Boundaries necessary to prevent costly and painful affairs

David and Marva Coombs

Many people give in to the temptation to look past their spouses and notice others who appear more interesting, more attractive, more responsive to their needs, more willing to listen, more empathic, more understanding and even more in need of their love. Most of us think this would never happen to us because of our determination to keep our marital vows.  

However, the reality is that adultery happens too often and to those who believed it could not happen to them. And it is devastating to everyone involved. But there is an easy solution: people can establish boundaries that make it clear that they are not available for any inappropriate relationships. By doing so, they protect themselves from liaisons that may jeopardize their marriages. Here are some suggestions gleaned from my counseling practice that may help couples avoid being unfaithful to their spouses.

Dress modestly; avoid clothing and styles that are provocative and that say, “I’m available; I’m looking.” Dismiss inappropriate and lustful thoughts and avoid anything that feeds them. 

Limit the amount of time spent alone with anyone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse: i.e. don’t share rides to work or to church; don’t go on errands or to lunch, lectures or social activities with persons of the opposite sex. Don’t share intimate details regarding your personal lives. Don’t give or receive personal compliments, personal gifts or special favors that may be mis-interpreted.

Men cross lines when they tell their lovely, attractive co-workers, “My wife doesn’t understand me. She’s not as sensitive to my needs as you are. She doesn’t take care of herself as well as you do.” Not only is this an unfair comparison to wives who may be stay-at-home moms, but it is an invitation that can lead to chaos and heart break. 

Husbands also cross lines when they try to rescue female associates in trouble. Men can refer these women to helping agencies. They should never go to a woman’s home to help out or to fix a few things alone. 

These situations may be reversed and apply to women as well to men.

Some greet people with hugs and kisses. Such greetings can be appropriate; however, some are too intimate and generate uncomfortable feelings. All of us must use caution and block any such greetings that seem to go to far. 

All people like approval, validation and acceptance by others, but if this desire is too strong, it  can lead insecure people to want everyone to think they are especially attractive. Those going through mid-life crises may be particularly vulnerable because they wonder if they are still desirable. Some flirt and make comments with sexual innuendoes yet believe they are impervious to any consequences. This is a mistake; there are always consequences.

Pride interferes with sound thinking. Whenever people think they are exceptions to the rules, they have crossed lines; they are in danger. Rules are simply boundaries that keep us safe. That bears repeating: rules (some known as commandments) are simply boundaries that keep us safe.

Those with their boundaries firmly in place are spared the pain, embarrassment, remorse and possibly divorce caused by infidelity.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Phone 435-705-3579 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.

Forgiveness in Marriage

David and Marva Coombs

“A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers,” said Dr. Frank Finchman, co-author of a report entitled, “Forgiveness and Relationship Satisfaction” (2011 Journal of Family Psychology, 25, 551-559). “Forgiveness is a process, not an event.” He also said that failing to forgive carries a heavy burden that can actually shorten our lives. “So if you want to live a long and fulfilling life, you will want to find forgiveness as a way of life.”

All people have been victimized and have been offended. It is also true that all have been guilty of afflicting harm.  All have felt the pain of being betrayed, and all have betrayed others to varying degrees. We must not only give forgiveness but also must ask for forgiveness; to be forgiven we need to repent.

Possibly that is why the Lord, when giving us the example of how to pray, included the phrase, “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). As emphasis to this point, He adds: “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). We are forgiven to the level we are willing to forgive. We can’t say, “Lord curse those who offended me. But Lord, be gracious and forgiving of my offenses.” 

Possibly, we may not understand the principle of forgiveness. We may think that if we forgive, we must forget the incident and the pain. In serious circumstances, this may not be possible. God promises to forget those sins we have confessed and forsaken. He has said He will “blot out, as a thick cloud, our transgressions” (Isaiah 44:22). However, it may take a long time, coupled with many positive experiences in order to forget. Certainly, with small trespasses, we can quickly forgive and even forget.

Some think that to forgive means we condone the wrong, that we pretend the wrong is not that bad. People fear it is our responsibility to reconcile, to immediately trust and to allow closeness. Not true. 

Dr. Finchman explains that forgiveness “is more like giving up the perceived right to get even. It’s like giving up the attitude, ‘You owe me.’ Forgiveness is a response to being wronged that entails a change in which justified anger and resentment are freely given up.” When forgiving we no longer want harm to come to the offender. We’ve given up any need to punish.

For marriages to endure, transgressors must sincerely apologize and ask for forgiveness. This validates their partners’ pain. When forgiveness is granted, the transgressors receive an undeserved gift from their spouses. This is similar to our approaching the throne of God, unworthy and undeserving, and asking for God’s gift of forgiveness. As we forgive we are developing a God-like quality.

When the gift is granted, all is not immediately well. In serious offenses the transgressors promote healing by their actions showing that they have fully and honestly confessed, sincerely repented and have made the necessary changes.  

It is most unfair, for example, for a husband to say, “Ok, I know I have been addicted to drugs since I was a teenager, but I have mostly stopped. With the exception of a few recent incidents, I have been good. Now it is up to you, my dear wife, to forgive me and get over it. God has forgiven me so why haven’t you? You are the one who is creating the rift in our marriage.” He hasn’t yet won her trust by completely quitting or by getting help to quit. He has minimized his behavior and counter attacked. She may have empathy for him, not wish him any harm, but also not want to be with him. 

If we have seriously offended our loved ones, we need to be patient with them and not think that we can correct long-standing issues with a quick fix. Large doses of humility help others forgive us. Human emotions cannot be switched on and off. Pain may linger longer than any would like which requires the repentant to be patient and humble as part of the penance. There cannot be quick flights into health with expectations that all is well immediately.

No marriage can last long or be happy unless spouses become good at apologizing and at forgiving each other and “find forgiveness as a way of life.”

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-272-4292 or email to drmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.

What is the difference between guilt and shame?

David and Marva Coombs

Guilt is the feeling people have when they have done something wrong and feel bad about it. Shame goes deeper: people feel they are bad. They feel rotten to the core and think they have little or no redeeming value. Guilt is relieved by repenting, forsaking past sins, asking for forgiveness and seeking actively to live a better life. Shame is an overwhelming, dark feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness that afflicts some people, and they refuse to let it go. They believe they will never be worthy to receive forgiveness from God, from others and certainly not from themselves.

Guilt plays a healthy role in helping people repent and change. Such feelings keep them on righteous tracks, let them know when they have crossed lines and motivate them to make course corrections. But shame is another matter. It creates a barrier that family and friends can’t cross. Shame’s victims seem impervious to comfort or advice.

I counseled with a young, single woman who had aborted her baby although her family and friends tried to convince her not to do so. But she could not see a way out of her predicament except to abort her baby. Immediately after the operation, she felt she had committed an unforgivable sin and fell into a deep depression. She made several attempts at suicide and was admitted to a treatment center. 

She allowed me to meet with her in private sessions but refused to attend group therapy. She remained distant and uncooperative but, paradoxically, wanted to continue our sessions. Apparently, she sensed me as someone who hadn’t judged her; perhaps I was her link to the outside world. Six months passed and I began to wonder if she would ever come out of her dark, self-imposed prison. 

Her shame could not be alleviated by medication, counseling or encouragement from family and friends. She came from a deeply religious home. Regardless of efforts to explain the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ and how she could be forgiven, nothing worked. She had built an impregnable wall around herself, preventing anything or anyone from getting in. In her shame, she was convinced she was worthless and unredeemable.

But then a ray of hope began to shine upon our sessions. She gave herself permission to smile and began to take care of herself. She bathed more often and cut her long hair which she had used to cover much of her face. She enjoyed her food. She opened up in her sessions and began attending group therapy. It was like watching a person being reborn. It wasn’t long till she was able and willing to leave the facility and live a normal life.

I asked her what the turning point was in her therapy that began her healing. She told me she felt she had simply suffered long enough to pay for her sin. She was ready to let go of the need of further punishment. It was as if she believed she had to atone for her own sin before she could accept love from others and particularly love from her Heavenly Father. 

Those who suffer from shame often have to hit bottom before they can begin to move up. They have so developed the inner language of self-destruction that learning the language of self-support comes slowly. Because of their negative self-talk, they have trouble accepting the truth about their self-worth. 

As they come to believe that all their sins are forgivable, they realize that God still loves them and always has. They realize there is no exception to the word “all” and no matter what they have done, they finally believe in the atonement of Jesus Christ and that it applies to them. 

Through the process of repentance, the Lord’s love heals all of us from our past sins. Our God is big enough to deal with all our guilt and with all our shame.

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage, family and individual counselor. Call 435-705-3579 or email to dmcoombs@gmail.com or visit drcoombsmarriageandfamily.blogspot.com.