How do we forgive ourselves? by Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D. MFC

How do we forgive ourselves?

Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D. MFC

All of us make mistakes, some serious ones. In spite of going through the steps of repentance, including confessing, forsaking, and diligently serving others, far too many people refuse to be comforted. It is as if they are saying that the Savior's atonement is not enough to cover their sins and that they have not suffered sufficiently to become worthy.                                                                                                            When people refuse to forgive themselves for remitted sins, (sins that have been confessed and forsaken), they are denying the power of our Redeemer.  Instead of listening to the voice of the Good Shepherd, who freely forgives as often as we sincerely repent, (Mosiah 26:22,30) they hearken to the voice of Satan who would have them believe they are not good enough to have their guilt removed.

Hasn’t Satan won a great victory when he convinces people that the Lord did indeed atone for the sins of all mankind, BUT his atonement does not apply personally to them?  It is as if some single themselves out and egotistically make themselves the one grand exception to the infinite and merciful plan of redemption. They convince themselves that their sins are so uniquely gross that they do not qualify for the Savior's love. Perhaps, we all limit His love to some degree.

The great message of the scriptures is: just as the Apostle Paul, who before his conversion persecuted the Christians and gave assent to the killing of Stephen, was pained by his former sins no more (Acts 8 & 9), so we too can be freed of our guilt. Just as Moses, who killed an Egyptian task master, was pained by his former sins and sought forgiveness, so can we also enjoy the same blessing of freedom from pain (Exodus 2). Just as Peter, who persistently denied the Christ three times (Luke 22 & John 21) was assured of the Lord's forgiveness and was encircled in the arms of His love, so can we feel those same arms around us.  While we may know this intellectually, we may be fighting within ourselves emotionally by doubting our worthiness and convincing ourselves we don't qualify for Christ's atonement.

 All people have running conversations within, and all too often they are unkind, harsh, and unforgiving of themselves. When people are steeped in negative self-talk, they come to the unfortunate conclusion that the very core of who they are is not of much worth. They quickly look to their foolish sins, of which we all have many, and view them as evidence that they are not good or at least not good enough.

To apply the atoning blood of Christ, people must repent not only of their sinful behavior but also of their sinful negative thinking. For example, when people recall past remitted sins, instead of reliving the horror and the pain, they must practice saying, "STOP!  I have repented of those sins. I refuse to beat on myself. I have been redeemed by the blood of Christ. I rely upon the mercies of Him who has paid the full price for my sins. I will not allow Satan to rob me of my peace. I am grateful for a merciful God who has set me free.” 

  As people accept themselves as flawed but lovable, they are not only released from a terrible burden, but they also lift a great burden off their families. A huge barrier is broken.  Finally, families feel whole and complete as all experience the most marvelous of all marvelous feelings: having the unnecessary guilt of forgiven sins swept away.

(Dr. Coombs is a therapist in private practice. His website is: DrDavidCoombs.com.)

How to Develop a Healthy Self-Esteem by Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFC

For my doctoral dissertation, I studied self-esteem. I wanted to know how people develop self-esteem. If it can be changed, how do we change it? I learned several exciting things.

First, all of us have suffered or do suffer from low self-esteem to one degree or another at one time or another. No one feels completely adequate all the time--nor should we. God made us with weaknesses and mortal imperfections for a reason. He wanted us to feel our dependency upon Him. We have the promise from God that as we humble ourselves before Him, He will make our weaknesses become our strengths (Ether 12:27).

Second, we can change our self-esteem. We don’t have to feel locked into thinking and feeling a certain way about ourselves. Change occurs when we decide to change. We begin by repenting of our sins and living in harmony with our values. Persons who are emotionally in conflict and who carry heavy burdens of guilt and shame will never feel good about themselves until they repent. The old saying is true, “We can’t feel good when we are doing bad.” Christ is mighty to save and freely forgives when we sincerely repent. When we are in harmony with God, we feel clean, worthy, lovable, and forgiven.

Third, self-esteem is effected by experiences we had as children. We are conditioned by home lives and traumas from our childhood. Those of us who were abused, discounted, and abandoned often feel of little worth. Because of our experiences growing up, all of us have running conversations with ourselves. If our parents or significant others were harsh and critical, then we will likely talk to ourselves the same way they did.

Fourth, we can change our negative self talk. In fact, if we are to change the way we feel about ourselves, we must change the way we talk to ourselves. Learning the language of self-support is likened to the process of re-parenting ourselves. We must lovingly discipline, kindly correct, constantly support, and quickly forgive ourselves.

Many of us were taught that it was prideful and wrong to say nice things about ourselves. We were warned not to “get a big head.” While we do not want to brag to others, it is imperative that we educate our feelings by reminding ourselves (not others) of our qualities, virtues, and strengths.

For example, from time to time we might say to ourselves: “I am getting better at forgiving myself.  I am learning to accept Christ’s atonement as applicable to me. I am learning to meet challenges and difficulties with increased faith, courage, and confidence. I am patient and kind more often. I can frequently say that I like myself and in the process feel more compassion for others. I am angry less often. I am getting so I can truly say I love life. I seem to be going from one special experience to another. Life is really going well for me.”

As we work at being better people and learn to be more kind to ourselves, we will have improved self-esteem, and we will grow in our love for ourselves and for others.

Dr. Coombs is a therapist in private practice.  His website is: DrDavidCoombs.com.