Senior Couples Divorce Rates Increase

David and Marva Coombs

It is estimated that 800,000 senior citizens will divorce this year. Why are so many older couples divorcing after thirty or more years of marriage? Unfortunately, these divorces are a result of lack of fulfillment which become obvious when the children are gone.  Some couples plan years ahead that once the children are out of the house, they will no longer put-up with each other; consequently, they stop investing energy into their marriages.

These parents think that if they postpone their divorce until the children are gone, it won’t be so upsetting to the children. They think when children are adults, they will be mature enough to understand and cope with their parents’ break-ups. 

The truth is divorce is devastating to children regardless of their ages. For example, Becky was away at college when she received the news that her parents were divorcing. The news was shocking. It was unbelievable!  As the truth eventually sank in, it turned her world upside down. She was so devastated that she was barely able to finish her semester. With Mom and Dad divorcing, the family dynamics changed completely. Becky wondered about family gatherings for birthdays, anniversaries and reunions? Which parent would she stay with? She wondered if her parents divorce will effect her ability to have a stable marriage. Will she do the same thing when she marries? Unfortunately, studies show it is likely she will follow her parents example.

Divorce is nearly always a shock. The covenant of marriage is supposed to last forever giving children the secure feeling that parents will always be together and will unitedly be there for them 

Children believe their parents will be the rock that is firm and steadfast and be the foundation upon which they can always depend. Take away the foundation and everything falls apart.

No one likes to hear senior couples arguing, bickering and finding fault. Some couples don’t fight openly but are emotionally distant, have given up sexual intimacy, yet maintain the appearance that all is well. For the sake of the children, they put up a false front by being cordial and polite to each other in public but privately they live without romance. They feel obligated not to announce the divorce till they have patiently loved the children and sent them off on their own.

One couple, recognizing their marriage was heading for disaster, said, “We have to call the war off. We are better than this. We need to forgive one another and put aside our hurt feelings and our pride. What we are doing to each other is selfish, immature, and simply not right. We both have to stop being unkind and distant emotionally and sexually.”

This couple came to counseling knowing that divorce was not the answer, and they were motivated to change. They learned that love is a daily decision. They realized they had a choice of what they said and how they behaved. They knew right from wrong. They were willing to change by looking inwardly instead of blaming their spouse.

While they came from divorced parents, they knew they didn’t have to repeat that pattern. They knew how to live better. They began to educate their feelings of love for each other again. 

When they first met, the chemistry had been powerful and falling in love just happened. When they first began to reconstruct their earlier feelings, it was hard. But they got their love back by doing kind and loving behaviors. Even though they felt at first they were just going through the motions, as they continued to court each other, they began to feel positive and loving emotions for each other again.

Spouses doing little things that express the all important message that they care means the whole world to those they love. Every kind word, every thoughtful deed, every tender touch generates loving feelings. Keeping the courtship alive prevents marriages from deteriorating.

Even when couples feel there is no hope for their marriages, they can learn that there is always hope. The prices are too high and the cost is too great for couples to even consider divorce. They owe it to themselves, their children, grandchildren and to generations yet unborn to be better examples, they can put aside their pride and work with faith and energy to have sweet, loving and beautiful marriages. 

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.

 

Creating a life full of contentment

David and Marva Coombs

Many find it difficult to be content in a culture where most people are convinced that more is better. As people compare themselves to others, they invariably feel the pain of discontent. How many people can say they are content with their lives? Too many define happiness as somewhere in the future. The common mantra is “I will be so happy when--” 

People could cry out to God to make them especially beautiful without knowing the challenges and problems that plague those who are. People could demand a strong, healthy and athletic body, free from disease, aches and pains but then lose the lessons to be learned from dealing with imperfection. People could ask why they were not gifted mentally or musically or however else they desire as they compare themselves to others.  But comparisons are usually faulty because most people don’t recognize their own talents and gifts. They could also ask why they were not born into wealth as others have been. Why couldn’t they at least enjoy a nicer income than that which they have now? 

Charles H. Spurgeon said: “You say, ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.’ You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled. It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness” (Internet site: Christian Quotes on Gratitude, p1).

What would happen if people were content in their current circumstances; for example, if the past election did not turn out the way they wanted, could they be content with life just as things are without requiring anything to be different? Could we be like Paul who said, “I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content (Philippians 4:11). True contentment comes from accepting the good in our lives and saying it is sufficient. It is having the confidence that God is in charge and knows full well what our needs are and that He will provide in due time. 

Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13). Having the faith that God is in the details of our lives gives us the confidence to know that, as we seek His help, challenges will eventually work out for our good. 

It is important for people to dream, to be well-educated and to grow in knowledge and Godly attributes. Satisfaction comes as they set worthy goals, work hard and achieve them; however, it is also important that they plan in pencil. Life is full of surprises; people enjoy their lives best when they surrender their wills to God’s will. Those with faith understand that God knows and loves them intimately; the struggles they face teach them the very things necessary to make their lives on earth complete. 

People could chaff and get angry at God when His tutorials are not to their liking. In place of wrestling with God, they will find peace as they let go of their angst and nestle into the arms of His love. People would experience less anxiety and depression if they let go of their doubts and fears and allowed a wave of God’s love and peace to wash over them, leaving them contented. 

The big question we all need to ask is what does God want us to learn from our unique circumstances? Could it be that the one great lesson He wants us all to learn is to accept gratefully what we have been given? Could we find happiness in the here and now? No doubt He wants us to take off the blinders hiding the blessings we currently enjoy? 

God wants us to experience the peace that comes from flooding our minds with thoughts like: “Life is good. Life is beautiful just as it is, even with all of its problems and challenges. I am happy being who I am, doing what I am doing; I don’t need anything to be different for me to be happy. I’ll pursue my goals, but I don’t have to achieve them to be happy. I can take joy in the adventure. God is good; with Him I can do all things. I have sufficient. I am content.” 

Learning to be content may not be an event so much as it is a process. For now, may we all  engage in this vital quest of “letting go and letting God” which helps us create lives of contentment. 

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com. 

Developing an attitude of gratitude

       In a previous article, we discussed how appropriate it is that we begin the holiday season with Thanksgiving.  Someone said that gratitude is the gateway to heaven and is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others. We all work harder when people express their love and appreciation to us for our efforts. It feels good to see others’ eyes sparkle when we express our appreciation to them?

Every marriage is blessed when spouses declare their gratitude for each other. Every family member shines as parents freely express gratitude to their children and as children express appreciation to their parents. Homes where this is done seem all ablaze with love.

In their anecdotes, those who have died and been resuscitated impressively speak of the intense love they felt while they briefly visited the spirit world. Upon returning to mortality, they emphasize their love for family and friends. They are more affectionate, tender and grateful individuals, and sometimes manifest complete character reversals. We can learn from their experiences and examples by giving up our petty hurts and grudges and by counting our blessings.

 Gratitude, a divine gift, can be cultivated by expressing thanks in all things and at all times. While we cannot expect to be happy all the time, it is possible to be happy most of the time as we maintain hearts full of appreciation. Giving thanks can dispel gloom and despair.  It is difficult to be depressed and be full of thanksgiving at the same time. Gratitude is synonymous with rejoicing in the Lord for all that we have.  It cultivates a spirit of abundance even when we are economically poor. Posting Psalms 118:24 somewhere in our homes can provide us with this daily reminder: “This is the day the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”

The Savior healed ten men of dreaded leprosy, and the story teaches us the importance of gratitude. (Luke 17:11-19). What a life-changing experience this must have been for those men! As lepers they were outcasts of society, suffering from a disease for which there was no cure and cut off from family and friends. Think what it must have been like to be isolated from everyone, never feeling the warmth of a hug or a tender touch from loved ones, and having to warn people to maintain their distance by crying, “Unclean, Unclean!” That was all changed in an instant.

Of course, those healed went away rejoicing. Yet of the ten who were so miraculously healed, only one returned to give thanks and “to give glory to God.” The Savior, who must have felt hurt and disappointed, asked a penetrating question, “Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine” (Luke 17:19).

How often has God performed miracles in our lives that we have barely noticed? We don’t want to lack gratitude like the nine who failed to give thanks for being healed. What spectacular moments or quiet miracles can we acknowledge this Thanksgiving season and every day? 

God has promised us the abundant life as we give thanks for the gift of His son. We praise Him for His love. When we pray, we first give thanks for our blessings before seeking His  help with those issues troubling us. As often as our petitions are granted, may we rush to give thanks to God and to acknowledge His hand in all things. It is amazing how an attitude of gratitude can lead us into a life of near perpetual joy.

Why do we often feel insignificant?

         When we look at the vast number of of stars in the sky and read scientific reports that numberless galaxies and solar systems exist capable of sustaining earths like our own, we wonder and question what our place is among God’s creations. The Apostle Paul stated that God, by His son, “made the worlds” (Hebrews 1:2). It is easy to feel insignificant because we mortals have difficulty wrapping our minds around the idea that, with so many earths and with so many people, our Heavenly Father could have time to care for and to love each one of us. 

On a smaller scale, as people take their turns on this earth, many find themselves battling feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem. It begins with criticism at home. Then people work their way through elementary, high school, and post high-school education constantly being evaluated by one test or another. Because tests favor the proficient and are based on comparisons, most students are reminded over and over again that they are not good enough.

In the critical years of youth and young adulthood, most feel they are lacking. They are not good looking enough, don’t wear the right clothes, don’t come from the right homes, don’t have a nice car or any car at all, don’t have positions of leadership, don’t run with the popular crowd, are not athletic and do not achieve academically. Horrors if any have a weight problem, learning disability or are cursed with acne.

To feel valued and significant, many look for ways they can be recognized by others. They want to feel successful at something, to be number one at anything and to receive visible rewards to validate their worth. Some listen to motivational speeches that inspire them to work harder, to achieve more, to always be the best and to distinguish themselves above all others. To reach the top, they think they have to be talented, beautiful, rich, powerful and famous. Some are willing to sacrifice marriage, children, friends and their integrity in order to achieve worldly goals.

But stop! Wait! Think! The trouble with this pursuit of excellence is that too often people are striving to selfishly satisfy their egos. They are obsessed with seeking the approval of others, forgetting that others are not their final judges. These obsessions undermine their relationship with God--who, they may think, obviously is busy somewhere else, maybe in another galaxy. They ask, “How can He care about me?”

To overcome feeling insignificant, people need to better understand their relationship with their Heavenly Father. We are children of a loving God and we are important to Him. God has the unlimited capacity to care, know, understand and love all of His children, regardless of how many children He has. We are happiest and know our worth best when we are doing what He would have us do. He has given us commandments that clearly mark the way to happiness in this life and the next. Those who are obedient are favored.

Our ultimate choices in life are not between being rich or poor or between being high or low achievements or between fame or obscurity. Our important choices are simply between right and wrong.

Every soul is valued and important. All are capable of being exalted regardless of any learning disabilities or mortal defects or handicaps. All, especially those who feel inferior and suffer with low esteem, are invited to come unto Jesus and be perfected in Him. No one is more likely to succeed spiritually if they are wealthy, lovely, educated or have prominent positions in this life than if they are poor, plain, uneducated and unsung.

Earl Nightingale, a famous motivational speaker in the 1950s, gave the definition of success as “the progressive realization of a worthy ideal.” When Christ gave the command to be perfect (Matthew 5:48), He invited us all to get on the path of righteousness that eventually leads His followers to become like Him. Is there any more worthy ideal?

So, do people have to be super smart, be high achievers, be highly visible or be wildly successful at something to get God’s attention? No, the blessings of heaven are for all those who are meek and lowly in heart. In paradise, there is no spirit of competition or thinking of one person as better than another. Every soul is precious. All are significant and highly esteemed by the Lord.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com  

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David and Marva Coombs
dmcoombs@gmail.com

1296 West Red Butte

Washington City, UT 84780

435 272-4292
435 705-3579

Learning to be professional problem solvers

David and Marva Coombs

At times, life seems to be like a soap opera as people are thrust into solving one problem after another. Yet life would be dull without problems to challenge us. In fact, many learn to welcome problems and even to enjoy facing them, solving them, overcoming them and finding solutions to them. As people mature, they find they get better at solving problems, and continue to do so by using the following skills.

First, they choose to have a positive attitude. They have confidence they can do what needs to be done. They hate putting things off. They like confronting life as it comes and doing what needs to be done when it needs doing. Many successful professionals make “to do” lists every morning. Those items that are finished first are often the most uncomfortable, least enjoyable duties. It feels good to get them done and out of the way.

Second, they understand that they don’t have to solve all problems alone. It is wise to talk things over with others to clarify thinking and get valuable feedback. It is good to have spouses, friends, co-workers who are good listeners--who may not necessarily give advice, but do provide safety to explore feelings and ideas. Sometimes that’s all people need to find the right course of action. 

Another technique that people use that clarifies their thinking is to journalize their feelings. Seeing thoughts in black and white allows them to stand back and be objective and gives opportunity to see more options. Listing the pros and cons helps them to make good choices. 

Third, they know the value of saying “no” when too many demands are placed upon them, and they simply can’t do it all. They know that they could easily get overloaded if they said “yes” to everything. 

A dear friend telephoned Michelle to ask a favor at a time when Michelle was already feeling the pressures of a full schedule. While Michelle liked to help and to please others, she wisely said, “Thank you for thinking of me. I would love to do it, but at the present time I cannot. I hope you will ask me again because you know I would love to help if I could.” 

Of course, emergencies occasionally require people to set aside everything else and focus on immediate, extraordinary needs.  Then they simply put everything else on hold with confidence they can deal with it later.

Fourth, they know the three “D’s” of problem solving: dump, delegate and do. When over-whelmed, they dump things off their “to do” list, things that would be nice to have done but can wait. If something has to be done but not necessarily by them, they delegate it by referring it to others or possibly hiring it out. That which is left over is that which they have to do. They don’t procrastinate, they just get the jobs done.

Fifth, they know their limitations. If they have a medical problem, they see a doctor; a legal issue, they see an attorney; a plumbing problem, they call a plumber; a psychological or marital problem, they see a professional counselor. They know when they are not qualified to solve a problem, so they call in the experts.

Sixth, they realize that they are not always successful in solving every problem. They have learned to deal with disappointment. They are flexible and can handle defeat when things don’t go their way.  After all, they have learned that they often learn more from their failures than from their successes. The mistake is not in falling but in not getting up and trying again.

Seventh, they realize their dependence upon the Lord. He says, “I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit; for without me ye can do nothing” (John 15:5). They readily call upon God who freely gives to those who are doing their best even when their best seems insufficient. With the grace of God, they can accomplish much.

Finally, they know the power of self-talk. They could say “I can’t handle this. It is too much.” But instead they wisely say, “I can handle this and I will because, with the Lord by my side, I am indeed a professional problem solver.”

Dr. Coombs is in private practice as a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-705-3579 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageand,family.blogspot.com. 

Our obsession with beautiful bodies

Today’s society is obsessed with beautiful bodies.  Some people are out of balance as they seek to have bodies that only 5% of our population possess.  Many of the other 95% are frustrated in their efforts to achieve the impossible.  All of us have bodies that are shaped and sized following the genetic patterns established by our progenitors.  Eating wisely and exercising properly will help people maximize their potential, and they will be happier when they accept and are grateful for the bodies they have been given.

The media bombards us with pictures of men and women who have bodies that have been digitally enhanced.  What we see most often are not real people, yet we are given messages that our bodies are unacceptable, unless of course, we buy and use wonderful, new, even magical, products.  The effects of the products are at best temporary and the end result is still the same:  few people like the bodies they have.  

Almost all of us wish our bodies were different in one way or another.  Even super models struggle with self-esteem and live in fear that they will lose their beauty.  Some people think that they will only be accepted if they maintain the perfect outward appearance and fear that they will never be loved for what they are on the inside.  Unfortunately, people continue to be taken in by the media; they continue to believe their core value is determined by the shape and size of their bodies. 

Adults and youths are being seduced into thinking that their happiness lies in having a perfect shape.  Cosmetic surgeons busily and profitably sculpt bodies into something more acceptable.  Women in increasing numbers suffer the terrible effects of bulimia and anorexia because they are caught in their fixations for perfectly thin bodies.  

Some invest fortunes, time, and energy, in worrying about appearances that in the eternal scheme are of little consequence.  On the other hand, others declare their independence from foolish pride and vanity and refuse to be controlled by the tyranny of media images.  

Death ultimately comes to all people with the promise of perfectly resurrected bodies.  Will our resurrected bodies be short or tall, thin or wide?  Will anyone even care?  Will it make a difference in how we experience eternal life?

What if we spent our energy developing our inner beauty?  Are we over-emphasizing the things that matter least and losing sight of the things that matter most?

Actually, people of all sizes and shapes have found they can be happy, can love and be loved, can marry successfully, can have children, and can enjoy happy and fulfilling lives just as they are.

How refreshing to see husbands and wives assure each other of their love and devotion even though their bodies have gone through the interesting changes caused by aging.  Three cheers for  people who have learned to look beyond outward appearances to the basic goodness and rich qualities found in those who make and honor commitments, are positive, enjoy life, and create genuine companionships.

Beauty still is only skin deep.  People must not be blinded by society’s definition of beauty but look instead for well-developed minds and shapely character.  The most important attributes to develop are to love God and one another, live Christlike lives, and enjoy the blessings of happiness in this life with the assurance of receiving eternal joy in the next.  

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual therapist with a private practice in Washington City.  He and his wife, Marva write articles together and offer presentations on strengthening marriage and family.  Call them at 435-272-4292 or email them at dmcoombs@gmail.com.

Having faith when God doesn’t make sense

At times, our faith is tried and tested to see if we will still believe in a loving God even when, to us, He doesn’t make sense. Isaiah reminds us that God thinks differently than we do: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

We have been witnesses to senseless tragedies: mentally disturbed gunmen shooting innocent people in movie theaters, churches and schools; airliners piloted by terrorists crash into public buildings; children abused and murdered; loved ones suffered painful illnesses for long periods of time.

Some ask the big question: “How can a loving God allow such things to happen?” This question supposes that, if Heavenly Father were truly loving, He would not allow any of us or our loved ones to be hurt, injured, or die. 

However, we know earth life is not meant to be free from all sorrows. We learn more from our difficulties and our challenges than from our excitements and pleasure. Disappointment can lead to determination; failure can lead to success; rejection can pave the path to greater adventures. Set backs can be stepping stones to growth. It is through overcoming challenges that people learn faith

The Book of Daniel, tells of three faithful followers of God who were threatened with death if they did not deny their faith. King Nebuchadnessar of Babylon gave Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego the choice to either bow down to a golden image or be cast into a fiery furnace. They said with confidence that they were sure God would deliver them but then, remarkably added, “But if not, be it known unto thee, O King, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image” (Daniel 3:18).

Faith-centered families today have the same confidence that God can bless them with answers to their prayers, “but if not,” their faith in God is not shattered. They know not all prayers are granted; there are times when the answer is “no” or “not yet.”

Bad things happen to good people, yet because of their faith, they are not angry with God; they realize He has the big picture in mind and knows what is best for them better than they know. They know God can heal, “but if not”--. They know God can protect them and their loved ones from harm, evil, and accident, “but if not”--. God can return their loved ones, who have spiritually strayed, back to the fold,” but if not”--. God can control election outcomes to their liking, “but if not”--. God can bless them with wealth, ”but if not”--. 

People can pray for the ideal spouse and beautiful children, “but if not”--. They can pray that loved ones will be delivered from their addictions, ”But if not”--. They can pray for rain and the end of the drought, ”But if not”--. Regardless of how prayers are answered, the faithful remain committed to keeping the commandments of God. They resonate with Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.”

The lyrics of a gospel song gives comfort: “When God says no to you,/  It’s such a blow to you,/ When all your hopes and dreams/ Unravel at the seams./ It’s hard to rest within His will,/ It’s hard to trust and just be still,/ It’s hard to simply wait until/ It’s all made plain./ He who holds us in his hands,/ Has no problems only plans./ He who has control of all,/ Sees the smallest sparrow fall./ He who acts where no one knows,/ Does not sleep as we suppose,/ But works in all things,/ In great or small things,/ For His own glory/ And our best good” (Haven of Rest Quartet Ministries. “Sail On”).

We could pray to live in Camelot and know that if God wanted it for us, He would grant it. “But if not,” we will remain firm, steadfast and immoveable in our devotion to the one and only true God who sometimes, in our limited view, doesn’t make sense.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family, and individual counselor.  Call 435-272-4292 or send an email to dmcoombs@gmail.com.