Perfectionism makes life more difficult

                                                          Dr. David H Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

     A fine line separates those wanting to do well and those wanting to win Olympic Gold Medals. I am always amazed at those athletes who sacrifice family, friendships, education, careers, marriage, postpone children and so many other things; they give up what most people consider a normal life.  They pay a price I would not be willing to pay nor would I want any of my children to pay. Yet, I must add, I admire them for their drive, commitment, diligence, and years of hard work. I also feel compassion for those athletes whose scores are just seconds away from the medalists.

     Perfectionistic people often have difficulty being happy. Some who strive compulsively to do all things well find life burdensome and challenging. They often feel guilt and depression. Perfectionism afflicts high achievers and those who feel that, to be valued, they must successfully achieve in all ways: economically, academically, athletically, artistically, politically, or physically.  If our worth is dependent on achieving, then do we harshly judge those who are mentally and/or physically handicapped and are dependent upon others to take care of them? Are they not valued? 

Are they not of worth? We are more than what we do; we are valued because we exist. 

     If we were raised by perfectionistic parents, then we undoubtedly were taught maxims like:  “Give 100% in all that you do.”  “If it is worth doing, it is worth doing right.”  “Practice makes perfect.”  While there is some truth to these statements, when carried to the extreme, they drive us unmercifully and create significant feelings of inadequacy. 

     What if these statements were restated as follows:  “Some things will get our best efforts, others a lick and a promise.”  “Many things are worth the time and effort to do well; some are not.”  “Practice does not always lead to perfection (there are so few perfect things in this life), but it will improve performance.”  

     We want to be diligent but must not run faster than we have strength.  The challenge is finding the balance.  We could be lazy and do nothing, but most of us want to work hard; however, we don’t want to be so overwhelmed that we suffer from depression and despair.  While most of us feel the urgency to grow and to develop, we must not expect to achieve more than what is realistic.

     The reason we often feel inadequate, incomplete, and imperfect is because we are. Mortals are made this way. Rather than exaggerate our feelings of inadequacy and guilt, we can be grateful we are aware of our humanity.  It would be awful if we lived in denial of the fact that we are all flawed. Facing these realities makes it clear that no one can live independently of others. We all need each other.

     When perfectionistic people strive to do their best, they often feel dissatisfied because there is always more to do. They feel they are forever falling short and must run faster, work harder, and do more in less time.  This approach to life can be exhausting and can lead to excessive worry and low self-esteem.  

     “Letting go and letting God” is a phrase heard often to remind us that when we are full of anxiety, we are holding on too tightly. The amazing paradox to all this is that we are happier people when we develop the courage to let go and to humbly accept ourselves as imperfect people. We give up unnecessary guilt, experience more peace, and feel increased self-acceptance.  We are more tolerant of ourselves and less susceptible to emotional burnout. We learn to appropriately love and forgive ourselves and others. Amazingly, we find more pleasure in our accomplishments even if we don’t have gold medals around our necks.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage family, and individual counselor and has a private practice in Washington city. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web at DrDavidCooombs.com.