Key Points from a Marriage Enrichment Presentation
                                                   Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFC

    Because most people will not attend a marriage enrichment seminar, even though it would be wonderful if they could, couples may be interested in a short taste of one. Recently, Cliff Farnsworth. LCSW, Southwest Trainer for Utah Foster Care, conducted such a seminar that was well received by couples eager to improve the quality of their relationships. This article is a composite of notes taken at the presentation along with thoughts generated by the discussion that followed. Here are a few highlights.
    One of the top predictors for a successful marriage is husbands’ being agreeable. When husbands most often agree with their wives’ comments, ideas, or suggestions, the wives feel supported and validated which does marvelous things for women’s self-esteem and, even better, for their love for their husbands.
    Other top predictors for successful marriages include faith in God, emotional maturity, sufficient training and education to be gainfully employed, and freedom from addictions.
    Humor strengthens and builds healthy relationships. We need daily smiles, chuckles, and hearty laughs. One wife said, “My husband’s humor is so corny. He used to be a scout master, and I think he gets all his jokes out of Boy’s Life, but he still makes me smile.”
    A couple slid off the freeway, careened twenty feet into a barrow pit, and smashed into a tree, totaling their vehicle but hurting no one. The wife turned to her husband and said, “Wow, Honey! Now we get to have a new van.” She could have scolded her husband, called him names, and let him know he was driving too fast. But criticism never works; humor does and often defuses tense situations.
    Someone suggested that when we go into a marriage, we should do so with our eyes wide open and afterwards keep them half closed. While  opposites may attract, such couples will have more differences to negotiate which makes their marriages more challenging—but not impossible. Having as many things in common as possible makes the path smoother. Yet, all couples will have differences to resolve. Farnsworth referred to research showing that 67% of marital differences are never resolved, yet those marriages remain successful when partners make accommodations, are flexible, and learn to to live with the differences. For example, one wife shared that her husband does not celebrate Valentine’s Day but shows his love in other great ways; she accepts that.
    Farnsworth quoted freely from John Gottman’s book, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” (particularly from pages 72-95) wherein Gottman identified four patterns of communication that often destroy marriages: “1.Criticism: Attacking someone’s personality or character. . . usually with blame. 2. Contempt: Insulting or demeaning the spouse; indicating by words or actions that one believes the spouse to be ‘stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool.’ 3. Responding defensively to complaints, criticism, or contempt by making excuses, denying, arguing, whining, or counter-blaming rather than trying to solve the problem. 4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing physically or emotionally from the relationship when disagreements occur, becoming like a stone wall.” These negative patterns can change if couples want to improve their marriages. They are bad habits and should not be labeled as “just the way I am.”
    The question was asked: “Which is more important? Love or commitment?” The answer was commitment! There may be times when out of neglect or foolish mistakes, couples’ feelings of love fade away. They stay together because they made covenants to each other. The loving feelings return by partners doing loving behaviors such as extending the gift of forgiveness and performing acts of kindness. As people continue to go through the motions that loving couples normally do, the love returns.
    Love is a feeling, and it is also a choice. Consider doing the following: 1. Pray individually for your spouse and pray as a couple each day. 2. Always kiss good-bye and hello. (Research indicates that kissing for six seconds will ensure that the spouse remembers the kiss actually happened.) 3. Call/text/email at least once daily. 4. Have at least 5 minutes uninterrupted conversations in which you give each other undivided attention. 5. Hug for at least 30 seconds once each day.
    Successful marriages don’t just happen. They require significant effort and time. Couples need time together daily; they need weekly dates. Couples need min-moons (short honey moons) in which they get away from jobs, children, and the house for at least one or two nights every six months. Leave children in the loving care of others.
    Intimacy is a constant and needs to be mutually enjoyed on a regular basis. All couples determine a rhythm that works best for them. A healthy understanding of sexuality, not poisoned by pornography, is essential. Daily non-sexual contact-comfort such as caresses, holding hands, brushes across the cheek or arm, sliding fingers through hair, tickling backs, rubbing sore feet, keeps spouses emotionally connected with one another.
    Couples make financial investments in hopes of significant returns. They make significant investments in the maintenance of their cars and homes and yards. They work hard in their careers and look forward to successful retirements. Yet, the most important investment they will ever make is in their marriages. No other success can compare to the success couples create in their homes with each other and their children. Remember, if only one partner improves their behavior, that has significant impact on the marriage.
    Thank you, Cliff Farnsworth, for a wonderful evening.