An LDS Perspective on Human Intimacy

Dr. David H. Coombs, Marriage and Family Counselor, and Marva J. Coombs

     The misuse of sexual passion causes significant heartaches. When we cross sensitive lines, we do so at a high price.  Yet, when kept and expressed within the bounds the Lord has set, our sexuality "is a sacred and significant power...this power is good...it is the very key to our happiness"  (Boyd K. Packer, Conference Report, April 1972,136).

     As Latter-day Saints, we view sexuality as an eternal gift not limited to mortality.  Brigham Young taught there is one eternal law of procreation and that God "created man, as we create our children" (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11 p. 122).  President Joseph F. Smith taught the same when he said, "Christ the Savior was born of woman and God, the Father, was born of woman. Adam, our earthly parent, was also born of woman into this world, the same as Jesus and you and I" (Deseret Evening News, Dec. 27, 1913, Sec. Ill, 7).  We are, in the most literal sense, children of God; we are of the same race as the Gods.

     These sacred powers continue in the resurrection for those who marry worthily in the temple and thus qualify for the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom (Doctrine and Covenants 132:19). In effect, our Heavenly Parents have said to us in mortality: We will grant unto you the sacred power to have offspring that you may become partners with us to be co-creators of life.  If you mis-use these sacred powers and fail to repent of their mis-use, then you will be resurrected to a lesser degree of glory and you will not have these powers restored to you; they shall be taken away.  But, if you abide in our work, marry according to the priesthood and exercise these powers of procreation in righteousness, then in the resurrection you shall have them restored to you. You shall then possess the key to having eternal offspring and become as we are.

     We can see why Satan wants to do all he can to degrade this sacred power. Most everything vulgar refers to sexuality.  Satan does not have a body, therefore, does not enjoy the gift of sexuality.  He does all he can to get us to mis-use our sexual powers.  He then succeeds in keeping us from obtaining our goal of becoming heavenly parents, unless we repent.

     Amazingly, in his opening address of the April 1974 General Conference, President Spencer W. Kimball, in his desire to teach that sex is not just for having babies, quoted Billy Graham as follows: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of the kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His command to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply’” (Reader’s Digest, May 1970, 118).

     As stated above, sexual intimacy has two purposes, thus husbands and wives are encouraged to enjoy intimacy throughout their lives.  During child-bearing years, couples will appropriately want to use contraceptives in order to wisely space their children.  Without contraceptives, some couples could have babies every year.  Abstinence during the wife’s fertile period is a form of birth control, but it has side effects: it puts stress on couples’ relationships, and because women’s cycles are not consistent, couples can experience unexpected pregnancies.    

     Many couples question how many children they should have; this is a private issue that is resolved between the Lord and them alone.  Some LDS couples feel they  should have as many children as  health and circumstances permit.  The Psalmist stated:  “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord. . .happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them” (Psalms 127:3-5).  Nevertheless, the size of the family is the couples’ decision.

     Sexual intimacy legitimately belongs only to those who have made marital covenants.  The command “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14) still exists.  The Ten Commandments have not been revoked.  As Cecil B. DeMille said, “We cannot break the Ten Commandments.  We can only break ourselves against them” (Old Testament Student Manual, 1981,127). 

     Sexual sin has serious consequences.  The world portrays sexual promiscuity and recreational sex as normal and without prices or negative consequences. Those who accept this argument live in denial and will ultimately face prices such as heart break, single parenting, guilt, shame, disease, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, divorce, break-up of families, financial devastation, and the broken hearts of children. These are heavy prices. 

     Sexual purity (abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage) can be achieved and is well worth all efforts.  To those who have mis-used their sexuality, the Lord offers complete forgiveness upon sincere repentance.

Once married, does anything go in the bedroom?  No!  Anything that offends the sensitivities of either spouse is not worth it. In regards to frequency, intimacy could occur too often or too little. Each couple has to negotiate the frequency and timing that works best for both of them in an environment of mutual respect that allows both to feel loved and adored. 

     Some want to introduce pornography into their love making with the mistaken idea that it can be used to increase passion.  Pornography is poison under any circumstances. It pollutes normal expectations and effects trust in the relationship. 

     What about the use of vibrators? Vibrators can be useful to help some who cannot achieve orgasm easily or for couples who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have intercourse. For some, intercourse is painful without the aid of lubricants. 

     Those who have had negative teachings or painful experiences regarding their sexuality may question that sex is meant to be enjoyed.  Note what one LDS woman said: “Sex should be sacred and a source of intense enjoyment. . . a complete union of husband and wife. . .But it is to be more than pleasure.  We respect our bodies.  The body is the temple of the spirit.   But God created us to be sexual.  I enjoy sex.  It makes me happy” (Independent, Press-Telegram, Long Beach, CA, July 19, 1975 A10).  Good books, counseling, and consulting physicians can help those with physical or psychological issues that prevent sexual enjoyment. 

     Men and women approach love making differently and are sexually aroused differently.  LDS women should never be guilty of saying anything such as: “You know how men are.” or “He only has one thing on his mind.”   We were created differently so we will work at learning to make one another happy.

Because of the bond our love-making creates in our marriages, learning to pleasure one another is worth working for.  Remember, “This power is good. . . it is the very key to our happiness” (Ibid, Packer). 

                                                Improving Communication With Others

                                                       Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

How in the world are two people ever going to communicate if both of them are angry, both are demanding to be heard, and yet neither one is listening? And no empathy! Angry people are rarely open to insight and generally feel they have been victimized; they think they have every right to lash out regardless of the consequences. The natural inclination of the recipient of these rude blasts is to be offended and to bark back. And the war is on. Feelings are hurt and the damage is done. 

There is a better way to resolve differences. We don’t have to be so touchy and so ready to take offense. The prices are too high to allow ourselves to feel we have the right to hurt other people. Just because we think or feel a certain way doesn’t mean we have the right to express it. We can use a little discipline and say what we need to say without damaging our relationships by spewing forth acidic accusations. 

Therefore, if we are upset, we need to stop, calm down, give others the benefit of the doubt, and refuse to think the worst. Others may have a perfectly good explanation for deeds that appear questionable; give them the chance to express themselves.  Anger is a destructive emotion. It is a poor choice and damages relationships. It is better to take the high road, turn the other cheek, go the extra mile; that means we allow ourselves to be inconvenienced for the sake of maintaining peace and avoiding contention. We pay high prices when we lose our patience and are quick to find fault. 

When we are confronted by an angry person, particularly our friend, colleague, or sweetheart, (but for the moment our intimate enemy), our duty and best choice is to agree quickly and employ the power of empathy. 

You show empathy when you, as the recipient of another’s anger, sincerely want to understand what they are so upset about, and you are careful not to demean or to discount or to criticize or to offer advice. You may not agree with the charges leveled against you, but you at least want your angry friend to know that you are trying to understand. It takes a strong person to allow someone’s anger to blow right past without taking offense. Nevertheless, that is exactly what is being asked. 

Empathic listening is a gift that is worth the effort to develop and yes, it does take practice. It follows the old adage, “If you want to be understood first try to understand.” After your angry friend has finished venting, you can ask questions to assure you have the full picture. See if you can respond by paraphrasing their feelings in your own words; try to capture and mirror the reasons for their anger.

When the angry person feels understood, you can respond with something like: “I think I know how you feel. You feel thus and so for these reasons.”  You continue with as much empathy as you can muster while describing what the other is feeling and why.  As you continue empathic listening, your hope is your friend will say, “Yes, that is how I feel.” They may even say, “It means so much to me when you sincerely listen to me without interrupting and not being critical or defensive or thinking I am being stupid. You really do understand me.”

Once people feel understood, their anger is defused. They are able to calm down and are ready to hear the explanation for the questionable behavior at hand. By using the power of empathy, people are empowered to be better problem solvers. They are willing to get on the same side of the issue instead of attacking; they focus on how to solve the problem.

If appropriate, be quick to apologize even if you are only partially at fault. Don’t be afraid to say, “Now that I better understand how you see things, I can appreciate why you are so hurt. I am sorry. I owe you an apology.” By doing this you are taking the high road and at the same time you are courageously making yourself vulnerable for more abuse. The other person may still be in their anger mode and say, “It is about time you apologized, you dirty rotten rat.” If this happens, as hard as this may be, you will still be better able to save your relationship if you stay in the empathic listeners mode until they can see that you really are not their enemy but their friend. If they do not want to respond to all your efforts to reconcile, then you have the assurance you have done all you can do. If they insist on holding on to their anger, then leave the situation but continue to love them and to pray for them. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 4:44).

You may be thinking, “Does this really work? “Yes!” Do people really talk this way?” Not very often. But in critical moments, doing so makes all the difference. All of us have differences and need to practice using empathy when disagreements arise. Once both feel understood, the differences still need to be resolved. What if you were the person being attacked and you were guilty of something that was offensive, could you take ownership and admit your error?  Hopefully you could say, “You have a right to be upset. What I did was wrong. I apologize for my thoughtless behavior.”

If there is a problem that needs resolving, then after hearing each other out, you can then ask, “How can we resolve this so both of us can feel good about it?” A compromise may be worked out, or one may say, “I can see it would be best to follow your suggestion.” What a lovely gift that can be!

Another communication pattern that can be irritating if not devastating, is when you make statements or express ideas that others feel the need to point out as inaccurate. They may quibble with you over slight details. While there may be exceptions to everything, it is frustrating to make statements only to have them demeaned, put down, or discounted. We all like to be validated, given approval, or to have others be supportive of us. It is frustrating to have our ideas contradicted often by our spouse or good friend, particularly in front of others. It is less important to be right and more important that we be the guardian of each other’s self-esteem. 

Another pattern that often gets in the way of good communication is when we are told in an accusatory tone that we are “always ” doing something or “never” do anything right. This all-or-nothing approach is sure to bring an unpleasant response and quarrels are bound to follow. Those accused will want to defend themselves and give examples that prove that the accusations against them are not true such as, “Wait a minute, that is not true. Remember when I did thus and so. So it is not true that I always do that or never do that. What about the times you . . .” The current issue is lost amidst a war of words. Good communication is the art of saying what you need to say while still being sensitive to the feelings of others.

The underlying issue in developing good communication is not only what is being said but how it is said. Sarcasm is very biting and destructive.  The motive behind sarcasm is to demean. The Savior commanded the Nephites to allow “no disputations among them,” that “the spirit of contention is of the devil” and “such things must be done away . . . that whosoever is angry . . . “is in danger of hell fire” (III Nephi 11:29-30; 12:22). 

  What a world of difference is found when we approach each other with a sincere desire to communicate, to problem solve, to find solutions to our differences. When there is trust and we truly care about people, then we find others approachable and easy to talk to; conversations move along nicely. Others may not know all the right words or may not say things in just the right way, but because we feel of their goodness we are forgiving and even try to assist in helping them make their point.  We also feel emotionally safe in their presence to bring up any and all issues that need to be discussed. 

There is another tip that will improve communication. When we are sitting close enough to touch there is no need to yell. When we are talking softly, we find truth in Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turneth away wrath.”

Books describing people’s near-death experiences and their visits to the next life often mention that communication there is not with words that are spoken out loud but by thought to thought that can be readily understood. There is no hiding what you really feel. You know as you are known. There is very little chance of being mis-understood. We are better communicators and listeners when we are real, genuine, and congruent. No false fronts. No thinking one thing but saying something quite the opposite. How would it be if we could be that honest and transparent in this life?

Good communication is vital to the quality of all our relationships and this is particularly true in marriage. Dr. Carlfred Broderick, In a scholarly text book on marriage, Couples, begins with an insightful and truthful first line, “A good marriage is the result of two people learning the art of simply being kind to each other.”  Kind people are good communicators.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual therapist with a private practice in Washington, UT. He and his wife, Marva, write articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web to www.DrDavidCoombs.com. 

                                                            “Doubt Not, Fear Not”

                                                          David and Marva Coombs

     Worry and fear cripple our ability to lead happy and productive lives. And there is a direct relationship between fear and a lack of faith in God; “Perfect love casteth out all fear” (Moroni 8:16). Just as the Lord said to Joshua, "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee"(Joshua 1:5), he has promised us all that if we will put our trust in Him, He will make us equal to any and all tasks. The Lord has repeatedly said, "Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36). He has reminded us over and over that “the righteous need not fear” (II Nephi 22:17). In verses 18-22, the Lord repeats words of comfort to the righteous, particularly the saints of the latter-days, that they need not fear.

     Being well aware that mortality is sometimes very scary, Heavenly Father has given many needed assurances, particularly to those who strive to keep all of His commandments, and even to those who “seek so to do” (Doctrine and Covenants 46:9). This verse tells us that just trying to qualify allows us to enjoy the gifts of the spirit that provide heaven-sent comfort.  We mortals forget that we walk in full view of our loving Heavenly Father and are never out of His sight. He is always aware of us and knows our needs. He has assured us that He will always stand by us and, additionally, has assigned angels to be on our right hand and on our left, and has placed His Spirit in our hearts to buoy us up and to give us constant strength (see Doctrine and Covenants 84:88). With this assurance why should we ever be afraid?

     We demonstrate a lack of faith when we frighten ourselves with "what if" questions that lead to awful and devastating conclusions.  We all may choose to ask a myriad of “What ifs” that do nothing but create doubts, fears, anxiety and despair. We also may choose to remember the old preacher’s greeting to each new day: “Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can’t handle”(Source unknown).

     We disobey the command to "Let virtue garnish [our] thoughts unceasingly"(Doctrine and Covenants 121:45) when we think the worst about ourselves, recall painful memories of the past, worry about our current circumstances, fill our minds with negative images, and overwhelm out hearts with dread. The power of the atonement of Christ allows us to feel clean from the past, fortified for the present, and confident of our future. We must change our "what ifs" to "so whats" and know that "All things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28). When worries and fears creep into our hearts, let us remember to follow the counsel in Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." 

     Are we not in good hands as we lean and wait upon the Lord? Of course we must seek to be obedient and to do all in our power to bring about much righteousness, but then we can let go of our worries and let God take charge of our lives. We want our will to be swallowed up in His will. Elder Neal Maxwell pointed out that, since our Father has given us everything we have, then the one gift that is truly ours to give in return is our will (October Conference 1995). There is peace only in surrendering our all to Him who promises His all in return. 

     Sometimes our fears come because we have created a fantasy of our own personal Camelot and plead with Heavenly Father to make it all possible. We are easily frightened when the Lord is late or says no to us; we forget that He is much wiser, has eternal perspective, and knows what is best for us. We must also have faith in His perfect timing. He is “a God of truth and canst not lie” (Ether 3:12). His promises are certain. He will not fail us nor forsake us as we continue to serve and love Him. He has promised the faithful "peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come" (Doctrine and Covenants 59:23).  As we look to the future with an eye of faith, we come to know all that we need to know: our future is glorious. President Monson coined the phrase, “Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith” (April General Conference 2009).

     We burden our families and create black clouds that hang over them when we wallow in fear and doubt. If one of our fears is not having sufficient money, then the surest way to solve financial concerns is in the faithful payment of tithes and offerings. We are promised that as we do so we will always have enough and to spare (see Malachi 3:10). The Lord looks after his own. 

Of course, we can’t pay tithing and then heap unwise debt on ourselves and expect God to make our payments. But he will inspire us to budget and often leads us to get more training and to find better paying jobs.

     Maintaining positive images helps us overcome our fears; for example, we may want to consider what the Lord said to Oliver Cowdrey as recorded in Doctrine and Covenants 6:20: “Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of My love.” Now there is an image that can be a powerful source of great comfort!

     It is possible that one of the most frequently repeated commands is “Fear not.” Mark 5:23-43 tells a touching story of Jairus, ruler of the synagog, who pleaded for the life of his desperately ill daughter and urgently invited the Lord to come quickly to his home to heal her. On the way Jesus was interrupted, and by the time he arrived the twelve-year-old little girl was dead.  Jairus sent word to the Savior that He was too late. Jesus response was “Be not afraid, Only believe.” The Lord continued to the house and raised the girl from the dead. But even if the miracle sought by the father had not been granted, the command to “be not afraid, [but] only believe” was applicable to the father then and still applies to us all today. Being believers does not shield us from the pain and challenges of life, but it does give us the resources to deal with whatever life throws at us.

     In his book, Way to Be!: 9 Rules for Living the Good life, 81, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “In my ninety-plus years, I have learned a secret. I have learned that when good men and good women face challenges with optimism, things will always work out! Truly, things always work out! Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.” Notice that he said “things always work out” three times? That’s powerful.

     Many have been inspired by the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation,” noting the third verse, “Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.”(Hymn 85).

The Apostle Paul developed an exemplary attitude as recorded in Philippians 4:11: “For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” It is easy to compare our situation with others in such a way that we feel that God has abundantly blessed others but not us. Yet we know He is no respecter of persons: in other words, he does not love one more than another. 

All persons have divinely designed curriculums suited to teach them what they particularly need to learn as they go through their mortal probation. (Neal Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience,6) This life is a test to see if we can endure to the end with our faith in God well developed and fully intact, being “submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19).

     In the Lectures on Faith, third chapter, it states that our faith is not complete till we have the assurance that we are living lives that are pleasing before God. Only those who “doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come” (Doctrine and Covenants 59:23).

     Paul wrote to Timothy, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (II Timothy 1:7). Having a sound mind is holding on to appropriate thoughts that are edifying and uplifting. Maybe this is what Jacob had in mind when he said, “O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads [apparently Jacob was speaking to good righteous people whose heads were hanging down probably due to negative or inappropriate self-talk] and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm forever” (Jacob 3:2). Those who have minds that are firm are those who are steadfast and immoveable in holding to the thoughts that push away doubts and fears and replace them with “the pleasing word of God.” 

     King Benjamin’s classic address offers these great words of comfort: “Moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it” (Mosiah 2:41).

     We are the sum total of our thoughts. We can think thoughts that are fearful and create doubt and anxiety. Or we can feast upon the words of the Living God, plant them firmly in our minds, and be free from all fear. Why not follow the admonition offered by King Benjamin: “Believe in God; believe that he is . . . believe that he has all wisdom, and all power . . . that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend . . . believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now if ye believe all these things see that ye do them” (Mosiah 4:9-10).

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual therapist in Washington, Utah. He and his wife, Marva, write articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or find him on the web at www.DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                             Why do women stay with abusive husbands?

                                                             David and Marva Coombs

     Several societal myths are perpetuated regarding women who are abused by their husbands such as:  1. These women are not very bright.  2. These women must enjoy beatings in some masochistic way. 3. These wives deserve the beatings because they purposely provoke their husbands to anger. 

     Of course, these women are bright and capable.  Some truly love their husbands and pray for the day when their men will mellow out and eliminate their anger.  They say that, if it weren’t for the times when their men explode, they are really nice guys.  And they are. Unfortunately, while a few men actually overcome battering their wives and do become excellent husbands, most often, the abuse gets worse.

     Abusive husbands follow a predictable cycle:  tension, explosive behavior, sorrow which includes apologies and making up by being very nice, followed by tension, etc.  Some women feel if they can just endure the anger part, then they really enjoy the honeymoon phase when hubby is so nice.

     Some husbands are not only abusive physically but also verbally.  They discount and demean their wives and convince the women that they are at fault for making their men upset.  This is the great lie.  No one makes others angry.  Anger is a choice.  These men can change and can learn to take responsibility for their actions; they can learn not to blame others for their abusive behavior.  Many abused women are told daily that they are ugly, that if they left the marriage, no other man would want them.  With their self-esteem shattered, these women fear they would be worse off if they left.

Some abusive men live in fear their wives will leave them, so they make all kinds of threats:  they will take the children from their wives; the husbands threaten to beat their companions even worse for embarrassing them; they will hunt them down and kill them.  They threaten to burn their houses down.  Faced with these options, most women courageously choose to stay to protect their children.

     One researcher said battered wives will average five attempts to leave their husbands before successfully doing so.  Some women are talked out of leaving by their church leaders who feel it is their job to keep the family together at all costs. However, the clergy does have a legal problem:  if it can be proven that they encouraged a woman to leave the marriage, the husband can bring legal charges against that church.

     One of the biggest barriers preventing wives from leaving their husbands is lack of money.  St. George provides a solution to this problem at the Dove Center which shelters battered women and their children.  The Dove Center offers shelter up to 90 days.  They help victims of abuse to access government programs available to them.  They also offer legal advice and assist them in getting court-ordered protection.  Counseling services are provided without cost.  Medical and dental services are available free from the Doctor’s Volunteer Clinic.

     A private organization called the The Erin Kimball Memorial Foundation provides apartments up to two years after they leave the Dove Center and financial assistance to help battered women to become self-sufficient.  Churches also offer free counseling, food, and clothing.

While in the past, battered women had very little support, that is no longer true.  If women need help, their first call should be to the Dove Center crises line at 628-0458.

Dr. Coombs is a professional counselor with a private practice in Washington City.  He and his wife, Marva write articles together and offer free presentations on strengthening marriage and family.  Call 435-705-3579 or email them at DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or www.DrDavidCoombs.Com.

                                                               Overcoming Depression

                                                         Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D, MFT 

     Everyone experiences periods of depression. It goes with being mortal. In the October General Conference of 2013, Elder Jeffry R. Holland said major bouts of depression, be they short lived or chronic, seem to be the lot of most, if not all, people. He spoke of his own battle with a major depressive episode. 

     The title of his talk, “Like a Broken Vessel,” provided the metaphor that describes how people feel, at times, broken. And they fear they may never become whole again.

Speaking of his own experience, Elder Holland gave encouragement to others who are hit with these psychic blows.  He advised them to consider the following:  take time to rest and to “not run faster than they have strength” (Mosiah 4:27); to ask for priesthood blessings; to seek the aide of professional counselors and medical doctors; to hold on to their faith in the Living Christ; and to not lose hope. 

     All people, when experiencing difficulties and challenging times, may benefit from repeating to themselves an ancient proverb, “This too shall pass.” The dark night will eventually give way to the bright morning of another day.  When the prophet Joseph Smith was deep in despair, he received a revelation which is recorded in Doctrine and Covenants 122:7: “All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”

     Depressed people want to pull away from others, to isolate themselves, and to hide. This may be necessary for a time. They need the patience of non-judgmental, loving family members and dear friends who will not insist that they put on a false front and pretend all is well when it is not. 

However, after they have sufficient rest, have sessions with professional counselors, have the benefit of medications or a change in diets, after they have fasted, prayed, and given thanks to the Master Healer, if they have not yet done so, then they need to analyze the way their thinking has contributed to their depression. 

     In his book, Feeling Good, Dr. David Burns teaches the importance of trading depressive thought patterns for new ways of thinking that bring relief and hope. He emphasizes that we are the sum total of our thoughts ,and what we are feeling is often a result of what we are telling ourselves; our moods and our dark feelings are a result of our own poor self talk. Every action is preceded by a thought. People can interpret events so that they conclude that they are worthless; of course, that leads to depression. However, they can overcome their depression by choosing to think more rational thoughts that will lead to their feeling valued and worthwhile. To do this they need to identify how they think themselves into despair.

     Dr. Burns identifies ten ways people do their depression:

1. Think in terms of all or nothing, black or white, success or failure with nothing   allowed in between. One student got a “B” in one class and “A”s in all the others. He was depressed because he wasn’t perfect. He had to have all “A”s to consider himself a successful student.
2. Overgeneralize events, for example, a boy asked one girl for a date and she politely said no. The boy saw this as proof that all girls hate him; he will never marry; he might as well face the truth that he is worthless.
3. Use a mental filter to pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their thinking is distorted. A woman shamed herself for being ten pounds over-weight and refused to be comforted.
4. Disqualify any positives by saying that the good things they have done don’t count. They say things like, “When friends try to give me assurance, they are just trying to be nice. If they knew all the dirty truth about me, they would reject me.”
5. Jump to conclusions. Because one person doesn’t like them, that  proves that no one likes them. Some see themselves as mind readers who are absolutely sure that, while people are being nice, they have ulterior motives.
6. Awfulize or take something that is unfortunate and make it much worse than it really is. A man found bird poop on his car and said, “This kind of thing happens to me all the time and it’s not fair.” 
7. Exaggerate the importance of certain feelings; they may even say things that make them appear odd: “I feel the world is coming to an end; since that’s what I feel, then it is true.”
8. Frequently use the words “should” and “ought” to create unnecessary guilt. They feel the only way out of their depression is to live a perfect life. But because people are not perfect and never will be, they see no way out of their depression.
9. Use the negative power of labels to call themselves “Losers,” “Dead Beats,” or “Worthless.” For example, a woman may say, “I am a bad mother. If I were a good mother, my boy would be a better student.” 
10. Grant themselves awesome powers by thinking if they had only said the right thing, at the right time, or had taken the right action, they could have prevented a catastrophe from happening. Some label themselves “Stupid” and hold on to the regret that their lack of action is the cause that others are in great pain. “If I had called or visited when I was prompted, my friend would not have committed suicide. It’s all my fault.”

     So what is the answer? How do people overcome their negative thinking that leads, in part, to their depression? The answer is simple, but it requires hard work that only they can do. They must identify how they use one or more of these methods to do their depression.  Anyone thinking irrational thoughts will be depressed. So the answer is for people to challenge illogical and destructive ways of thinking. One effective strategy is to keep a daily journal and to write out negative thought patterns; this shows clearly how they participate in creating their own depressions. 

     After identifying irrational thoughts, they write out how they wished they had thought and acted. In later similar situations, they will have the opportunity to do what they have planned. They vigorously challenge themselves to stop their inappropriate thinking and practice thinking more rationally. Be aware that many depressed people will not take this advice. They may fight it, resist it, and do nothing. They may find excuses to convince themselves that this will not work. People will say things like, “I don’t feel like doing this.” “This is too hard.” “I am helpless, powerless, and I simply don’t have the energy to do what it takes.” “How do you expect me to do this when I am feeling so depressed?” “Yes but...”

     The slightest efforts reap rewards. Just getting off the couch or out of bed and going for a walk brings blessings. Breakthroughs occur when depressed people say, “I think I can do this. I might as well try something. I hate being depressed. This advice just might work for me. What if I get Dr. Burns book, Feeling Good and read it and get more ideas on ways to think differently? It just may help me.”

     Some might say, “Do I have to write in a journal. Couldn’t I just process these ideas in my mind?”  No! There is power in writing out how depression is done. Whether on paper or on the computer screen, seeing their thoughts in black and white is powerful. Additionally, they can talk with others they trust who can help them recognize more rational ways to think. Right thinking begins with the words they say to themselves. If they don’t think they can do it, they are right. But if they think they can, then there is hope. As they act on the possibilities, people will continue to move forward till they have found relief by learning the language of faith both in themselves and in their Creator. 

     Abraham Lincoln is credited with this thought: “You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be.” This is true!

     Just as people can think themselves into a depressed state, they can also think the right thoughts that lead them to a life of increased confidence; they will know they are people of worth. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.” People are responsible for their own happiness. No one can make them happy. It really is their choice. 

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual therapist in Washington, Utah. He and his wife, Marva, write articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email to drdavidcoombs@gmail.com or on the web at DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                       How Does Pride Effect Our Relationship With Others

                                                       Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D, MFT

     Why is it is easy for us to detect pride in others but fail to see it in ourselves? Possibly it is because it is difficult for us to look inward and evaluate ourselves. President Ezra Taft Benson delivered his classic discourse on pride in general conference April, 1989.  He explained that many are sinning in ignorance. But to be enlightened, we have only to ask ourselves a number of questions posed by President Benson, and the answers can be quite revealing. For example:

1. Are there people who we hate, disdain, and simply cannot tolerate?
2. Are we conceited and think ourselves as better than others?
3. Are we arrogant, self-serving, and critical of others?
4. Are we offended easily and do we hold grudges?
5. Are we critical and judgmental?
6. Do we chaff when people in authority tell us what to do?
7. Do we resent counsel and advice from others?
8. Are we envious of those with wealth, beauty, and\or fame?
9. Are we content with being who we are and in our place in life?
10. Are we argumentative and contentious?
11. If we see others succeeding, do we then see ourselves as failures?
12. De we rationalize our faults and failures?

     President Benson stated that “God will have a humble people.” We can either choose to be humble, or we can have experiences that will compel us to be humble. We can choose to be humble by doing the following:

1. Accept counsel from the Lord, the prophets, and priesthood leaders.
2. Forgive quickly.
3. Be happy for others’ good fortune.
4. Be quick to help others.
5. Serve in the temple more frequently
6. Confess and forsake our sins speedily.
7. Submit our wills to God’s will and to His perfect timing.
8. Yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit.
9. Agree quickly with others with empathy; show that you understand others’ points of view while they may not necessarily conform to yours.
10. Turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, or in other words, allow yourself to be inconvenienced without resentment.
11. Avoid unnecessary debt and live within your means.
12. Freely pay tithes and offerings.
13. Serve others without expecting rewards in return.
14. Serve faithfully in church callings and  seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
15. Continue to grow in charity, the pure love of Christ. 

     President Benson emphasized that those who are striving to have successful marriages, happy homes, those who are grateful people, kind employers, hard working employees, friendly neighbors are those who are humble followers of Christ seeking to establish Zion.

  

Adulation Is Poison

David and Marva Coombs

     Children want to be told they are loved, are valued, and are special.  When they work hard to achieve, to do their best, and to accomplish much good, their efforts need to be acknowledged.  However, adulation occurs when parents and others heap excessive praise and flattery on their children.  We see dramatic examples of adulation when fans literally worship athletes, movie stars, and rock stars.  

     One public example of adulation gone amiss was in 1986 when the Beatles bragged they had become “more popular than Jesus” (Wikipedia,”More popular than Jesus,” main page).  It backfired.  People were outraged. The Beatles popularity plummeted and tours had to be cancelled.  This gives credence to the famous adage, “Pride goeth before the fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

     Adulation is heady; recipients of all ages find it difficult to stay grounded and humble.  Most find it hard to maintain emotional balance when they are given exaggerated positive attention.  Those who are rich, famous, and/or beautiful struggle with pride and few escape untouched.  Too much praise and too many compliments actually harm all people on every level.  

     While excessive praise can damage children, some parents, unfortunately, go to the opposite extreme; they feel it is their responsibility to remind their children that, while they may have succeeded in something, they are still inferior, inadequate, or unattractive.  Parents do so thinking they are protecting their children from becoming conceited, from getting a big head.  

     In reality, the children may get the message that they can never measure up, can never do anything right.  Parents must find the balance between “You’re the best.” and “Don’t get a big head.”  Whatever is said, praise must be real and genuine.

     Consider these appropriate examples of praise: 1. “Congratulations on being crowned homecoming queen.  What makes you so lovely to us is not only your God-given gift of physical beauty but also your ability to be kind and thoughtful of others.”  2.  “We are proud of your working so hard on your school work.  We love seeing you discipline yourself in your studies and also appreciate your willingness to help others in your classes who are struggling.”   3. “Receiving the award for most valuable player is a real honor.  We are proud of you.  You worked hard for this and you deserve it.  What we also like is that you are a team player and inspire others to play their best.”  

These comments acknowledge children’s accomplishments and recognize their good behaviors without using comparatives like, “You’re the best.”  For most  good behavior, smiles or a simple “nice work” are all that’s needed.

     Some families display trophies, ribbons, diplomas, and certificates of achievements of their children’s accomplishments.  None of these things are necessarily examples of adulation gone awry.  Balance is evident when children are taught gratitude and give credit to supportive parents, friends, teachers, coaches, team mates--when they express gratitude for divine assistance that came in answer to urgent prayers.  

     The story is told that in ancient Rome, when the conquering hero rode through the streets basking in the wild cheers of the people, a companion rode along side him in the chariot and continuously whispered in his ear, “You are not a God, but only His servant.”

     When people think they are better than others, they make themselves exceptions to rules and cross boundaries of integrity and appropriate behavior.  No one is immune.  When praise is received, the safest response is to quietly and politely say thank you and then don’t believe it, knowing that adulation is poison.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual counselor with a private practice in Washington City.  He and his wife Marva write articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family life.  Contact them at 435-705-3579 or DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or www.DrDavidCoombs.com.

Adulation is Poison-Don’t Believe it!

David and Marva Coombs

     Heaping praise upon others is dangerous both to those who bestow it but particularly is harmful to those who receive it. The best thing people can do is not to seek fame in the first place. If fame and glory does come, people should shrug it off, knowing it is most often the position that is praised, not them. Above all, they should not believe all the wonderful things that are said about them. When people start believing they are the best, the greatest, the finest and the most loved above all, they are on the crest of a wave of popularity which is temporary and  crashes on the beach and is gone. Those who are famous now will soon be forgotten; vanity will swamp others for a season.

     While the popular phrase,“Pride goeth before the fall” is true, the actual Biblical verse is even more powerful, “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before the fall” (Proverbs 16:18). People who want to be famous really don’t understand the destructive forces that await them.

Of course, people should work hard, achieve and do wonderful things, but it is also vitally important that they maintain humility and that they remember they are terribly human. They must never forget that their gifts come from God; they must understand that they are not better, not more worthy, not more entitled to anything than other people. The Apostle Paul said, “For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself” (Galations 6:3).    

     Look what adulation has done to famous movie stars, models, athletes, rock stars and politicians. Many think they do whatever they want, can have whatever they want. But they do so at a high price; in fact, they often lose those things that are most valuable like their families. Those who are lifted up in pride are damaged spiritually. The Savior said, “For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?” (Matthew 16:26). Many have have sold their souls for popularity.

     Note that the Ten Commandments begin with,“Thou shalt have no other Gods before me” (Exodus 20:3). Fame is a god that many choose to worship. Additionally, it can be destructive for people to worship the famous. To do so is to worship gods with feet of clay.

     The scriptures document examples of the effects of adulation. King Saul enjoyed fame and good fortune and thought he could do no wrong. But his fame went to his head and when he disobeyed God, the Lord sent his prophet Samuel to Saul.  Samuel said, “For thou has rejected the word of the Lord and the Lord hath rejected thee” (I Samuel 15:26). 

     King David was chosen to take Saul’s place, but he too failed the test when he allowed his fame and power to affect his thinking. When he saw the beautiful Bathsheba, he lusted after her. As king, he felt he could take whatever he wanted. Because of his pride, he lost all. (See II Samuel 11-12).

     Few people can handle the intoxicating power, the headiness, that comes from fan’s heaping adulation upon them. They lose perspective and think they are above the law. The lack of humility causes them to think of themselves as better and more important than others. They become arrogant, thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish, egotistical and self-centered.

     Wisdom teaches us not to seek adulation; it is poison. Rather than seeking other’s adoration, the worthier goal is to so live as to have God pleased with us. We may never be popular and may stand alone among our peers, but we will have peace of conscience and the approval of our Heavenly Father. Fame is temporary, but life with God is forever. The Savior said: ‘He that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted” (Luke 18:14).

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. He and his wife Marva write articles together and offer presentations on marriage and family life. Call 435-705-3579  or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or visit www.DrDavidCoombs.com. 

Many Divorces Are Unnecessary

by David and Marva Coombs

     A woman in an imperfect 20-year-old marriage counseled with me as her therapist as she struggled with the decision to divorce.  She was sad and lonely.  She had made valiant efforts to re-vitalize her marriage, but nothing worked.  She felt rebuffed, rejected, and angry for her husband’s lack of response.

     Yet, her husband was not terribly mean or cruel.  He took passive delight in their four children, but he left the parenting up to her.  He had a very successful career which was his life. He was a good provider, and they lived comfortably. 

     She wanted an emotional and spiritual connection.  She wanted romance and excitement, but he wasn’t interested.  

     The wife wanted them both to be actively involved in church activities, to attend plays and musicals, and to get together with old friends.  Again, he wasn’t interested, but he encouraged her to do all these things if they were important to her. 

I acknowledged her marriage lacked sparkle but was not convinced that divorce would be in her best interest.  I asked, “How many wives are given financial freedom and time to do whatever they like?”  I reasoned with her as follows:   

1. She was free to raise her children with all the time and love she wished to give them.
2. She was free to bond with other women and enjoy cultural and social events.  She could pursue educational dreams or a career.  She could be as active as she wanted in her church and in community service. 
3. She could release herself from trying to change a husband who didn’t want to change.  This would lift a big burden from her and would allow her to be more content and grateful for her life and to make the best of what she had.

On the other hand, if she divorced, she could expect:

1. A nasty court battle.  Divorces are painful, emotionally devastating, and expensive. 
2. He would likely become angry and think she was ungrateful for all he had provided for her; he might hide money and assets to prevent her from getting her fair share.
3. She would probably have to work to support herself and her children.
4. She would have little time to enjoy educational, cultural, or social pursuits.
5. She would not be free to be as active as she would like in church and community service. 
6. The divorce would devastate the children and would have a negative impact upon them.  While he was a passive dad, he was still their Dad and they loved him. 
7. There is no guarantee she would marry again, and no promise a second marriage would turn out to be what she wanted.

     As she continued in counseling, she learned she had to be responsible for her own happiness.  Instead of looking at the things missing in her marriage, she became grateful for the freedom her husband afforded her.   He was not that abusive or controlling.  Her circumstances could have been much worse.  While hers wasn’t a super marriage, it wasn’t that awful either.   Many unhappy wives would be willing to trade places with her. 

     She originally sought counseling for approval to divorce, but in the process of her therapy, she came to the conclusion that her divorce was unnecessary.  In fact, professional literature confirms that most divorces are unnecessary and that the pain of divorce is greater than the pain of the marriage.  In fact, studies reveal that couples contemplating divorce who re-commit to their marriages often become very happy.

Dr Coombs is in private practice as marriage, family and individual therapist in Washington City. He and his wife Marva wife articles together and offer free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or go to www.DrDavidCoombs.com. 

Considering a divorce? Stop! Wait!

David and Marva Coombs

     Obviously, those considering divorce are hurting. No shield protects them from the pain of being rejected by someone whom they trusted would love them forever. In their hurt, they strike out and say and do things they may later regret. In their pain, they think they would be happier if they were single again. However, research shows that most people who divorce will remain unhappy, depressed and lonely long after the divorce. Wars with ex-spouses continue: financial problems increase and conflicts intensify.

     A number of years ago, we talked with folks who were dear to us. They had both divorced their first companions and had been married to one another about six years. They had a good marriage, but both expressed their regrets for the costs of their divorces, particularly the emotional cost to their children.  Both also said they had divorced too fast with little thought of the consequences. Then they said, “We needn’t have divorced.”  

     Many people have mixed feelings about their divorces and express regrets. They wish they had been more patient, more forgiving and more willing to work things out.Three out of four divorced couples eventually remarry. However, second marriages have even higher divorce rates than first ones.

     It’s hard to work through difficult marriages, but it is also hard to work through divorces. Many couples that seriously considered divorce are now happy after taking classes on strengthening marriage to learn what it takes to have successful marriages. 

Research has shown that those couples in unhappy marriages who recommitted to their partners reported they were happy within five years. Some--often those with the worst problems--reported being very happy. They were glad they didn’t divorce. They had conquered even serious problems such as infidelity, addictions, and emotional neglect. (The Case for Marriage, 148.)

     One myth about divorce is that children will be better off without having parents in constant conflict. Research does not bear this out. Most of the time, children are shocked and devastated when  parents announce their desire to divorce. These children would be better off if their parents sought counseling, resolved their differences and stayed married. Of course, in a few situations including sustained physical and emotional abuse, divorces may be necessary.

     Unfortunately, few married couples take classes to improve their marriages. Few read books to enhance their relationships. Few seek the help of trained marriage counselors even when they are available at little or no expense. Even if couples spent several hundred dollars on counseling, it is still very cost effective compared to the expense of divorce. 

     Utah State University extension services has an office in St. George and offer free classes on “How Not to Marry a Jerk or Jerkette” and also offer marriage improvement courses. Free dinners and baby sitting are provided. (Call 435-634-2692 for more information.) 

     Also. local churches offer free classes on Strengthening Marriage and Family. These classes are not just for those having problems, but also for those who simply want to have the best marriages possible.

     Those who are considering divorce should stop, wait and reconsider before they proceed into what may be a very big mistake that will have serious emotional, spiritual and financial consequences for themselves and for their children. The fact is that most divorces are not necessary.

(Many concepts for this article was gleaned from a publication produced by the State of Utah entitled “Should I keep Trying to Work it out?” For additional help go to www.utahmarriage.org.)

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual counselor. He and his wife Marva give free presentations on marriage and family life. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web at www.DrDavidCoombs.com

Seeking Job Security In Marriage

David and Marva Coombs

What if marriages were compared to employment? Those wanting job security do everything morally possible to win the confidence of their employers and work hard to be indispensable to the success of their businesses. Shouldn’t the same principle apply to our marriages? If so, we would do everything we could to please our spouses, so they would see us as indispensable to the success of our marriages and their happiness.

If workers are habitually late to work, take more time for lunch than allotted, and leave work early, they will most likely lose their jobs. And how would husbands and wives feel if their spouses were thoughtlessly and habitually late and did not honor their appointments with each other.

How long would workers keep their jobs if they had to be told again and again how to do their work. Bosses and spouses appreciate workers and companions who diligently and creatively do their part without being told or reminded.

Company loyalty is appreciated and so is loyalty in marriage. Wise employees want to make their employers look good to others. The same is true in marriage. Successful partners do not complain, criticize, or embarrass their companions; they do all they can to protect their sweethearts’ feelings and to build their esteem.

Workers who respect the company’s assets and work to maximize profits are rewarded. Couples are rewarded when family resources are used wisely and money is spent following mutually agreed upon budgets. Serious strains are put upon marriages when one partner spends money independently without the approval of the other. Would workers last long if they spent their employers’ money without prior approval?

Employers appreciate workers who work well with others and build an atmosphere of cooperation, courtesy, and good will.  Employees would not keep their jobs if they got angry at their employers, argued with them, called them names, were rude, insensitive, and contentious. These same considerations apply to couples. Anger is destructive and corrosive at work and at home.

Marriages work best when partners are committed to the success of their relationships and do as much for each other as they would for their employers. Spouses who are honest and open with each other create an atmosphere of trust and confidence. While the “I Love Lucy” TV series of the 1950s was comical, it was also troublesome because nearly every episode featured Lucy or Ricky being deceitful and dishonest. Dishonesty doesn’t win friends at work or at home.

What if husbands hid golf clubs in the trunks of their cars and used them to play golf on company time? What if they lied about these extended breaks not only to their bosses but also to their wives?  What if stay-at-home wives frivolously spent hours reading novels, watching TV or playing games on the internet when they should be maintaining their homes? Bosses, husbands and wives are disappointed and disgusted by deception.

What if washing machines need repairs but husbands refuse to either repair them or to call repairmen? What if wives are slow to respond to husbands’ requests for mending?  If these lapses in consideration were common in the workplace, how long would they keep their jobs?

How do wives feel when they find pornography hidden in the home or see pornographic sites in their computers’ history? Unemployment usually follows if this happens at work. Wives may also consider ending their marriages if the practice does not stop. 

Employees who work hard for the success of their companies secure their jobs. Husbands and wives who work hard to please one another secure their marriages. And both husbands and wives are happy and proud of their good relationships.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. He and his wife Marva give free presentations on marriage and family. Call 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or visit www.DrDavidCoombs.com.

Boundaries Necessary to Prevent Costly and Painful affairs

David and Marva Coombs

Too many people give in to the temptation to look past their spouses and to notice others who appear more interesting, more attractive, more responsive to their needs, more willing to listen, more empathic, more understanding, and even more in need of their love. This sounds absurd and most of us think this would never happen to us because of our determination to keep our marital vows.   However, the reality is that adultery happens often and entices those who believed it could not happen to them. And it is devastating to everyone involved. But there is a solution: people can establish boundaries that make it clear that they are not available for any inappropriate relationships. By doing so, they protect themselves from liaisons that may jeopardize their marriages, their children, and their careers. Here are some suggestions that may help couples avoid being unfaithful to their spouse.

Dress modestly; avoid clothing and styles that are provocative and that say, “I’m available; I’m looking.” Quickly dismiss inappropriate and lustful thoughts and avoid anything that feeds them. 

Limit the amount of time spent alone with anyone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse: i.e. don’t share rides to work or to church; don’t go on errands, to lunch, to lectures, or to social activities with members of the opposite sex to whom you are not married. Don’t share intimate details regarding your personal lives. Don’t give or receive personal compliments, personal gifts, or special favors that may be mis-interpreted.

Men cross lines when they tell their lovely, attractive co-workers, “My wife doesn’t understand me. She’s not as sensitive to my needs as you are. She doesn’t take care of herself as well as you do.” Not only is this an unfair comparison but it is also an invitation that can lead to chaos and heart break. 

Husbands also cross lines when they try to rescue female associates in trouble. Men can refer these women to helping agencies. They should never go alone to a woman’s home to help out or to fix a few things. 

These situations may, of course, be reversed and may apply to women as well to men.

Some people greet  others with hugs and kisses on cheeks. Such greetings can be appropriate; however, some are too intimate and generate uncomfortable feelings. All of us must use caution and block any greetings that seem to go to far. 

All people like approval of, validation from, and acceptance by others, but if these desires are too strong, they can lead insecure people to want everyone to think they are attractive. Those going through mid-life crises may be particularly vulnerable because they wonder if they are still desirable. Some flirt and make comments with sexual innuendoes yet believe they are impervious to any consequences. This is a mistake; there are always consequences.

Pride interferes with sound thinking. Whenever people think they are exceptions to the rules, they have crossed lines; they are in danger. Rules are simply boundaries that keep us safe. 

Those with their boundaries firmly in place are spared the pain, embarrassment, remorse, and possibly even divorce caused by infidelity.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. He and his wife Marva give free presentations on marriage and family. Phone 435-705-3579 or email to DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or visit his website at DrDavidCoombs.com.

Overcoming Depression

Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D, MFT

     Everyone experiences periods of depression. It goes with being mortal. In the October General Conference of 2013, Elder Jeffry R. Holland said major bouts of depression, be they short lived or chronic, seem to be the lot of most, if not all, people. He spoke of his own battle with a major depressive episode. 

     The title of his talk, “Like a Broken Vessel,” provided the metaphor that describes how people feel, at times, broken. And they fear they may never become whole again.

Speaking out of his own experience, Elder Holland gave encouragement to others who are hit with these psychic blows.  He advised them to consider the following:  take time to rest and to “not run faster than they have strength” (Mosiah 4:27); to ask for priesthood blessings; to seek the aide of professional counselors and medical doctors; to hold on to their faith in the Living Christ; and to not lose hope. 

     All people, when experiencing difficulties and challenging times, may benefit from repeating to themselves an ancient proverb, “This too shall pass.” The dark night will eventually give way to the bright morning of another day.  When the prophet Joseph Smith was deep in despair he received a revelation which is recorded in Section 122 of the Doctrine and Covenants, verse seven: “all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”

     Depressed people want to pull away from others, to isolate themselves, and to hide. This may be necessary for a time. They need the patience of non-judgmental, loving family members and dear friends who will not insist that they put on a false front and pretend all is well when it is not. 

However, after they have sufficient rest, have sessions with professional counselors, have the benefit of medications or a change in diets, after they have fasted, prayed, and given thanks to the Master Healer, if they have not yet done so, then they need to analyze the way their thinking has contributed to their depression. 

     In his book, Feeling Good, Dr. David Burns teaches the importance of trading depressive thought patterns for ways of thinking that bring relief and hope. He emphasizes we are the sum total of our thoughts and what we are feeling is often a result of what we are telling ourselves; our moods and our dark feelings are a result of our own poor self talk. Every action is preceded by a thought. People can interpret events so that they conclude that they are worthless, of course, that leads to depression. However, they can overcome their depression by choosing to think more rational thoughts that will lead to their feeling valued and worthwhile. To do this they need to identify how they think themselves into despair.

     Dr. Burns identifies ten ways people do their depression:

1. Think in terms of all or nothing, black or white, success or failure with nothing   allowed in between. One student got a “B” in one class and “A”s in all the others. He was depressed because he wasn’t perfect. He had to have all “A”s to consider himself a successful student.
2. Overgeneralize events, for example, a boy asked one girl for a date and she politely said no. The boy saw this as proof that all girls hate him; he will never marry; he might as well face the truth that he is worthless.
3. Use a mental filter to pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their thinking is distorted. A woman shamed herself for being ten pounds over-weight and refused to be comforted.
4. Disqualify any positives by saying that the good things they have done don’t count. They say things like, “When friends try to give me assurance, they are just trying to be nice. If they knew all the dirty truth about me, they would reject me.”
5. Jump to conclusions. Because one person doesn’t like them, that  proves that no one likes them. Some see themselves as mind readers who are absolutely sure that, while people are being nice, they have ulterior motives.
6. Awfulize or take something that is unfortunate and make it much worse than it really is. A man found bird poop on his car and said, “This kind of thing happens to me all the time and it’s not fair.” 
7. Exaggerate the importance of certain feelings that they even say things that make them appear odd: “I feel the world is coming to an end; since that’s what I feel, then it is true.”
8. Frequently use the words “should” and “ought” to create unnecessary guilt. They feel the only way out of their depression is to live a perfect life. But because people are not perfect and never will be, they see no way out of their depression.
9. Use the negative power of labels to call themselves “Losers,” “Dead Beats,” or “Worthless.” For example, a woman may say, “I am a bad mother. If I were a good mother, my boy would be a better student.” 
10. Grant themselves awesome powers by thinking if they had only said the right thing, at the right time, or had taken the right action, they could have prevented a catastrophe from happening. Some label themselves “Stupid” and hold on to the regret that their lack of action is the cause that others are in great pain. “If I had called or visited when I was prompted, my friend would not have committed suicide. It’s all my fault.”

     So what is the answer? How do people overcome their negative thinking that leads, in part, to their depression? The answer is simple, but it requires hard work that only they can do. They must identify how they use one or more of these methods to do their depression.  Anyone thinking irrational thoughts will be depressed. So the answer is for people to challenge illogical and destructive ways of thinking. One effective strategy is to keep a daily journal and to write out negative thought patterns; this shows clearly how they participate in creating their own depressions. 

     After identifying irrational thoughts, they write out how they wished they had thought and acted. In later similar situations, they will have the opportunity to do what they have planned. They vigorously challenge themselves to stop their inappropriate thinking and practice thinking more rationally. Be aware that many depressed people will not take this advice. They may fight it, resist it, and do nothing. They may find excuses to convince themselves that this will not work. People will say things like, “I don’t feel like doing this.” “This is too hard.” “I am helpless, powerless, and I simply don’t have the energy to do what it takes.” “How do you expect me to do this when I am feeling so depressed?” “Yes but...”

     The slightest efforts reap rewards. Just getting off the couch or out of bed and going for a walk brings blessings. Breakthroughs occur when depressed people say, “I think I can do this. I might as well try something. I hate being depressed. This advice just might work for me. What if I get Dr. Burns book, Feeling Good and read it and get more ideas on ways to think differently? It just may help me.”

     Some might say, “Do I have to write in a journal. Couldn’t I just process these ideas in my mind?”  No! There is power in writing out how depression is done. Whether on paper or on the computer screen, seeing their thoughts in black and white is powerful. Additionally, they can talk with others they trust who can help them recognize more rational ways to think. Right thinking begins with the words they say to themselves. If they don’t think they can do it, they are right. But if they think they can, then there is hope. As they act on the possibilities, people will continue to move forward till they have found relief by learning the language of faith both in themselves and in their Creator. 

     Abraham Lincoln is credited with this thought: “You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be.” That is true!

     Just as people can think themselves into a depressed state, they can also think the right thoughts that lead them to a life of increased confidence; they will know they are people of worth. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.” People are responsible for their own happiness. No one can make them happy. It really is their choice. 

Dr Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor in Washington, Utah. He and his wife Marva publish articles together and give free presentations on marriage and family. Call (435) 705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or go to the web DrDavidCoombs.com.

How do we forgive ourselves? by Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D. MFC

How do we forgive ourselves?

Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D. MFC

All of us make mistakes, some serious ones. In spite of going through the steps of repentance, including confessing, forsaking, and diligently serving others, far too many people refuse to be comforted. It is as if they are saying that the Savior's atonement is not enough to cover their sins and that they have not suffered sufficiently to become worthy.                                                                                                            When people refuse to forgive themselves for remitted sins, (sins that have been confessed and forsaken), they are denying the power of our Redeemer.  Instead of listening to the voice of the Good Shepherd, who freely forgives as often as we sincerely repent, (Mosiah 26:22,30) they hearken to the voice of Satan who would have them believe they are not good enough to have their guilt removed.

Hasn’t Satan won a great victory when he convinces people that the Lord did indeed atone for the sins of all mankind, BUT his atonement does not apply personally to them?  It is as if some single themselves out and egotistically make themselves the one grand exception to the infinite and merciful plan of redemption. They convince themselves that their sins are so uniquely gross that they do not qualify for the Savior's love. Perhaps, we all limit His love to some degree.

The great message of the scriptures is: just as the Apostle Paul, who before his conversion persecuted the Christians and gave assent to the killing of Stephen, was pained by his former sins no more (Acts 8 & 9), so we too can be freed of our guilt. Just as Moses, who killed an Egyptian task master, was pained by his former sins and sought forgiveness, so can we also enjoy the same blessing of freedom from pain (Exodus 2). Just as Peter, who persistently denied the Christ three times (Luke 22 & John 21) was assured of the Lord's forgiveness and was encircled in the arms of His love, so can we feel those same arms around us.  While we may know this intellectually, we may be fighting within ourselves emotionally by doubting our worthiness and convincing ourselves we don't qualify for Christ's atonement.

 All people have running conversations within, and all too often they are unkind, harsh, and unforgiving of themselves. When people are steeped in negative self-talk, they come to the unfortunate conclusion that the very core of who they are is not of much worth. They quickly look to their foolish sins, of which we all have many, and view them as evidence that they are not good or at least not good enough.

To apply the atoning blood of Christ, people must repent not only of their sinful behavior but also of their sinful negative thinking. For example, when people recall past remitted sins, instead of reliving the horror and the pain, they must practice saying, "STOP!  I have repented of those sins. I refuse to beat on myself. I have been redeemed by the blood of Christ. I rely upon the mercies of Him who has paid the full price for my sins. I will not allow Satan to rob me of my peace. I am grateful for a merciful God who has set me free.” 

  As people accept themselves as flawed but lovable, they are not only released from a terrible burden, but they also lift a great burden off their families. A huge barrier is broken.  Finally, families feel whole and complete as all experience the most marvelous of all marvelous feelings: having the unnecessary guilt of forgiven sins swept away.

(Dr. Coombs is a therapist in private practice. His website is: DrDavidCoombs.com.)