Improving Communication With Others

                                                       Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

How in the world are two people ever going to communicate if both of them are angry, both are demanding to be heard, and yet neither one is listening? And no empathy! Angry people are rarely open to insight and generally feel they have been victimized; they think they have every right to lash out regardless of the consequences. The natural inclination of the recipient of these rude blasts is to be offended and to bark back. And the war is on. Feelings are hurt and the damage is done. 

There is a better way to resolve differences. We don’t have to be so touchy and so ready to take offense. The prices are too high to allow ourselves to feel we have the right to hurt other people. Just because we think or feel a certain way doesn’t mean we have the right to express it. We can use a little discipline and say what we need to say without damaging our relationships by spewing forth acidic accusations. 

Therefore, if we are upset, we need to stop, calm down, give others the benefit of the doubt, and refuse to think the worst. Others may have a perfectly good explanation for deeds that appear questionable; give them the chance to express themselves.  Anger is a destructive emotion. It is a poor choice and damages relationships. It is better to take the high road, turn the other cheek, go the extra mile; that means we allow ourselves to be inconvenienced for the sake of maintaining peace and avoiding contention. We pay high prices when we lose our patience and are quick to find fault. 

When we are confronted by an angry person, particularly our friend, colleague, or sweetheart, (but for the moment our intimate enemy), our duty and best choice is to agree quickly and employ the power of empathy. 

You show empathy when you, as the recipient of another’s anger, sincerely want to understand what they are so upset about, and you are careful not to demean or to discount or to criticize or to offer advice. You may not agree with the charges leveled against you, but you at least want your angry friend to know that you are trying to understand. It takes a strong person to allow someone’s anger to blow right past without taking offense. Nevertheless, that is exactly what is being asked. 

Empathic listening is a gift that is worth the effort to develop and yes, it does take practice. It follows the old adage, “If you want to be understood first try to understand.” After your angry friend has finished venting, you can ask questions to assure you have the full picture. See if you can respond by paraphrasing their feelings in your own words; try to capture and mirror the reasons for their anger.

When the angry person feels understood, you can respond with something like: “I think I know how you feel. You feel thus and so for these reasons.”  You continue with as much empathy as you can muster while describing what the other is feeling and why.  As you continue empathic listening, your hope is your friend will say, “Yes, that is how I feel.” They may even say, “It means so much to me when you sincerely listen to me without interrupting and not being critical or defensive or thinking I am being stupid. You really do understand me.”

Once people feel understood, their anger is defused. They are able to calm down and are ready to hear the explanation for the questionable behavior at hand. By using the power of empathy, people are empowered to be better problem solvers. They are willing to get on the same side of the issue instead of attacking; they focus on how to solve the problem.

If appropriate, be quick to apologize even if you are only partially at fault. Don’t be afraid to say, “Now that I better understand how you see things, I can appreciate why you are so hurt. I am sorry. I owe you an apology.” By doing this you are taking the high road and at the same time you are courageously making yourself vulnerable for more abuse. The other person may still be in their anger mode and say, “It is about time you apologized, you dirty rotten rat.” If this happens, as hard as this may be, you will still be better able to save your relationship if you stay in the empathic listeners mode until they can see that you really are not their enemy but their friend. If they do not want to respond to all your efforts to reconcile, then you have the assurance you have done all you can do. If they insist on holding on to their anger, then leave the situation but continue to love them and to pray for them. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 4:44).

You may be thinking, “Does this really work? “Yes!” Do people really talk this way?” Not very often. But in critical moments, doing so makes all the difference. All of us have differences and need to practice using empathy when disagreements arise. Once both feel understood, the differences still need to be resolved. What if you were the person being attacked and you were guilty of something that was offensive, could you take ownership and admit your error?  Hopefully you could say, “You have a right to be upset. What I did was wrong. I apologize for my thoughtless behavior.”

If there is a problem that needs resolving, then after hearing each other out, you can then ask, “How can we resolve this so both of us can feel good about it?” A compromise may be worked out, or one may say, “I can see it would be best to follow your suggestion.” What a lovely gift that can be!

Another communication pattern that can be irritating if not devastating, is when you make statements or express ideas that others feel the need to point out as inaccurate. They may quibble with you over slight details. While there may be exceptions to everything, it is frustrating to make statements only to have them demeaned, put down, or discounted. We all like to be validated, given approval, or to have others be supportive of us. It is frustrating to have our ideas contradicted often by our spouse or good friend, particularly in front of others. It is less important to be right and more important that we be the guardian of each other’s self-esteem. 

Another pattern that often gets in the way of good communication is when we are told in an accusatory tone that we are “always ” doing something or “never” do anything right. This all-or-nothing approach is sure to bring an unpleasant response and quarrels are bound to follow. Those accused will want to defend themselves and give examples that prove that the accusations against them are not true such as, “Wait a minute, that is not true. Remember when I did thus and so. So it is not true that I always do that or never do that. What about the times you . . .” The current issue is lost amidst a war of words. Good communication is the art of saying what you need to say while still being sensitive to the feelings of others.

The underlying issue in developing good communication is not only what is being said but how it is said. Sarcasm is very biting and destructive.  The motive behind sarcasm is to demean. The Savior commanded the Nephites to allow “no disputations among them,” that “the spirit of contention is of the devil” and “such things must be done away . . . that whosoever is angry . . . “is in danger of hell fire” (III Nephi 11:29-30; 12:22). 

  What a world of difference is found when we approach each other with a sincere desire to communicate, to problem solve, to find solutions to our differences. When there is trust and we truly care about people, then we find others approachable and easy to talk to; conversations move along nicely. Others may not know all the right words or may not say things in just the right way, but because we feel of their goodness we are forgiving and even try to assist in helping them make their point.  We also feel emotionally safe in their presence to bring up any and all issues that need to be discussed. 

There is another tip that will improve communication. When we are sitting close enough to touch there is no need to yell. When we are talking softly, we find truth in Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turneth away wrath.”

Books describing people’s near-death experiences and their visits to the next life often mention that communication there is not with words that are spoken out loud but by thought to thought that can be readily understood. There is no hiding what you really feel. You know as you are known. There is very little chance of being mis-understood. We are better communicators and listeners when we are real, genuine, and congruent. No false fronts. No thinking one thing but saying something quite the opposite. How would it be if we could be that honest and transparent in this life?

Good communication is vital to the quality of all our relationships and this is particularly true in marriage. Dr. Carlfred Broderick, In a scholarly text book on marriage, Couples, begins with an insightful and truthful first line, “A good marriage is the result of two people learning the art of simply being kind to each other.”  Kind people are good communicators.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual therapist with a private practice in Washington, UT. He and his wife, Marva, write articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web to www.DrDavidCoombs.com.