Christ is the Balm that Heals our Wounded Souls

                                                     Dr. David H. Coombs, Ed.D., MFT

     When Latter-day Saint Christians have been humbled by life’s experiences and “have been brought down low into the dust”(I Nephi 18:18), we reach out to our Redeemer to find comfort and strength. We search the scriptures for the “pleasing word of God” that we have come to know “healeth the wounded soul”(Jacob 2:8). Verses we may have read many times before stand out on the page and take on new meaning. We become converted anew to the amazing love and grace of our God. We see more clearly our foolish pride and ask again as we have many times before, that “the atoning blood of Christ be applied to us that we may receive forgiveness of our sins”(Mosiah 4:2).

What continues to amaze us is that God’s forgiveness comes “freely” as often as we sincerely repent (Mosiah 26:22)—which may include confessing to the proper priesthood authorities. God is so gracious and so merciful that we mortals have difficulty understanding His tenderness, His patience, and His long suffering towards us (See Lectures on Faith, 39). When we beg and appeal to our Father, in the blessed name of Jesus, for our “guilt to be swept away” (Enos 1:6), He does “not suffer that we beg in vain” (Mosiah 4:20). He grants  us remission of our sins and fills our hearts with joy. The wretched pain of guilt is replaced with the “sweet peace of conscience” (Mosiah 4:3).

We might ask, how do we qualify for this marvelous miracle of forgiveness? How do we apply the atoning blood of Christ to ourselves personally? The answer is found, not in going through the motions of church activity, but in accepting Jesus as our personal Savior and giving permission for His spirit to “have full sway in our hearts” (Alma 42:30). We give up “all our sins to know him” (Alma 22:18), particularly  those which so “easily beset us” (II Nephi 4:18). We pray not passively nor by rote but, “with all energy of heart” (Moroni 7:48). We become more patient and loving with our families. We are more easily entreated. We are more generous and free with our resources. We are less likely to hold on to hurt feelings as we more freely forgive others. We “feast upon the words of Christ” (II Nephi 32:3); and hunger for more. To “retain a remission of our sins” (Mosiah 4:26), we realize we cannot be good people or do good things without Christ.

We realize that the Lord is not as concerned with what we have done in the past as He is with what we are doing with our lives today. Because we are Latter-day Christians, we “no longer droop in sin” (II Nephi 4:28), but we rejoice as we “sing the song of redeeming love” (Alma 5:26). Jesus has redeemed us and His atonement is the balm that heals our wounded souls.

(Dr. Coombs is a professional therapist in Washington, Utah. He can be reached at (435) 705-3579 or email DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web DrDavidCoombs.com.)

                                                             How To Date Successfully

                                                        Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D, MFC

     The purpose of successful dating among singles is to develop one’s own relationship skills and in the process to find the right person with the qualities and interests that match their own. If they choose wisely in the courtship they increase the probability of a satisfying and rewarding marriage.          With the current divorce rate at about 50%, people need to do a better job of finding the right person for them. Too many people don’t know how to date successfully. They fall into the trap of being attracted to outward appearances; i.e. someone who is handsome or beautiful that attracts them physically. They begin to date , and their entire courtship consists of dinners, movies, and making out. In a few months they marry. With such shallow courtships, they did not get to know each other well and wonder why their marriages quickly become difficult and unmanageable, often to the point that they see divorce as the only option.

     It takes time for couples to discover if they are a good match. Many mental health professionals suggest that couples date a variety of people over a period of several years. The key to doing this is limiting hugs and kisses and no sexual contact. Once sexual feelings are aroused, people no longer think straight. Before passions skew daters thinking patterns, they must get to know each other intellectually, politically, culturally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Successful dating requires creativity to vary the activities to allow couples to become best friends.

     Dating ideas may include working on projects together that require problem solving skills, a little give and take, maybe sweat and tears. Do meaningful service projects. Read and discuss good books, articles, and newspapers that stimulate thinking and discussion. Serve on committees that allow you to see how well they accept responsibility for assignments and how well they follow through and show dependability. Enjoy group activities that allow you to see each others social skills.

Talk about those things that interest you as well as what is of interest to your dates. If one is more interested in sports and the other in musicals, be willing to take turns enjoying each other’s preference. 

     Notice how they treat clerks, waiters, janitors, drivers on the road, the elderly and small children. Are they patient or quick to criticize, find fault, and blame others? How do they deal with frustration, irritation and disappointments? Are they moody and often depressed or are they cheerful and optimistic? Are they disagreeable or are they willing to negotiate, compromise, and work out differences?  Do they act helpless and need rescuing? Are they domineering, demanding, controlling and manipulative?

     What is their attitude toward education and seeking careers that are emotionally and financially rewarding? Do they like to read and to learn new things? Are you spiritually compatible; do you both feel the same about  church and the level of church activity? Would you be interested in reading scriptures and other inspirational books together?

     Get to know the parents of your preferred dates. When people marry, they not only marry their sweethearts but their whole family. How will their cultural background effect your relationship? What you see in your date’s parents, good or bad, may play a role in your potential marriage.

     Dating helps you discover how honest and trustworthy they are. Do they have bad habits or addictions that need to be resolved? Notice red flags from those with addictions, such as pornography: if they say, “Yes, I’ve had a problem off and on in the past, and while I know pornography is bad, it is not that bad.” Realize, with that attitude, they have no motivation to change because, to them, the habit is not that bad. The same is true with any addictions. Would you prefer to marry on the promise the addictions will be resolved quickly or to wait and to see if the problems have really been put to rest?

     Everyone can put their best foot forward for three months, so give the relationship plenty of time to see if those you are dating are real and genuine people. You don’t want any unpleasant surprises later. 

     While it is said that opposites attract, it is also known that opposites make for more difficult marriages because there are more things to be negotiated. It is better and easier to succeed if you find those who have more in common with you.

     Unfortunately, most people select their mates from one or two options instead of getting to know a number of potential partners. You can successfully date a lot of people providing you are not physically involved. The more people you date, the more you will know what kind of personality you most enjoy.

     A common disaster happens to those good-hearted people who give and give with the hopes of having love returned in equal measure. Too often they get caught in relationships with someone who takes and takes and rarely gives back.

     Doubtless, what you get in the courtship is what you get in the marriage. It is also likely that the faults seen, but overlooked in dating, will be exaggerated in the marriage and the strengths may diminish. Therefore, “keep your eyes wide open in the courtship, and once married, you keep your eyes half closed.”

I highly recommend a book to aid those who wish to date successfully: How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, by Dr. John Van Epp, Ph.D.

Dr. Coombs is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Washington, Utah. He can be reached by calling 435-705-3579 or his email is DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on the web at DrDavidCoombs.com.

                                                      I’ve Decided Not To Be Offended!

                                                     by Dr. David Coombs, Ed.D., MFC

     For years I’ve been offended by my wife’s correcting my driving. I’m either going too slow or too fast, not turning at the right place, or not parking in the best places. She tells me where to go and how to get there or warns me of a car or a pedestrian that I supposedly hadn’t seen. I tell her over and over to stop doing that. I’m not a kid. I know how to drive, and I don’t need to be reminded what to do all the time. When I scold her, for some reason, she feels hurt and there’s tension in the air. When will she ever learn?

     Finally, I put my foot down that she is not to tell me how to drive. So, not long ago, we were driving in silence, and she was being good at not correcting me. I got lost and didn’t know where we were. She broke the silence by telling me that I should have exited the freeway several exits ago but since she was sworn to silence, she didn't say anything. There were other frightening incidents, like when I nearly collided with a truck and she yelled out and saved our lives.

     Well, I learned my lesson. I realized that there are times that I do need her advice, and there are times I don’t. But, since she doesn’t know when I do or don’t, I need not be offended. If I get upset, then it is my problem. I am the one who decides if I am going to be irritated. That is my choice. I have come to the conclusion that the prices I am paying for my problem are too high.

     Therefore, I’ve decided not to be offended at anything she has to say whether it’s in the car or in the house or at anytime or any place. Wow! That  has made a big difference in our relationship. The tension has been greatly reduced, and we are enjoying more peace than ever before.

     She tells me how grateful she is for my allowing her the freedom to say what she feels without fear that I will disapprove. She tells me that my criticism affected her self-esteem because she disliked disappointing me. That was a wake-up call for me. I felt terrible that I was failing in my role of being the guardian of her self worth.

     She is a lovely woman who has devoted herself to pleasing me and doing all she can to make me feel loved, yet there I was spewing forth negative comments that made her feel unloved and unappreciated. Why did it take me so long to learn not to be easily offended?

Dr. Coombs is a professional marriage and family therapist and has a private practice in Washington, Utah. You can contact him at 435-705-3579 or email him at DrDavidCoombs@gmail.com or on his webpage www.DrDavidCoombs.com.