Many Divorces Are Unnecessary

by David and Marva Coombs

     A woman in an imperfect 20-year-old marriage counseled with me as her therapist as she struggled with the decision to divorce.  She was sad and lonely.  She had made valiant efforts to re-vitalize her marriage, but nothing worked.  She felt rebuffed, rejected, and angry for her husband’s lack of response.

     Yet, her husband was not terribly mean or cruel.  He took passive delight in their four children, but he left the parenting up to her.  He had a very successful career which was his life. He was a good provider, and they lived comfortably. 

     She wanted an emotional and spiritual connection.  She wanted romance and excitement, but he wasn’t interested.  

     The wife wanted them both to be actively involved in church activities, to attend plays and musicals, and to get together with old friends.  Again, he wasn’t interested, but he encouraged her to do all these things if they were important to her. 

I acknowledged her marriage lacked sparkle but was not convinced that divorce would be in her best interest.  I asked, “How many wives are given financial freedom and time to do whatever they like?”  I reasoned with her as follows:   

1. She was free to raise her children with all the time and love she wished to give them.
2. She was free to bond with other women and enjoy cultural and social events.  She could pursue educational dreams or a career.  She could be as active as she wanted in her church and in community service. 
3. She could release herself from trying to change a husband who didn’t want to change.  This would lift a big burden from her and would allow her to be more content and grateful for her life and to make the best of what she had.

On the other hand, if she divorced, she could expect:

1. A nasty court battle.  Divorces are painful, emotionally devastating, and expensive. 
2. He would likely become angry and think she was ungrateful for all he had provided for her; he might hide money and assets to prevent her from getting her fair share.
3. She would probably have to work to support herself and her children.
4. She would have little time to enjoy educational, cultural, or social pursuits.
5. She would not be free to be as active as she would like in church and community service. 
6. The divorce would devastate the children and would have a negative impact upon them.  While he was a passive dad, he was still their Dad and they loved him. 
7. There is no guarantee she would marry again, and no promise a second marriage would turn out to be what she wanted.

     As she continued in counseling, she learned she had to be responsible for her own happiness.  Instead of looking at the things missing in her marriage, she became grateful for the freedom her husband afforded her.   He was not that abusive or controlling.  Her circumstances could have been much worse.  While hers wasn’t a super marriage, it wasn’t that awful either.   Many unhappy wives would be willing to trade places with her. 

     She originally sought counseling for approval to divorce, but in the process of her therapy, she came to the conclusion that her divorce was unnecessary.  In fact, professional literature confirms that most divorces are unnecessary and that the pain of divorce is greater than the pain of the marriage.  In fact, studies reveal that couples contemplating divorce who re-commit to their marriages often become very happy.

Dr Coombs is in private practice as marriage, family and individual therapist in Washington City. He and his wife Marva wife articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or go to www.DrDavidCoombs.com. 

Considering a divorce? Stop! Wait!

David and Marva Coombs

     Obviously, those considering divorce are hurting. No shield protects them from the pain of being rejected by someone whom they trusted would love them forever. In their hurt, they strike out and say and do things they may later regret. In their pain, they think they would be happier if they were single again. However, research shows that most people who divorce will remain unhappy, depressed and lonely long after the divorce. Wars with ex-spouses continue: financial problems increase and conflicts intensify.

     A number of years ago, we talked with folks who were dear to us. They had both divorced their first companions and had been married to one another about six years. They had a good marriage, but both expressed their regrets for the costs of their divorces, particularly the emotional cost to their children.  Both also said they had divorced too fast with little thought of the consequences. Then they said, “We needn’t have divorced.”  

     Many people have mixed feelings about their divorces and express regrets. They wish they had been more patient, more forgiving and more willing to work things out.Three out of four divorced couples eventually remarry. However, second marriages have even higher divorce rates than first ones.

     It’s hard to work through difficult marriages, but it is also hard to work through divorces. Many couples that seriously considered divorce are now happy after taking classes on strengthening marriage to learn what it takes to have successful marriages. 

Research has shown that those couples in unhappy marriages who recommitted to their partners reported they were happy within five years. Some--often those with the worst problems--reported being very happy. They were glad they didn’t divorce. They had conquered even serious problems such as infidelity, addictions, and emotional neglect. (The Case for Marriage, 148.)

     One myth about divorce is that children will be better off without having parents in constant conflict. Research does not bear this out. Most of the time, children are shocked and devastated when  parents announce their desire to divorce. These children would be better off if their parents sought counseling, resolved their differences and stayed married. Of course, in a few situations including sustained physical and emotional abuse, divorces may be necessary.

     Unfortunately, few married couples take classes to improve their marriages. Few read books to enhance their relationships. Few seek the help of trained marriage counselors even when they are available at little or no expense. Even if couples spent several hundred dollars on counseling, it is still very cost effective compared to the expense of divorce. 

     Utah State University extension services has an office in St. George and offer free classes on “How Not to Marry a Jerk or Jerkette” and also offer marriage improvement courses. Free dinners and baby sitting are provided. (Call 435-634-2692 for more information.) 

     Also. local churches offer free classes on Strengthening Marriage and Family. These classes are not just for those having problems, but also for those who simply want to have the best marriages possible.

     Those who are considering divorce should stop, wait and reconsider before they proceed into what may be a very big mistake that will have serious emotional, spiritual and financial consequences for themselves and for their children. The fact is that most divorces are not necessary.

(Many concepts for this article was gleaned from a publication produced by the State of Utah entitled “Should I keep Trying to Work it out?” For additional help go to www.utahmarriage.org.)

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual counselor. He and his wife Marva give free presentations on marriage and family life. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web at www.DrDavidCoombs.com

Seeking Job Security In Marriage

David and Marva Coombs

What if marriages were compared to employment? Those wanting job security do everything morally possible to win the confidence of their employers and work hard to be indispensable to the success of their businesses. Shouldn’t the same principle apply to our marriages? If so, we would do everything we could to please our spouses, so they would see us as indispensable to the success of our marriages and their happiness.

If workers are habitually late to work, take more time for lunch than allotted, and leave work early, they will most likely lose their jobs. And how would husbands and wives feel if their spouses were thoughtlessly and habitually late and did not honor their appointments with each other.

How long would workers keep their jobs if they had to be told again and again how to do their work. Bosses and spouses appreciate workers and companions who diligently and creatively do their part without being told or reminded.

Company loyalty is appreciated and so is loyalty in marriage. Wise employees want to make their employers look good to others. The same is true in marriage. Successful partners do not complain, criticize, or embarrass their companions; they do all they can to protect their sweethearts’ feelings and to build their esteem.

Workers who respect the company’s assets and work to maximize profits are rewarded. Couples are rewarded when family resources are used wisely and money is spent following mutually agreed upon budgets. Serious strains are put upon marriages when one partner spends money independently without the approval of the other. Would workers last long if they spent their employers’ money without prior approval?

Employers appreciate workers who work well with others and build an atmosphere of cooperation, courtesy, and good will.  Employees would not keep their jobs if they got angry at their employers, argued with them, called them names, were rude, insensitive, and contentious. These same considerations apply to couples. Anger is destructive and corrosive at work and at home.

Marriages work best when partners are committed to the success of their relationships and do as much for each other as they would for their employers. Spouses who are honest and open with each other create an atmosphere of trust and confidence. While the “I Love Lucy” TV series of the 1950s was comical, it was also troublesome because nearly every episode featured Lucy or Ricky being deceitful and dishonest. Dishonesty doesn’t win friends at work or at home.

What if husbands hid golf clubs in the trunks of their cars and used them to play golf on company time? What if they lied about these extended breaks not only to their bosses but also to their wives?  What if stay-at-home wives frivolously spent hours reading novels, watching TV or playing games on the internet when they should be maintaining their homes? Bosses, husbands and wives are disappointed and disgusted by deception.

What if washing machines need repairs but husbands refuse to either repair them or to call repairmen? What if wives are slow to respond to husbands’ requests for mending?  If these lapses in consideration were common in the workplace, how long would they keep their jobs?

How do wives feel when they find pornography hidden in the home or see pornographic sites in their computers’ history? Unemployment usually follows if this happens at work. Wives may also consider ending their marriages if the practice does not stop. 

Employees who work hard for the success of their companies secure their jobs. Husbands and wives who work hard to please one another secure their marriages. And both husbands and wives are happy and proud of their good relationships.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. He and his wife Marva give free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or visit www.DrDavidCoombs.com.

Boundaries Necessary to Prevent Costly and Painful affairs

David and Marva Coombs

Too many people give in to the temptation to look past their spouses and to notice others who appear more interesting, more attractive, more responsive to their needs, more willing to listen, more empathic, more understanding, and even more in need of their love. This sounds absurd and most of us think this would never happen to us because of our determination to keep our marital vows.   However, the reality is that adultery happens often and entices those who believed it could not happen to them. And it is devastating to everyone involved. But there is a solution: people can establish boundaries that make it clear that they are not available for any inappropriate relationships. By doing so, they protect themselves from liaisons that may jeopardize their marriages, their children, and their careers. Here are some suggestions that may help couples avoid being unfaithful to their spouse.

Dress modestly; avoid clothing and styles that are provocative and that say, “I’m available; I’m looking.” Quickly dismiss inappropriate and lustful thoughts and avoid anything that feeds them. 

Limit the amount of time spent alone with anyone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse: i.e. don’t share rides to work or to church; don’t go on errands, to lunch, to lectures, or to social activities with members of the opposite sex to whom you are not married. Don’t share intimate details regarding your personal lives. Don’t give or receive personal compliments, personal gifts, or special favors that may be mis-interpreted.

Men cross lines when they tell their lovely, attractive co-workers, “My wife doesn’t understand me. She’s not as sensitive to my needs as you are. She doesn’t take care of herself as well as you do.” Not only is this an unfair comparison but it is also an invitation that can lead to chaos and heart break. 

Husbands also cross lines when they try to rescue female associates in trouble. Men can refer these women to helping agencies. They should never go alone to a woman’s home to help out or to fix a few things. 

These situations may, of course, be reversed and may apply to women as well to men.

Some people greet  others with hugs and kisses on cheeks. Such greetings can be appropriate; however, some are too intimate and generate uncomfortable feelings. All of us must use caution and block any greetings that seem to go to far. 

All people like approval of, validation from, and acceptance by others, but if these desires are too strong, they can lead insecure people to want everyone to think they are attractive. Those going through mid-life crises may be particularly vulnerable because they wonder if they are still desirable. Some flirt and make comments with sexual innuendoes yet believe they are impervious to any consequences. This is a mistake; there are always consequences.

Pride interferes with sound thinking. Whenever people think they are exceptions to the rules, they have crossed lines; they are in danger. Rules are simply boundaries that keep us safe. 

Those with their boundaries firmly in place are spared the pain, embarrassment, remorse, and possibly even divorce caused by infidelity.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. He and his wife Marva give free presentations on marriage and family. Phone 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or visit his website at DrDavidCoombs.com.

Overcoming Depression

Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D, MFT

     Everyone experiences periods of depression. It goes with being mortal. In the October General Conference of 2013, Elder Jeffry R. Holland said major bouts of depression, be they short lived or chronic, seem to be the lot of most, if not all, people. He spoke of his own battle with a major depressive episode. 

     The title of his talk, “Like a Broken Vessel,” provided the metaphor that describes how people feel, at times, broken. And they fear they may never become whole again.

Speaking out of his own experience, Elder Holland gave encouragement to others who are hit with these psychic blows.  He advised them to consider the following:  take time to rest and to “not run faster than they have strength” (Mosiah 4:27); to ask for priesthood blessings; to seek the aide of professional counselors and medical doctors; to hold on to their faith in the Living Christ; and to not lose hope. 

     All people, when experiencing difficulties and challenging times, may benefit from repeating to themselves an ancient proverb, “This too shall pass.” The dark night will eventually give way to the bright morning of another day.  When the prophet Joseph Smith was deep in despair he received a revelation which is recorded in Section 122 of the Doctrine and Covenants, verse seven: “all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”

     Depressed people want to pull away from others, to isolate themselves, and to hide. This may be necessary for a time. They need the patience of non-judgmental, loving family members and dear friends who will not insist that they put on a false front and pretend all is well when it is not. 

However, after they have sufficient rest, have sessions with professional counselors, have the benefit of medications or a change in diets, after they have fasted, prayed, and given thanks to the Master Healer, if they have not yet done so, then they need to analyze the way their thinking has contributed to their depression. 

     In his book, Feeling Good, Dr. David Burns teaches the importance of trading depressive thought patterns for ways of thinking that bring relief and hope. He emphasizes we are the sum total of our thoughts and what we are feeling is often a result of what we are telling ourselves; our moods and our dark feelings are a result of our own poor self talk. Every action is preceded by a thought. People can interpret events so that they conclude that they are worthless, of course, that leads to depression. However, they can overcome their depression by choosing to think more rational thoughts that will lead to their feeling valued and worthwhile. To do this they need to identify how they think themselves into despair.

     Dr. Burns identifies ten ways people do their depression:

1. Think in terms of all or nothing, black or white, success or failure with nothing   allowed in between. One student got a “B” in one class and “A”s in all the others. He was depressed because he wasn’t perfect. He had to have all “A”s to consider himself a successful student.
2. Overgeneralize events, for example, a boy asked one girl for a date and she politely said no. The boy saw this as proof that all girls hate him; he will never marry; he might as well face the truth that he is worthless.
3. Use a mental filter to pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their thinking is distorted. A woman shamed herself for being ten pounds over-weight and refused to be comforted.
4. Disqualify any positives by saying that the good things they have done don’t count. They say things like, “When friends try to give me assurance, they are just trying to be nice. If they knew all the dirty truth about me, they would reject me.”
5. Jump to conclusions. Because one person doesn’t like them, that  proves that no one likes them. Some see themselves as mind readers who are absolutely sure that, while people are being nice, they have ulterior motives.
6. Awfulize or take something that is unfortunate and make it much worse than it really is. A man found bird poop on his car and said, “This kind of thing happens to me all the time and it’s not fair.” 
7. Exaggerate the importance of certain feelings that they even say things that make them appear odd: “I feel the world is coming to an end; since that’s what I feel, then it is true.”
8. Frequently use the words “should” and “ought” to create unnecessary guilt. They feel the only way out of their depression is to live a perfect life. But because people are not perfect and never will be, they see no way out of their depression.
9. Use the negative power of labels to call themselves “Losers,” “Dead Beats,” or “Worthless.” For example, a woman may say, “I am a bad mother. If I were a good mother, my boy would be a better student.” 
10. Grant themselves awesome powers by thinking if they had only said the right thing, at the right time, or had taken the right action, they could have prevented a catastrophe from happening. Some label themselves “Stupid” and hold on to the regret that their lack of action is the cause that others are in great pain. “If I had called or visited when I was prompted, my friend would not have committed suicide. It’s all my fault.”

     So what is the answer? How do people overcome their negative thinking that leads, in part, to their depression? The answer is simple, but it requires hard work that only they can do. They must identify how they use one or more of these methods to do their depression.  Anyone thinking irrational thoughts will be depressed. So the answer is for people to challenge illogical and destructive ways of thinking. One effective strategy is to keep a daily journal and to write out negative thought patterns; this shows clearly how they participate in creating their own depressions. 

     After identifying irrational thoughts, they write out how they wished they had thought and acted. In later similar situations, they will have the opportunity to do what they have planned. They vigorously challenge themselves to stop their inappropriate thinking and practice thinking more rationally. Be aware that many depressed people will not take this advice. They may fight it, resist it, and do nothing. They may find excuses to convince themselves that this will not work. People will say things like, “I don’t feel like doing this.” “This is too hard.” “I am helpless, powerless, and I simply don’t have the energy to do what it takes.” “How do you expect me to do this when I am feeling so depressed?” “Yes but...”

     The slightest efforts reap rewards. Just getting off the couch or out of bed and going for a walk brings blessings. Breakthroughs occur when depressed people say, “I think I can do this. I might as well try something. I hate being depressed. This advice just might work for me. What if I get Dr. Burns book, Feeling Good and read it and get more ideas on ways to think differently? It just may help me.”

     Some might say, “Do I have to write in a journal. Couldn’t I just process these ideas in my mind?”  No! There is power in writing out how depression is done. Whether on paper or on the computer screen, seeing their thoughts in black and white is powerful. Additionally, they can talk with others they trust who can help them recognize more rational ways to think. Right thinking begins with the words they say to themselves. If they don’t think they can do it, they are right. But if they think they can, then there is hope. As they act on the possibilities, people will continue to move forward till they have found relief by learning the language of faith both in themselves and in their Creator. 

     Abraham Lincoln is credited with this thought: “You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be.” That is true!

     Just as people can think themselves into a depressed state, they can also think the right thoughts that lead them to a life of increased confidence; they will know they are people of worth. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.” People are responsible for their own happiness. No one can make them happy. It really is their choice. 

Dr Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor in Washington, Utah. He and his wife Marva publish articles together and give free presentations on marriage and family. Call (435) 705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or go to the web DrDavidCoombs.com.

How do we forgive ourselves? by Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D. MFC

How do we forgive ourselves?

Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D. MFC

All of us make mistakes, some serious ones. In spite of going through the steps of repentance, including confessing, forsaking, and diligently serving others, far too many people refuse to be comforted. It is as if they are saying that the Savior's atonement is not enough to cover their sins and that they have not suffered sufficiently to become worthy.                                                                                                            When people refuse to forgive themselves for remitted sins, (sins that have been confessed and forsaken), they are denying the power of our Redeemer.  Instead of listening to the voice of the Good Shepherd, who freely forgives as often as we sincerely repent, (Mosiah 26:22,30) they hearken to the voice of Satan who would have them believe they are not good enough to have their guilt removed.

Hasn’t Satan won a great victory when he convinces people that the Lord did indeed atone for the sins of all mankind, BUT his atonement does not apply personally to them?  It is as if some single themselves out and egotistically make themselves the one grand exception to the infinite and merciful plan of redemption. They convince themselves that their sins are so uniquely gross that they do not qualify for the Savior's love. Perhaps, we all limit His love to some degree.

The great message of the scriptures is: just as the Apostle Paul, who before his conversion persecuted the Christians and gave assent to the killing of Stephen, was pained by his former sins no more (Acts 8 & 9), so we too can be freed of our guilt. Just as Moses, who killed an Egyptian task master, was pained by his former sins and sought forgiveness, so can we also enjoy the same blessing of freedom from pain (Exodus 2). Just as Peter, who persistently denied the Christ three times (Luke 22 & John 21) was assured of the Lord's forgiveness and was encircled in the arms of His love, so can we feel those same arms around us.  While we may know this intellectually, we may be fighting within ourselves emotionally by doubting our worthiness and convincing ourselves we don't qualify for Christ's atonement.

 All people have running conversations within, and all too often they are unkind, harsh, and unforgiving of themselves. When people are steeped in negative self-talk, they come to the unfortunate conclusion that the very core of who they are is not of much worth. They quickly look to their foolish sins, of which we all have many, and view them as evidence that they are not good or at least not good enough.

To apply the atoning blood of Christ, people must repent not only of their sinful behavior but also of their sinful negative thinking. For example, when people recall past remitted sins, instead of reliving the horror and the pain, they must practice saying, "STOP!  I have repented of those sins. I refuse to beat on myself. I have been redeemed by the blood of Christ. I rely upon the mercies of Him who has paid the full price for my sins. I will not allow Satan to rob me of my peace. I am grateful for a merciful God who has set me free.” 

  As people accept themselves as flawed but lovable, they are not only released from a terrible burden, but they also lift a great burden off their families. A huge barrier is broken.  Finally, families feel whole and complete as all experience the most marvelous of all marvelous feelings: having the unnecessary guilt of forgiven sins swept away.

(Dr. Coombs is a therapist in private practice. His website is: DrDavidCoombs.com.)

How to Develop a Healthy Self-Esteem by Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFC

For my doctoral dissertation, I studied self-esteem. I wanted to know how people develop self-esteem. If it can be changed, how do we change it? I learned several exciting things.

First, all of us have suffered or do suffer from low self-esteem to one degree or another at one time or another. No one feels completely adequate all the time--nor should we. God made us with weaknesses and mortal imperfections for a reason. He wanted us to feel our dependency upon Him. We have the promise from God that as we humble ourselves before Him, He will make our weaknesses become our strengths (Ether 12:27).

Second, we can change our self-esteem. We don’t have to feel locked into thinking and feeling a certain way about ourselves. Change occurs when we decide to change. We begin by repenting of our sins and living in harmony with our values. Persons who are emotionally in conflict and who carry heavy burdens of guilt and shame will never feel good about themselves until they repent. The old saying is true, “We can’t feel good when we are doing bad.” Christ is mighty to save and freely forgives when we sincerely repent. When we are in harmony with God, we feel clean, worthy, lovable, and forgiven.

Third, self-esteem is effected by experiences we had as children. We are conditioned by home lives and traumas from our childhood. Those of us who were abused, discounted, and abandoned often feel of little worth. Because of our experiences growing up, all of us have running conversations with ourselves. If our parents or significant others were harsh and critical, then we will likely talk to ourselves the same way they did.

Fourth, we can change our negative self talk. In fact, if we are to change the way we feel about ourselves, we must change the way we talk to ourselves. Learning the language of self-support is likened to the process of re-parenting ourselves. We must lovingly discipline, kindly correct, constantly support, and quickly forgive ourselves.

Many of us were taught that it was prideful and wrong to say nice things about ourselves. We were warned not to “get a big head.” While we do not want to brag to others, it is imperative that we educate our feelings by reminding ourselves (not others) of our qualities, virtues, and strengths.

For example, from time to time we might say to ourselves: “I am getting better at forgiving myself.  I am learning to accept Christ’s atonement as applicable to me. I am learning to meet challenges and difficulties with increased faith, courage, and confidence. I am patient and kind more often. I can frequently say that I like myself and in the process feel more compassion for others. I am angry less often. I am getting so I can truly say I love life. I seem to be going from one special experience to another. Life is really going well for me.”

As we work at being better people and learn to be more kind to ourselves, we will have improved self-esteem, and we will grow in our love for ourselves and for others.

Dr. Coombs is a therapist in private practice.  His website is: DrDavidCoombs.com.