Making Valentines Day easy
David and Marva Coombs
I counseled with a husband who was reluctant to romance his wife; I asked him to explain his fears about courting his sweetheart. He said he just didn’t see himself as the romantic type. He felt awkward doing things he had heard that other men do for their wives, particularly at Valentines. He reasoned that jewelry, flowers, candy, movie or a concert and dinner at a restaurant were all too expensive. And he was not about to write love letters because his handwriting was illegible and his spelling was awful. He didn’t know any poetry, and she would probably laugh at his silly attempts to write something mushy.
He continued, “Besides, she knows I love her. I shouldn’t have to buy her expensive gifts to prove it. I feel I am being manipulated into doing something that is unnecessary and costly.” I assured him he was not being manipulated, but he was being invited to join with others in an international holiday for couples to express their love for each other. I said, “Your wife is entitled to small gifts of appreciation and sweet expressions of love. And they don’t have to be costly.”
He rambled on, “The bottom line is I am afraid I wouldn’t do any of this romantic stuff right, and I would feel stupid. I fear failure. So the safest thing for me to do is to do nothing.” In his frustration he stated, “Why doesn’t she accept me just the way I am?”
I asked the wife what she expected from her husband. She said, “I need to feel loved and special. When I tell him this, he looks at me with those eyes that say, ‘I don’t know if I can give you what you want.’ I say nothing because I want him to show his love for me and not do some thing I tell him to do because then it won’t mean as much. If I tell him, then he’ll be doing it because I told him to do it.” Her attitude reflected the romantic myth that people in love simply know what the other is thinking.
I invited her to re-consider her self-imposed rule. I told her she needs to state clearly what she wants. “He can’t read your mind. If your husband is not aware of your thoughts, dreams and hopes, how will he ever know how to be successful as your loving husband? He thinks he has to dazzle you with a lot of expensive activities and gifts which he can’t afford. And if he doesn’t do it just right, he fears you will be disappointed and be critical of his efforts. And his worst fears will have been realized; he will have failed. Is that what you want?”
She turned to her husband and said, “This is what I want. You don’t have to bring me a bouquet of flowers; a single rose would warm my heart. I don’t need a whole box of chocolates but giving me my favorite ice cream would be super. I love having not to cook, but if a restaurant costs too much then bringing home a dinner from Kentucky Fried would be great. I’ll set the table nicely and we’ll eat by candle light. Movies can be expensive but a romantic DVD rental would be perfect, and we could watch it as we cuddle on the couch. While I would cherish love letters, a special card signed by you would be something I would save. Hugs and kisses and sweet nothings whispered in my ear telling me I am beautiful will make me melt in your arms.”
He responded, “I didn’t know it would be that simple. This will make you feel loved and special? This I can do.”
Blessed are those who make efforts, great or small, to send the important message that they deeply care for and love those who are special in their lives. When husbands and wives ask one another what they would really like, they are saying, “I love you.” When folks love each other, they need to say so, to show their love with tender deeds, to give gifts and to hold their loved ones in their arms and kiss them. Now that doesn’t sound too hard does it? Happy Valentines!
Dr. Coombs is a marriage, family and individual therapists. Call 435-272-4292. Email to dmcoombs@gmail.com. or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.
