme, they drive us unmercifully and create significant feelings of inadequacy. 

     What if these statements were restated as follows:  “Some things will get our best efforts, others a lick and a promise.”  “Many things are worth the time and effort to do well; some are not.”  “Practice does not always lead to perfection (there are so few perfect things in this life), but it will improve performance.”  

     We want to be diligent but must not run faster than we have strength.  The challenge is finding the balance.  We could be lazy and do nothing, but most of us want to work hard; however, we don’t want to be so overwhelmed that we suffer from depression and despair.  While most of us feel the urgency to grow and to develop, we must not expect to achieve more than what is realistic.

     The reason we often feel inadequate, incomplete, and imperfect is because we are. Mortals are made this way. Rather than exaggerate our feelings of inadequacy and guilt, we can be grateful we are aware of our humanity.  It would be awful if we lived in denial of the fact that we are all flawed. Facing these realities makes it clear that no one can live independently of others. We all need each other.

     When perfectionistic people strive to do their best, they often feel dissatisfied because there is always more to do. They feel they are forever falling short and must run faster, work harder, and do more in less time.  This approach to life can be exhausting and can lead to excessive worry and low self-esteem.  

     “Letting go and letting God” is a phrase heard often to remind us that when we are full of anxiety, we are holding on too tightly. The amazing paradox to all this is that we are happier people when we develop the courage to let go and to humbly accept ourselves as imperfect people. We give up unnecessary guilt, experience more peace, and feel increased self-acceptance.  We are more tolerant of ourselves and less susceptible to emotional burnout. We learn to appropriately love and forgive ourselves and others. Amazingly, we find more pleasure in our accomplishments even if we don’t have gold medals around our necks.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage family, and individual counselor and has a private practice in Washington city. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web at DrDavidCooombs.com.

                                                          “Doubt Not, Fear Not”

                                                   Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

     Worry and fear cripple our ability to lead happy and productive lives. And there is a direct relationship between fear and a lack of faith in God; “Perfect love casteth out all fear” (Moroni 8:16). Just as the Lord said to Joshua, "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee"(Joshua 1:5), he has promised us all that if we will put our trust in Him, He will make us equal to any and all tasks. The Lord has repeatedly said, "Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36). He has reminded us over and over that “the righteous need not fear.” In II Nephi 22:18-22, the Lord repeats words of comfort to the righteous, particularly the saints of the latter-days, that they need not fear.

     Being well aware that mortality is sometimes very scary, Heavenly Father has given many needed assurances, particularly to those who strive to keep all of His commandments, and even to those who “seek so to do” (Doctrine and Covenants 46:9). This last thought provides heaven-sent comfort.  

We mortals forget that we walk in full view of our loving Heavenly Father and are never out of His sight. He is always aware of us and knows our needs. He has assured us that He will always stand by us and, additionally, has assigned angels to be on our right hand and on our left, and has placed His Spirit in our hearts to buoy us up and to give us constant strength (see Doctrine and Covenants 84:88). With this assurance why should we ever be afraid?

     We demonstrate a lack of faith when we frighten ourselves with "what if" questions that lead to awful and devastating conclusions. We all may choose to ask a myriad of “What ifs” that do nothing but create doubts, fears, anxiety and despair. We also may choose to remember the old preacher’s greeting to each new day: “Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can’t handle”(Source unknown).

     We disobey the command to "Let virtue garnish [our] thoughts unceasingly"(Doctrine and Covenants 121:45) when we think the worst about ourselves, recall painful memories of the past, worry about our current circumstances, fill our minds with negative images, and overwhelm our hearts with dread. The power of the atonement of Christ allows us to feel clean from the past, fortified for the present, and confident of our future. We must change our "what ifs" to "so whats" and know that "All things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28). When worries and fears creep into our hearts, let us remember to follow the counsel in Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." 

     Are we not in good hands as we lean and wait upon the Lord? Of course we must seek to be obedient and to do all in our power to bring about much righteousness, then we can let go of our worries and let God take charge of our lives. We want our will to be swallowed up in His will. Elder Neal Maxwell pointed out that, since our Father has given us everything we have, then the one gift that is truly ours to give in return is our will (October Conference Report 1995, 30). There is peace only in surrendering our all to Him who promises His all in return. 

     Sometimes our fears come because we have created a fantasy of our own personal Camelot and plead with Heavenly Father to make it all possible. We are easily frightened when the Lord is late or says no to us; we forget that He is much wiser, has eternal perspective, and knows what is best for us. We must also have faith in His perfect timing. He is “a God of truth and canst not lie” (Ether 3:12). His promises are certain. He will not fail us nor forsake us as we continue to serve and love Him. He has promised the faithful "peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come" (Doctrine and Covenants 59:23).  As we look to the future with an eye of faith, we come to know all that we need to know: our future is glorious. President Monson coined the phrase, “Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith” (April General Conference 2009).

     We burden our families and create black clouds that hang over them when we wallow in fear and doubt. If one of our fears is not having sufficient money, then the surest way to solve financial concerns is in the faithful payment of tithes and offerings. We are promised that as we do so we will always have enough and to spare (see Malachi 3:10). The Lord looks after his own. 

     Of course, we can’t pay tithing and then heap unwise debt on ourselves and expect God to make our payments. But he will inspire us to budget and often leads us to get more training and to find better paying jobs.

     Maintaining positive images helps us overcome our fears; for example, we may want to consider what the Lord said to Oliver Cowdrey as recorded in Doctrine and Covenants 6:20: “Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of My love.” Now that is a mental image that can be a powerful source of great comfort!

     It is possible that one of the most frequently repeated commands is “Fear not.” Mark 5:23-43 tells a touching story of Jairus, ruler of the synagog, who pleaded for the life of his desperately ill daughter and urgently invited the Lord to come quickly to his home to heal her. On the way Jesus was interrupted, and by the time he arrived the twelve-year-old little girl was dead.  Jairus sent word to the Savior that He was too late. Jesus response was “Be not afraid, Only believe.” The Lord continued to the house and raised the girl from the dead. But even if the miracle sought by the father had not been granted, the command to “be not afraid, [but] only believe” was applicable to the father then and still applies to us all today. Being believers does not shield us from the pain and challenges of life, but it does give us the resources to deal with whatever life throws at us.

     In his book, Way to Be!: 9 Rules for Living the Good life, 81, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “In my ninety-plus years, I have learned a secret. I have learned that when good men and good women face challenges with optimism, things will always work out! Truly, things always work out! Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.” Notice that he said “things always work out” three times? That’s powerful.

     Many have been inspired by the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation,” noting the third verse, “Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.”(Hymn 85).

     The Apostle Paul developed an exemplary attitude as recorded in Philippians 4:11: “For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” It is easy to compare our situation with others in such a way that we feel that God has abundantly blessed others but not us. Yet we know He is no respecter of persons: in other words, he does not love one more than another. 

     All persons have divinely designed curriculums suited to teach them what they particularly need to learn as they go through their mortal probation. (Neal Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 6) This life is a test to see if we can endure to the end with our faith in God well developed and fully intact, being “submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19).

     In the Lectures on Faith, third chapter, it states that our faith is not complete till we have the assurance that we are living lives that are pleasing before God. Only those who “doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come” (Doctrine and Covenants 59:23).

     Paul wrote to Timothy, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (II Timothy 1:7). Having a sound mind is holding on to appropriate thoughts that are edifying and uplifting. Maybe this is what Jacob had in mind when he said, “O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads [apparently Jacob was speaking to good people whose heads were hanging down probably due to negative or inappropriate self-talk] and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm forever” (Jacob 3:2). Those who have minds that are firm are those who are steadfast and immoveable in holding to the thoughts that push away doubts and fears and replace them with “the pleasing word of God.” 

     King Benjamin’s classic address offers these great words of comfort: “Moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it” (Mosiah 2:41).

     We are the sum total of our thoughts. We can think thoughts that are fearful and create doubt and anxiety. Or we can feast upon the words of the Living God, plant them firmly in our minds, and be free from all fear. Why not follow the admonition offered by King Benjamin: “Believe in God; believe that he is . . . believe that he has all wisdom, and all power . . . that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend . . . believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now if ye believe all these things see that ye do them” (Mosiah 4:9-10).

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual therapist in Washington, Utah. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or find him on the web at www.DrDavidCoombs.com.

                               Would Your Children Say They Came from a Fun Family?

                                              Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D, MFT

       An old adage claims that families that pray together stay together, and it is also true that when families play together they also stay together. Those families that frequently enjoy fun times together create a special bond that keeps them friends throughout their lives.

       I interviewed many people, adults and children, and asked one question: What made or makes your family fun? Here are some of the responses.

1. We eat breakfast and dinner together and talk about our day and what is going on in our lives. 
2. We sing songs together around the piano while mom plays.
3. We enjoy fun vacations that include family reunions.
4. One time my parents told us at breakfast that we were not going to school that day because we were going to go to Disneyland just as soon as the house was clean. What a surprise! We all whooped and hollered as we scattered like crazy to see how fast we could get our chores done. 
5. We had spur of the moment activities when mom would say, “Let’s go for a walk on the beach,” but added, “No need to bring your suits because you’re not getting wet, it’s too cold today.” Well, we always got wet as we raced the waves up the shore and lost. We loved it. Mom only laughed. But if we complained about being cold, we got no sympathy.
6. We have fun playing basketball on the driveway with the whole family, including mom and dad.
7. Our whole family, not just mom or dad, support each other when someone is in a play, athletic event, concert, award ceremony, etc. My brothers and sisters are my best friends.
8. Mom sometimes shouts spontaneous announcements on Saturday morning such as when we get our chores done, we will go to the park and afterwards get ice cream cones. 
9. Camping in the mountains or at the beach were highlights in our family.
10. Our dad makes cookies on Sunday afternoons or brings out a hidden box of See’s chocolates. While we eat, we plan our week.
11. We often played silly games around the table like Spoons. Sometimes  we turned all the lights off and pulled the drapes and played dark hide-and-seek with flashlights. 
12. I’ll never forget our weeks at Aspen Grove and our hikes to the top of Mount Timpanogos. 
13. I  have fond memories of those weeks we spent in Park City.
14. I remember family trips to the movies.
15. My life was changed when my parents took us on a Super vacation that included a trip to Washington DC, an American history tour through Boston, an LDS church History tour from Vermont to Illinois that included the Palmyra Pageant in New York. 
16. Not all of our Family Home Evenings were great, but we had a message, a game, family prayer and a treat. I don’t remember the lessons, but I do remember the warm feeling of being with family.
17. I loved our camping trip to Yosemite and to the giant Redwoods.
18. On long car rides, we play the Alphabet game, the beaver game, and sing songs. Dad likes to point out the “hysterical” markers (Historical) and tell us silly stories of when he was the captain of a submarine, and we were the crew with other little children. 
19. I like it when Dad reads stories to us as we cuddle together on the couch.
20. When Dad was busy, Mom would courageously take us girls for a campout on the beach.
21. I liked the times our family would get ice-cream cones and window-shop the stores in the mall. One time we ended up at a See’s Candy store.
22. Dad and Mom have monthly private interviews with us to discuss any of our personal concerns. One time I was brave enough to ask Dad for a raise in my allowance. I knew I was his favorite, so I knew he probably would say yes. Strange, I found out later that my siblings felt the same way and we all got raises.
23. My parents say “yes” to most of my requests, so when they say “no,” I know they really mean it. I like that my parents don’t believe in grounding. My friends think my parents are the best.
24. I like it when my dad and I play ball or toss a frisbee and talk.
25. Our family is into running and biking and we have fun together.

     To have a fun family doesn’t require expensive trips or outings, as exciting as they may be. The key is to frequently take time to do something fun.

Dr. Coombs is in private practice as a licensed marriage, family, and individual therapist in Washington City. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                                           The challenges of step-parenting

                                                         Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

       Not many life experiences challenge couples more than trying to blend families together with children still in the home. Step-parents have a tough job, and step-mothers have even the hardest time because they spend more time with the kids. They are often given the most responsibility but have less power and appreciation, and they are often unfairly resented. While we have all heard of wicked step-mothers, most step-mothers work hard at a very difficult task. 

       Many things can sink a second marriage; the financial, emotional, psychological, and spiritual components of parenting children who can seem to have come from another world is daunting. All family members feel as if they’re walking through an emotional mine-field blindfolded. No wonder the divorce rate is 20% higher in second marriages with children in the home than in first marriages with no kids.  

       Understandably, life is easier if just husbands and wives are negotiating a new marriage. When couples add children, ex-spouses, and extended families they require several years to blend together. It takes time to successfully navigate the differing traditions of christmas, thanksgiving, summer vacation, weddings, birthdays, etc.

       Couples contemplating marrying and bringing together children from two or more families may want to date for an extended time. Some professionals suggest they not commit to marry until they have dated three years. Most couples should date at least a year before marriage, but when blending families, and building new relationships, it may take longer. Many of the dating activities should be with the children. Disaster can follow when couples rush into marriage involving more than just the two of them. It is quite a challenge to meet the needs of spouse and children who all compete for attention. 

       In blending families, the marriage is first priority. Spouses need to carve out time from every day to talk, to share feelings, to plan, and to organize their lives both with and without their children. Couples need weekly dates alone and mini-moons away (short honeymoons of at least one overnight every six months). Let the children feel the power of the love and devotion couples have for each other for it is the glue that bonds the entire family.

       Because it takes years for families to blend, patience is the big watchword. One father expressed his frustration at trying to relate to his new step-daughter in a meaningful way.  He was ready to give up when he was asked how long he had been working his plan to get close to her.  He answered, “Three months.” Remember, it takes longer than that to get used to a new baby, so couples should expect to spend more time and patience than three months to develop relationships, especially with older children.  Some families seem to do well in three years; others take longer.

       Consider the problems that come from the emotional pain family members carry from divorces, from betrayal, and from broken promises in old relationships that can be inflicted on new relationships. Think what difficult paths the children have traveled through broken trust, feelings of abandonment and more. Children come to the new family with different expectations, traditions, and schedules including bed times, chore expectations, eating habits, and so forth. The two families of origin are often poles apart. However, there is hope and help; step-parents don’t have to go down this path alone.

       Unfortunately, many couples who are struggling with the overwhelming task of blending families have never read a book on step-parenting nor attended a support group for step--parents nor talked to a professional therapist. One book couples may consider is Ron Deal’s The Smart Step-Family. Couples will learn that the most important aspect of step-parenting is the quality of the marriage. Building a strong and lasting marriage requires significant effort and gives couples the necessary power to be successful in their parenting. 

       The strength of the marriage is only as strong as the depth of the covenant that both partners make to each others’ happiness. There must be absolute fidelity; they will not allow feelings for anyone else to interfere or be a threat to the loyalty they have to each other. This also means that they will not give any preference to past partners or spouses or give allegiance to other family members or to anyone else. Assurances must be given to the new spouse of being first priority.

       Respect and listening are essential as well as letting go of minor annoyances, having a ton of patience, love, and a  ready sense of humor. Laughing at trying to do what seems to be impossible feels better than crying or exploding into tantrums to get others to listen and obey.

Not enough can be said about mom and dad being united and working together as a team. It doesn’t work for parents to have different rules or play different roles in which one is the heavy and the other is the nice guy. Couples must talk and agree on a policy and back each other up. They must not let kids divide and pit one parent against the other. There may be times when a response to a child’s request will have to be postponed till there is time for mom and dad to confer with each other.

       When disciplining the kids, avoid a heavy hand, sarcasm, name calling. In particular, avoid grounding which, in the end, also punishes the parents and creates serious tension in the home. Not every infraction requires punishment when a simple apology will do. This works both ways.

Do something fun with your children on a regular basis. It doesn’t have to be a huge affair or cost a lot of money. It could be as simple as going to the park and getting ice cream cones after. Play board games, play basketball in the driveway, or go for hikes. It is not so important what you do, but it is important you do something fun. Families bond when they are laughing and having fun together.

       Criticism and coarse language is poison. Consider that every unkind statement requires five positive exchanges to erase the pain. When couples experience differences, talking while being physically close enough to touch helps them avoid yelling. Listen to each other with empathy. Be aware of opportunities for ways to give each other compliments, praise, and expressions of appreciation. Frequently acknowledge the kind and thoughtful acts done for each other. Delight in your privilege of touching each other tenderly, giving bear hugs, sweet kisses, and ample sexual activity. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Rarely say no to each other when invited to enjoy intimacy. Those who say, “I’m too tired tonight,” cheat themselves as well as their partners when, in fact, by responding readily, both will actually sleep better. This one bit of counsel alone will result in huge benefits for marriages.

       In addition to talking with friends who seem to be doing well at blending their families, reading books and enlisting professional help, they would do well to seek divine assistance.  A solid spiritual base gives couples strength on which to build a happy family. One of the best things for blending families is to affiliate with a church that has a successful youth program and that offers classes in strengthening marriage and family. Attending church as a family may be the very key to enjoying success. Parents need all the help and support they can get.  

       Remember, we can do hard things, and the many couples who have successfully blended their families together will testify, “It’s worth it.”

(Dr. Coombs is in private practice as a licensed marriage, family, and individual therapist in Washington City. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web DrDavidCoombs.com.)

                                                      Developing a Healthy Self-Esteem 

                                                     Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

       For my doctoral dissertation, I studied self-esteem. I wanted to know how we develop self-confidence and how we learn to feel good about ourselves. If people lack confidence, how do they get it? I learned golden nuggets of truth that, when applied, help us feel good about ourselves.

       First, all of us have suffered from low self-esteem to one degree or another at one time or another. No one feels completely adequate or approved of all the time. We cannot expect universal approval; we must face the fact that not every one is going to like us, and we are not always going to succeed; but that is OK. We see others fail and we still like them; on the other hand, there are people we don’t particularly care for, so why  should we expect everyone to like us?

       Second, we can change our self-esteem. We don’t have to feel locked into thinking and feeling a certain way about ourselves. Change occurs when we decide to change. We begin by bringing our behavior in line with our values. Persons who carry heavy burdens of guilt and shame do not feel good about themselves until they live in harmony with what they know to be right.

       Third, self-esteem is effected by experiences we had as children. Those who were abused, discounted, frequently criticized, or abandoned often feel of little worth. Because of our experiences growing up, all of us have running conversations with ourselves that could be self-defeating. If our parents or significant others were harsh and critical, then we will likely talk to ourselves that same way.

       Fourth, we can change our negative self talk. In fact, if we are to change the way we feel about ourselves, we must change the way we talk to ourselves. Learning the language of self-support is likened to the process of re-parenting ourselves. We must lovingly discipline, kindly correct, constantly support, and quickly forgive ourselves. For example, when we experience a severe disappointment or trauma and are left feeling inadequate and powerless, we must use the power of positive self talk and not label ourselves as failures or losers. For example, we can tell ourselves things such as: “I know I’m not free from making mistakes or having problems or experiencing challenges or facing difficulties, but I am free to choose how I respond to them. I can do hard things. I am a good problem solver. With the Lord’s help, I will overcome all things and move on.”

       Fifth, many of us were taught that it was prideful and wrong to say nice things to ourselves. We were warned not to “get a big head.” While we do not want to brag, it is imperative that we educate our feelings by reminding ourselves (not others) of our qualities, virtues, and strengths. If we wait for others to compliment and praise us so we can feel good about ourselves, we are most likely too dependent on others. Additionally, too many times, when people are positive and do say nice things to us, we may discount their compliments out of fear that if people really knew us, they wouldn’t say those nice things. To feel good about ourselves, we need to not only graciously accept positive feedback but also practice believing it. Remember, a simple “thank you” is the best response to praise.

       Sixth, when we compare ourselves with others so that we assume ourselves to be woefully lacking, our self-esteem suffers. When we envy others for their wealth, position, good looks, and so forth, we find it difficult to accept ourselves just as we are. While we all make these comparisons, they do not serve us well. So let’s stop it!

       Seventh, we can challenge ourselves to move out of our comfort zone and courageously take steps to do those things we have always wanted to do, but didn’t do, because we were afraid of failing. We must acknowledge our fears and then move forward. Life is no fun if we always play it safe. As we learn to boldly face our fears, we find that most fears are mythical and that we can do more than we ever thought we could. Success breeds success and builds self-confidence.

       Eighth, curiously, as we have been discussing what we can do to better love ourselves, it may seem a contradiction to mention how important it is that we forget ourselves and think more of what we can do for others. Losing ourselves in the service of others is rewarding, and we may find there is more of ourselves to like when we bless others.

       As we learn to accept the truths in the compliments we give to ourselves and those we receive from others, to acknowledge our strengths and talents, to develop positive self talk, to be more forgiving of our own humanity, to humbly think more of others, we may actually enjoy living the lives we are living and doing the things we are doing. We may find ourselves saying, “It’s nice being me; I enjoy life, most of the time, I like who I am.” Being able to do so defines a person who enjoys a healthy self-esteem.

Dr. Coombs is in private practice as a licensed marriage, family, and individual therapist in Washington City. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web DrDavidCoombs.com.