Would Your Children Say They Came from a Fun Family?

                                              Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D, MFT

       An old adage claims that families that pray together stay together, and it is also true that when families play together they also stay together. Those families that frequently enjoy fun times together create a special bond that keeps them friends throughout their lives.

       I interviewed many people, adults and children, and asked one question: What made or makes your family fun? Here are some of the responses.

1. We eat breakfast and dinner together and talk about our day and what is going on in our lives. 
2. We sing songs together around the piano while mom plays.
3. We enjoy fun vacations that include family reunions.
4. One time my parents told us at breakfast that we were not going to school that day because we were going to go to Disneyland just as soon as the house was clean. What a surprise! We all whooped and hollered as we scattered like crazy to see how fast we could get our chores done. 
5. We had spur of the moment activities when mom would say, “Let’s go for a walk on the beach,” but added, “No need to bring your suits because you’re not getting wet, it’s too cold today.” Well, we always got wet as we raced the waves up the shore and lost. We loved it. Mom only laughed. But if we complained about being cold, we got no sympathy.
6. We have fun playing basketball on the driveway with the whole family, including mom and dad.
7. Our whole family, not just mom or dad, support each other when someone is in a play, athletic event, concert, award ceremony, etc. My brothers and sisters are my best friends.
8. Mom sometimes shouts spontaneous announcements on Saturday morning such as when we get our chores done, we will go to the park and afterwards get ice cream cones. 
9. Camping in the mountains or at the beach were highlights in our family.
10. Our dad makes cookies on Sunday afternoons or brings out a hidden box of See’s chocolates. While we eat, we plan our week.
11. We often played silly games around the table like Spoons. Sometimes  we turned all the lights off and pulled the drapes and played dark hide-and-seek with flashlights. 
12. I’ll never forget our weeks at Aspen Grove and our hikes to the top of Mount Timpanogos. 
13. I  have fond memories of those weeks we spent in Park City.
14. I remember family trips to the movies.
15. My life was changed when my parents took us on a Super vacation that included a trip to Washington DC, an American history tour through Boston, an LDS church History tour from Vermont to Illinois that included the Palmyra Pageant in New York. 
16. Not all of our Family Home Evenings were great, but we had a message, a game, family prayer and a treat. I don’t remember the lessons, but I do remember the warm feeling of being with family.
17. I loved our camping trip to Yosemite and to the giant Redwoods.
18. On long car rides, we play the Alphabet game, the beaver game, and sing songs. Dad likes to point out the “hysterical” markers (Historical) and tell us silly stories of when he was the captain of a submarine, and we were the crew with other little children. 
19. I like it when Dad reads stories to us as we cuddle together on the couch.
20. When Dad was busy, Mom would courageously take us girls for a campout on the beach.
21. I liked the times our family would get ice-cream cones and window-shop the stores in the mall. One time we ended up at a See’s Candy store.
22. Dad and Mom have monthly private interviews with us to discuss any of our personal concerns. One time I was brave enough to ask Dad for a raise in my allowance. I knew I was his favorite, so I knew he probably would say yes. Strange, I found out later that my siblings felt the same way and we all got raises.
23. My parents say “yes” to most of my requests, so when they say “no,” I know they really mean it. I like that my parents don’t believe in grounding. My friends think my parents are the best.
24. I like it when my dad and I play ball or toss a frisbee and talk.
25. Our family is into running and biking and we have fun together.

     To have a fun family doesn’t require expensive trips or outings, as exciting as they may be. The key is to frequently take time to do something fun.

Dr. Coombs is in private practice as a licensed marriage, family, and individual therapist in Washington City. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                                           The challenges of step-parenting

                                                         Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

       Not many life experiences challenge couples more than trying to blend families together with children still in the home. Step-parents have a tough job, and step-mothers have even the hardest time because they spend more time with the kids. They are often given the most responsibility but have less power and appreciation, and they are often unfairly resented. While we have all heard of wicked step-mothers, most step-mothers work hard at a very difficult task. 

       Many things can sink a second marriage; the financial, emotional, psychological, and spiritual components of parenting children who can seem to have come from another world is daunting. All family members feel as if they’re walking through an emotional mine-field blindfolded. No wonder the divorce rate is 20% higher in second marriages with children in the home than in first marriages with no kids.  

       Understandably, life is easier if just husbands and wives are negotiating a new marriage. When couples add children, ex-spouses, and extended families they require several years to blend together. It takes time to successfully navigate the differing traditions of christmas, thanksgiving, summer vacation, weddings, birthdays, etc.

       Couples contemplating marrying and bringing together children from two or more families may want to date for an extended time. Some professionals suggest they not commit to marry until they have dated three years. Most couples should date at least a year before marriage, but when blending families, and building new relationships, it may take longer. Many of the dating activities should be with the children. Disaster can follow when couples rush into marriage involving more than just the two of them. It is quite a challenge to meet the needs of spouse and children who all compete for attention. 

       In blending families, the marriage is first priority. Spouses need to carve out time from every day to talk, to share feelings, to plan, and to organize their lives both with and without their children. Couples need weekly dates alone and mini-moons away (short honeymoons of at least one overnight every six months). Let the children feel the power of the love and devotion couples have for each other for it is the glue that bonds the entire family.

       Because it takes years for families to blend, patience is the big watchword. One father expressed his frustration at trying to relate to his new step-daughter in a meaningful way.  He was ready to give up when he was asked how long he had been working his plan to get close to her.  He answered, “Three months.” Remember, it takes longer than that to get used to a new baby, so couples should expect to spend more time and patience than three months to develop relationships, especially with older children.  Some families seem to do well in three years; others take longer.

       Consider the problems that come from the emotional pain family members carry from divorces, from betrayal, and from broken promises in old relationships that can be inflicted on new relationships. Think what difficult paths the children have traveled through broken trust, feelings of abandonment and more. Children come to the new family with different expectations, traditions, and schedules including bed times, chore expectations, eating habits, and so forth. The two families of origin are often poles apart. However, there is hope and help; step-parents don’t have to go down this path alone.

       Unfortunately, many couples who are struggling with the overwhelming task of blending families have never read a book on step-parenting nor attended a support group for step--parents nor talked to a professional therapist. One book couples may consider is Ron Deal’s The Smart Step-Family. Couples will learn that the most important aspect of step-parenting is the quality of the marriage. Building a strong and lasting marriage requires significant effort and gives couples the necessary power to be successful in their parenting. 

       The strength of the marriage is only as strong as the depth of the covenant that both partners make to each others’ happiness. There must be absolute fidelity; they will not allow feelings for anyone else to interfere or be a threat to the loyalty they have to each other. This also means that they will not give any preference to past partners or spouses or give allegiance to other family members or to anyone else. Assurances must be given to the new spouse of being first priority.

       Respect and listening are essential as well as letting go of minor annoyances, having a ton of patience, love, and a  ready sense of humor. Laughing at trying to do what seems to be impossible feels better than crying or exploding into tantrums to get others to listen and obey.

Not enough can be said about mom and dad being united and working together as a team. It doesn’t work for parents to have different rules or play different roles in which one is the heavy and the other is the nice guy. Couples must talk and agree on a policy and back each other up. They must not let kids divide and pit one parent against the other. There may be times when a response to a child’s request will have to be postponed till there is time for mom and dad to confer with each other.

       When disciplining the kids, avoid a heavy hand, sarcasm, name calling. In particular, avoid grounding which, in the end, also punishes the parents and creates serious tension in the home. Not every infraction requires punishment when a simple apology will do. This works both ways.

Do something fun with your children on a regular basis. It doesn’t have to be a huge affair or cost a lot of money. It could be as simple as going to the park and getting ice cream cones after. Play board games, play basketball in the driveway, or go for hikes. It is not so important what you do, but it is important you do something fun. Families bond when they are laughing and having fun together.

       Criticism and coarse language is poison. Consider that every unkind statement requires five positive exchanges to erase the pain. When couples experience differences, talking while being physically close enough to touch helps them avoid yelling. Listen to each other with empathy. Be aware of opportunities for ways to give each other compliments, praise, and expressions of appreciation. Frequently acknowledge the kind and thoughtful acts done for each other. Delight in your privilege of touching each other tenderly, giving bear hugs, sweet kisses, and ample sexual activity. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Rarely say no to each other when invited to enjoy intimacy. Those who say, “I’m too tired tonight,” cheat themselves as well as their partners when, in fact, by responding readily, both will actually sleep better. This one bit of counsel alone will result in huge benefits for marriages.

       In addition to talking with friends who seem to be doing well at blending their families, reading books and enlisting professional help, they would do well to seek divine assistance.  A solid spiritual base gives couples strength on which to build a happy family. One of the best things for blending families is to affiliate with a church that has a successful youth program and that offers classes in strengthening marriage and family. Attending church as a family may be the very key to enjoying success. Parents need all the help and support they can get.  

       Remember, we can do hard things, and the many couples who have successfully blended their families together will testify, “It’s worth it.”

(Dr. Coombs is in private practice as a licensed marriage, family, and individual therapist in Washington City. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web DrDavidCoombs.com.)

                                                      Developing a Healthy Self-Esteem 

                                                     Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

       For my doctoral dissertation, I studied self-esteem. I wanted to know how we develop self-confidence and how we learn to feel good about ourselves. If people lack confidence, how do they get it? I learned golden nuggets of truth that, when applied, help us feel good about ourselves.

       First, all of us have suffered from low self-esteem to one degree or another at one time or another. No one feels completely adequate or approved of all the time. We cannot expect universal approval; we must face the fact that not every one is going to like us, and we are not always going to succeed; but that is OK. We see others fail and we still like them; on the other hand, there are people we don’t particularly care for, so why  should we expect everyone to like us?

       Second, we can change our self-esteem. We don’t have to feel locked into thinking and feeling a certain way about ourselves. Change occurs when we decide to change. We begin by bringing our behavior in line with our values. Persons who carry heavy burdens of guilt and shame do not feel good about themselves until they live in harmony with what they know to be right.

       Third, self-esteem is effected by experiences we had as children. Those who were abused, discounted, frequently criticized, or abandoned often feel of little worth. Because of our experiences growing up, all of us have running conversations with ourselves that could be self-defeating. If our parents or significant others were harsh and critical, then we will likely talk to ourselves that same way.

       Fourth, we can change our negative self talk. In fact, if we are to change the way we feel about ourselves, we must change the way we talk to ourselves. Learning the language of self-support is likened to the process of re-parenting ourselves. We must lovingly discipline, kindly correct, constantly support, and quickly forgive ourselves. For example, when we experience a severe disappointment or trauma and are left feeling inadequate and powerless, we must use the power of positive self talk and not label ourselves as failures or losers. For example, we can tell ourselves things such as: “I know I’m not free from making mistakes or having problems or experiencing challenges or facing difficulties, but I am free to choose how I respond to them. I can do hard things. I am a good problem solver. With the Lord’s help, I will overcome all things and move on.”

       Fifth, many of us were taught that it was prideful and wrong to say nice things to ourselves. We were warned not to “get a big head.” While we do not want to brag, it is imperative that we educate our feelings by reminding ourselves (not others) of our qualities, virtues, and strengths. If we wait for others to compliment and praise us so we can feel good about ourselves, we are most likely too dependent on others. Additionally, too many times, when people are positive and do say nice things to us, we may discount their compliments out of fear that if people really knew us, they wouldn’t say those nice things. To feel good about ourselves, we need to not only graciously accept positive feedback but also practice believing it. Remember, a simple “thank you” is the best response to praise.

       Sixth, when we compare ourselves with others so that we assume ourselves to be woefully lacking, our self-esteem suffers. When we envy others for their wealth, position, good looks, and so forth, we find it difficult to accept ourselves just as we are. While we all make these comparisons, they do not serve us well. So let’s stop it!

       Seventh, we can challenge ourselves to move out of our comfort zone and courageously take steps to do those things we have always wanted to do, but didn’t do, because we were afraid of failing. We must acknowledge our fears and then move forward. Life is no fun if we always play it safe. As we learn to boldly face our fears, we find that most fears are mythical and that we can do more than we ever thought we could. Success breeds success and builds self-confidence.

       Eighth, curiously, as we have been discussing what we can do to better love ourselves, it may seem a contradiction to mention how important it is that we forget ourselves and think more of what we can do for others. Losing ourselves in the service of others is rewarding, and we may find there is more of ourselves to like when we bless others.

       As we learn to accept the truths in the compliments we give to ourselves and those we receive from others, to acknowledge our strengths and talents, to develop positive self talk, to be more forgiving of our own humanity, to humbly think more of others, we may actually enjoy living the lives we are living and doing the things we are doing. We may find ourselves saying, “It’s nice being me; I enjoy life, most of the time, I like who I am.” Being able to do so defines a person who enjoys a healthy self-esteem.

Dr. Coombs is in private practice as a licensed marriage, family, and individual therapist in Washington City. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                                 Once Lost, Can You Get the Love Back?

Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D, MFT

       After going through contentious periods, some married couples wonder if they ever can get the love back. Unfortunately, when couples hit these love-dry spells, some see divorce as the inevitable, only choice. Some choose a brief period of separation for a few days or weeks, and that  may be helpful; however, separation can be damaging if it last too long.

      During difficult times, some spouses may find other people more desirable than their mates, and their marital covenants may seem unimportant. Having an emotional or even a sexual affair may look appealing. In the heat of passion, persons justify infidelity and blame their immoral behavior on circumstances or on their spouses who they claim are not meeting their needs. Those who go down the road of infidelity will inevitably regret it and will experience negative consequences which will painfully effect the lives of many other people. 

       Unfaithfulness could lead to expensive, painful, messy divorces which will have destructive ripple effects for not only their partners but also for their children and for their grandchildren. Society as a whole suffers from broken homes. Most divorces are the result of people’s selfishness, of their seeking immediate solutions, or their wanting a quick fix without regard to how their behavior impacts many other people. 

       But once the love is gone, is there any hope of saving the marriage?

The answer is a resounding yes! Even if there has been betrayal and infidelity? Yes! For those who are in marriages involving physical violence or serious emotional abuse, divorce may be necessary. But even with serious problems, some couples can work things out without divorce. Most, if not all, marriages have serious bumps in their matrimonial roads that require companions to forgive, reassess, and recommit. To be forgiven of our own marital sins, we must also forgive our partners. When we give forgiveness, we give a gift to ourselves. Holding onto anger is like taking poison in hopes it will harm someone else. Forgiveness is both an event and, in most cases, a lengthy process, but the healing it brings is especially sweet and well worth the effort.

       Research conducted with couples who were seriously considering divorce but who decided to recommit to their relationships is revealing. Five years later, the vast majority of these couples stated they were very glad they did not divorce and claimed their marriages were better than they had ever been before. Even in those marriages in which one partner was more committed to the marriage than the other, many said their persistence made a big difference. They eventually were able to convince their reluctant partners to recommit to making their marriages work. (The Case for Marriage, Waite and Gallagher, 148)

       How did those in troubled marriages turn things around? They began by calling the war off. They realized that to get the love back they had to stop quarreling and call a truce. They had to choose to do loving behaviors even though at first they felt they were just going through the motions. But that is the very key. They chose to go through the motions of courting each other with the promise that in time they would again love one another. Love was and is a daily decision.

       However, sometimes love is like the ocean when the tide is out; the strong romantic feelings are not there. But when the tide comes back in, couples recapture the love. The fact that couples made serious covenants to “have and to hold” during times of “sickness and health” plays a major role in their decisions to forgive, stay together, and work things out. Their motivation increases when they realize they owe it to their children to stay in the marriage. While love is important, couples’ marital commitments give them power to re-kindle their love.

       Some may need the assistance of licensed marriage counselors. Some say they can’t afford the cost of therapy; however, therapy is better and cheaper than going through the pain of a nasty and expensive divorce. As stated above, divorce is even worse when children are involved. Couples often get into contentious debates regarding custody and visitation rights that can go on for years after divorces are final. 

       Furthermore, studies have shown that divorce doesn’t eliminate negative characteristics that are most often carried into the next marriage and then the next. Divorce rates are higher for subsequent marriages because people fail to eliminate the damaging traits that existed in the first. While couples must work hard to solve conflicts, correct bad habits, and be dedicated to each other, getting the love back may be easier than divorce and best for all concerned.

Dr. Coombs is in private practice as a licensed marriage, family and individual therapist in Washington City. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or email drdavidcoombs@gmail.com or on the web www.DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                An LDS Perspective on Human Intimacy

Dr. David H. Coombs, Marriage and Family Counselor, and Marva J. Coombs

     The misuse of sexual passion causes significant heartaches. When we cross sensitive lines, we do so at a high price.  Yet, when kept and expressed within the bounds the Lord has set, our sexuality "is a sacred and significant power...this power is good...it is the very key to our happiness"  (Boyd K. Packer, Conference Report, April 1972,136).

     As Latter-day Saints, we view sexuality as an eternal gift not limited to mortality.  Brigham Young taught there is one eternal law of procreation and that God "created man, as we create our children" (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11 p. 122).  President Joseph F. Smith taught the same when he said, "Christ the Savior was born of woman and God, the Father, was born of woman. Adam, our earthly parent, was also born of woman into this world, the same as Jesus and you and I" (Deseret Evening News, Dec. 27, 1913, Sec. Ill, 7).  We are, in the most literal sense, children of God; we are of the same race as the Gods.

     These sacred powers continue in the resurrection for those who marry worthily in the temple and thus qualify for the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom (Doctrine and Covenants 132:19). In effect, our Heavenly Parents have said to us in mortality: We will grant unto you the sacred power to have offspring that you may become partners with us to be co-creators of life.  If you mis-use these sacred powers and fail to repent of their mis-use, then you will be resurrected to a lesser degree of glory and you will not have these powers restored to you; they shall be taken away.  But, if you abide in our work, marry according to the priesthood and exercise these powers of procreation in righteousness, then in the resurrection you shall have them restored to you. You shall then possess the key to having eternal offspring and become as we are.

     We can see why Satan wants to do all he can to degrade this sacred power. Most everything vulgar refers to sexuality.  Satan does not have a body, therefore, does not enjoy the gift of sexuality.  He does all he can to get us to mis-use our sexual powers.  He then succeeds in keeping us from obtaining our goal of becoming heavenly parents, unless we repent.

     Amazingly, in his opening address of the April 1974 General Conference, President Spencer W. Kimball, in his desire to teach that sex is not just for having babies, quoted Billy Graham as follows: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of the kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His command to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply’” (Reader’s Digest, May 1970, 118).

     As stated above, sexual intimacy has two purposes, thus husbands and wives are encouraged to enjoy intimacy throughout their lives.  During child-bearing years, couples will appropriately want to use contraceptives in order to wisely space their children.  Without contraceptives, some couples could have babies every year.  Abstinence during the wife’s fertile period is a form of birth control, but it has side effects: it puts stress on couples’ relationships, and because women’s cycles are not consistent, couples can experience unexpected pregnancies.    

     Many couples question how many children they should have; this is a private issue that is resolved between the Lord and them alone.  Some LDS couples feel they  should have as many children as  health and circumstances permit.  The Psalmist stated:  “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord. . .happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them” (Psalms 127:3-5).  Nevertheless, the size of the family is the couples’ decision.

     Sexual intimacy legitimately belongs only to those who have made marital covenants.  The command “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14) still exists.  The Ten Commandments have not been revoked.  As Cecil B. DeMille said, “We cannot break the Ten Commandments.  We can only break ourselves against them” (Old Testament Student Manual, 1981,127). 

     Sexual sin has serious consequences.  The world portrays sexual promiscuity and recreational sex as normal and without prices or negative consequences. Those who accept this argument live in denial and will ultimately face prices such as heart break, single parenting, guilt, shame, disease, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, divorce, break-up of families, financial devastation, and the broken hearts of children. These are heavy prices. 

     Sexual purity (abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage) can be achieved and is well worth all efforts.  To those who have mis-used their sexuality, the Lord offers complete forgiveness upon sincere repentance.

Once married, does anything go in the bedroom?  No!  Anything that offends the sensitivities of either spouse is not worth it. In regards to frequency, intimacy could occur too often or too little. Each couple has to negotiate the frequency and timing that works best for both of them in an environment of mutual respect that allows both to feel loved and adored. 

     Some want to introduce pornography into their love making with the mistaken idea that it can be used to increase passion.  Pornography is poison under any circumstances. It pollutes normal expectations and effects trust in the relationship. 

     What about the use of vibrators? Vibrators can be useful to help some who cannot achieve orgasm easily or for couples who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have intercourse. For some, intercourse is painful without the aid of lubricants. 

     Those who have had negative teachings or painful experiences regarding their sexuality may question that sex is meant to be enjoyed.  Note what one LDS woman said: “Sex should be sacred and a source of intense enjoyment. . . a complete union of husband and wife. . .But it is to be more than pleasure.  We respect our bodies.  The body is the temple of the spirit.   But God created us to be sexual.  I enjoy sex.  It makes me happy” (Independent, Press-Telegram, Long Beach, CA, July 19, 1975 A10).  Good books, counseling, and consulting physicians can help those with physical or psychological issues that prevent sexual enjoyment. 

     Men and women approach love making differently and are sexually aroused differently.  LDS women should never be guilty of saying anything such as: “You know how men are.” or “He only has one thing on his mind.”   We were created differently so we will work at learning to make one another happy.

Because of the bond our love-making creates in our marriages, learning to pleasure one another is worth working for.  Remember, “This power is good. . . it is the very key to our happiness” (Ibid, Packer). 

                                                Improving Communication With Others

                                                       Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

How in the world are two people ever going to communicate if both of them are angry, both are demanding to be heard, and yet neither one is listening? And no empathy! Angry people are rarely open to insight and generally feel they have been victimized; they think they have every right to lash out regardless of the consequences. The natural inclination of the recipient of these rude blasts is to be offended and to bark back. And the war is on. Feelings are hurt and the damage is done. 

There is a better way to resolve differences. We don’t have to be so touchy and so ready to take offense. The prices are too high to allow ourselves to feel we have the right to hurt other people. Just because we think or feel a certain way doesn’t mean we have the right to express it. We can use a little discipline and say what we need to say without damaging our relationships by spewing forth acidic accusations. 

Therefore, if we are upset, we need to stop, calm down, give others the benefit of the doubt, and refuse to think the worst. Others may have a perfectly good explanation for deeds that appear questionable; give them the chance to express themselves.  Anger is a destructive emotion. It is a poor choice and damages relationships. It is better to take the high road, turn the other cheek, go the extra mile; that means we allow ourselves to be inconvenienced for the sake of maintaining peace and avoiding contention. We pay high prices when we lose our patience and are quick to find fault. 

When we are confronted by an angry person, particularly our friend, colleague, or sweetheart, (but for the moment our intimate enemy), our duty and best choice is to agree quickly and employ the power of empathy. 

You show empathy when you, as the recipient of another’s anger, sincerely want to understand what they are so upset about, and you are careful not to demean or to discount or to criticize or to offer advice. You may not agree with the charges leveled against you, but you at least want your angry friend to know that you are trying to understand. It takes a strong person to allow someone’s anger to blow right past without taking offense. Nevertheless, that is exactly what is being asked. 

Empathic listening is a gift that is worth the effort to develop and yes, it does take practice. It follows the old adage, “If you want to be understood first try to understand.” After your angry friend has finished venting, you can ask questions to assure you have the full picture. See if you can respond by paraphrasing their feelings in your own words; try to capture and mirror the reasons for their anger.

When the angry person feels understood, you can respond with something like: “I think I know how you feel. You feel thus and so for these reasons.”  You continue with as much empathy as you can muster while describing what the other is feeling and why.  As you continue empathic listening, your hope is your friend will say, “Yes, that is how I feel.” They may even say, “It means so much to me when you sincerely listen to me without interrupting and not being critical or defensive or thinking I am being stupid. You really do understand me.”

Once people feel understood, their anger is defused. They are able to calm down and are ready to hear the explanation for the questionable behavior at hand. By using the power of empathy, people are empowered to be better problem solvers. They are willing to get on the same side of the issue instead of attacking; they focus on how to solve the problem.

If appropriate, be quick to apologize even if you are only partially at fault. Don’t be afraid to say, “Now that I better understand how you see things, I can appreciate why you are so hurt. I am sorry. I owe you an apology.” By doing this you are taking the high road and at the same time you are courageously making yourself vulnerable for more abuse. The other person may still be in their anger mode and say, “It is about time you apologized, you dirty rotten rat.” If this happens, as hard as this may be, you will still be better able to save your relationship if you stay in the empathic listeners mode until they can see that you really are not their enemy but their friend. If they do not want to respond to all your efforts to reconcile, then you have the assurance you have done all you can do. If they insist on holding on to their anger, then leave the situation but continue to love them and to pray for them. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 4:44).

You may be thinking, “Does this really work? “Yes!” Do people really talk this way?” Not very often. But in critical moments, doing so makes all the difference. All of us have differences and need to practice using empathy when disagreements arise. Once both feel understood, the differences still need to be resolved. What if you were the person being attacked and you were guilty of something that was offensive, could you take ownership and admit your error?  Hopefully you could say, “You have a right to be upset. What I did was wrong. I apologize for my thoughtless behavior.”

If there is a problem that needs resolving, then after hearing each other out, you can then ask, “How can we resolve this so both of us can feel good about it?” A compromise may be worked out, or one may say, “I can see it would be best to follow your suggestion.” What a lovely gift that can be!

Another communication pattern that can be irritating if not devastating, is when you make statements or express ideas that others feel the need to point out as inaccurate. They may quibble with you over slight details. While there may be exceptions to everything, it is frustrating to make statements only to have them demeaned, put down, or discounted. We all like to be validated, given approval, or to have others be supportive of us. It is frustrating to have our ideas contradicted often by our spouse or good friend, particularly in front of others. It is less important to be right and more important that we be the guardian of each other’s self-esteem. 

Another pattern that often gets in the way of good communication is when we are told in an accusatory tone that we are “always ” doing something or “never” do anything right. This all-or-nothing approach is sure to bring an unpleasant response and quarrels are bound to follow. Those accused will want to defend themselves and give examples that prove that the accusations against them are not true such as, “Wait a minute, that is not true. Remember when I did thus and so. So it is not true that I always do that or never do that. What about the times you . . .” The current issue is lost amidst a war of words. Good communication is the art of saying what you need to say while still being sensitive to the feelings of others.

The underlying issue in developing good communication is not only what is being said but how it is said. Sarcasm is very biting and destructive.  The motive behind sarcasm is to demean. The Savior commanded the Nephites to allow “no disputations among them,” that “the spirit of contention is of the devil” and “such things must be done away . . . that whosoever is angry . . . “is in danger of hell fire” (III Nephi 11:29-30; 12:22). 

  What a world of difference is found when we approach each other with a sincere desire to communicate, to problem solve, to find solutions to our differences. When there is trust and we truly care about people, then we find others approachable and easy to talk to; conversations move along nicely. Others may not know all the right words or may not say things in just the right way, but because we feel of their goodness we are forgiving and even try to assist in helping them make their point.  We also feel emotionally safe in their presence to bring up any and all issues that need to be discussed. 

There is another tip that will improve communication. When we are sitting close enough to touch there is no need to yell. When we are talking softly, we find truth in Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turneth away wrath.”

Books describing people’s near-death experiences and their visits to the next life often mention that communication there is not with words that are spoken out loud but by thought to thought that can be readily understood. There is no hiding what you really feel. You know as you are known. There is very little chance of being mis-understood. We are better communicators and listeners when we are real, genuine, and congruent. No false fronts. No thinking one thing but saying something quite the opposite. How would it be if we could be that honest and transparent in this life?

Good communication is vital to the quality of all our relationships and this is particularly true in marriage. Dr. Carlfred Broderick, In a scholarly text book on marriage, Couples, begins with an insightful and truthful first line, “A good marriage is the result of two people learning the art of simply being kind to each other.”  Kind people are good communicators.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual therapist with a private practice in Washington, UT. He and his wife, Marva, write articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web to www.DrDavidCoombs.com.